A Healing Heart
by SuddenlySandi
Summary: Bella and Edward are neighbors who become friends over a painful bond they share. As her heart heals she is able to find the happiness she has always longed for and helps Edward learn to forgive. AH Story by SDFreeze
1. Chapter 1

Name: A Healing Heart

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 1

**Twilight Characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

**The story had 60 reviews when it was last published on 6/20/10**

**There is some mild abuse in this story, if that is a trigger for you, you might want to exit now.**

**If you are being abused, please seek help, it is out there for you...life CAN be good.**

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Chapter 1

I looked at my father's closed eyes and spoke clearly. I told him I loved him and kissed his forehead before running my fingers through his hair. I could say it now, because I didn't have to wonder if he would say it back, or if I was making him uncomfortable by being emotional.

He had passed away less than an hour ago and I was full of mixed feelings. I wouldn't have to long for his declarations of love any longer, but I would also have to give up all hope of ever hearing them. I looked around his room, where not a single picture of his only daughter existed and walked away.

My husband was waiting for me outside the house. He was talking to the neighbors and laughing loudly. I hoped he would be waiting to pull me into his arms and tell me it didn't matter that I never felt my father's love, that my husband loved me and it would be enough.

I headed to our truck and got inside to wait for his entertainment to end. I leaned my head back and shut my eyes. I felt like the past year I had been walking around in cement. My life was pulling me to a standstill, no matter how hard I tried to keep moving forward.

Mike finally came back to the vehicle and climbed in, "You done?" he asked without sympathy.

"Yes, I'm done," I said softly and he started the engine.

"Are we going to the funeral?" he asked after we drove several miles in silence.

"It's on Tuesday," I said knowing he wouldn't take a day off from work.

Our silence continued until we got home. I stared at the house anyone would be happy to live in, but it held nothing but sorrow for me. It felt like a pretty prison and I had to force myself to go inside. Mike tossed his hat on the table, which I had asked him over and over again not to do. I picked it up and hung it on the hat rack next to the door.

I went upstairs and held my breath as I walked past the closed, locked door, which used to be my son's room. I couldn't go in there, yet, even though it had been over a year since he passed. I could picture the room perfectly in my mind and would only look inside once that memory faded. His crib would never hold another baby and my own light died with my child.

I ran a bath and climbed in the tub before finally letting my tears fall. I cried for a long time before ducking my head under the water and washing the tears off my face. I heard a noise outside the window and moved the curtain just enough to see the neighbor working on his yard.

He was a single man with meticulous tastes. I assumed he was gay until I was up late one night and saw him giving a very voluptuous woman a kiss before she drove away. I had to admit his obsession for having the perfect yard rubbed off on Mike and he put in more effort with our own property.

Mike had built a gazebo in our garden and it became my favorite place to be. I would sit in there for hours reading. I didn't feel guilty when I read without the constant rolling of his eyes or asking if I had anything better to do.

I washed my hair and let the water, filled with my tears, swirl down the drain. When I walked into my bedroom Mike swatted my ass as I walked passed him to our closet. "Nice ass, feel like messing around?" he asked.

I looked at him with shock, "My father just died."

"So, you weren't close to him, he never gave you a second thought," he said with a shrug.

"Thank you for being so observant, hell, I wouldn't have known if you didn't explain it to me." I dropped my towel and placed my hands on my waist. "Let's have sex so the fact my father never loved me will all go away.

"Forget it, you're in a mood," he mumbled and left the room.

I entered the closet and listened to Mike cuss loudly when he stubbed his toe on something. I dressed and made my way to the kitchen where he was making a sandwich.

"Are you making dinner?" he asked.

"Yes, put the sandwich away," I said and opened the freezer.

"This is a pre-dinner sandwich," he smiled and took a huge bite before heading to the television.

I had been begging him to lose weight, but he never gave it more than a passing thought. I tried to keep my body in shape for him, but he didn't feel the need to try for me. He felt the nice home in an exclusive neighborhood should make up for his lack of personal attention.

I made a teriyaki chicken salad and watched him groan when he came to the table. "This isn't dinner, this is appetizers," he complained.

"You had a sandwich already," I pointed out but he got up and grabbed a beer from the fridge and a bag of chips.

I ate silently and cleaned up the dishes. I headed to my room when Mike called out for me, "Bella, come sit in here and I'll rub your back."

I walked into the family room and sat next to him. He ran his hand up and down my back a couple of times and became lost in a baseball game. I stood to leave and he looked up, "I thought you were going to stay in here?"

"I'm getting my book," I said and continued out of the room.

I sat next to him and read until commercials came on, then he would grab my book or tickle me until I gave him my full attention. As soon as the game came back on, he would turn back to the television. We spent the entire evening this way.

I couldn't sleep and Mike's loud snoring was driving me insane so I got out of bed and took my book outside to the gazebo. I held a small flashlight as I read and hoped the battery wasn't low. I was in deep concentration when a noise startled me.

I looked up to see our neighbor standing on the top step of the gazebo looking at me.

"You scared me," I said as I held my chest.

"Sorry, I saw you out here reading and I wanted to offer you something," he smiled handing me a book light.

I didn't care I was in a nightgown and my hair was a mess. I took the light and attached it to my book.

"Thank you, are you usually up at this hour?" I asked and looked up at him.

He shrugged and leaned against the gazebo. I smiled knowing he most likely sent a lady friend home. I saw his eyes move to my book and I held it up to show him the title.

"Lady Chatterly's Lover, not very original," he chuckled and I sneered at him.

"It's for a book group," I confessed. I didn't add the fact it was an online group. I had lost touch with most of my friend since Mike demanded all of my attention. We did things with his friends but mine had dropped by the wayside.

"I see, women who desire their own working class man, to make up for their lifestyle indulgences?"

"You're clueless," I said and went back to my book. He remained and that concerned me, so I looked back up to see him looking at me with an odd expression. I kept his gaze and he finally spoke.

"Why do you read so much?"

"Why don't you let the women sleep over?" I threw back at him.

He moved into the gazebo without being invited and sat across from me. I could tell I hit on a sore subject and he looked a bit uncomfortable. I couldn't see him clearly in the dark and it gave me courage to speak the truth. I didn't have the emotional energy to play games with him, so I spoke honestly. I didn't worry about the possibility of offending him, since I never invited him over in the first place.

"It is none of my business, but speaking for women, it is a bit rude," I said bluntly.

"I guess I could bury my emotions in the pages of a book, but I choose to participate in the real world. I am very picky with my sleep and need to be alone in my bed," he said and I could see the moon shine off of his teeth as he smiled. I didn't buy his excuse one bit.

"Literary appreciation is now a flaw?" I asked outright.

He was quiet for a moment and I began to feel very uncomfortable. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. His voice was very soft and he said, "I never told you how sorry I am for your loss. It is very late, but I wanted to say it."

I stared at his dark face and felt my heart wrenching in my chest. I had no idea why he would offer me sympathy; I didn't even know his name. I think I nodded at him, but I wasn't sure he could tell in the darkness.

"My father died today," I said softly and felt so stupid for telling him.

"I'm sorry," he said and I shook my head.

"We weren't close, he didn't like me," I confessed and then quickly pulled it back. "I mean we were nothing alike, so we weren't close."

"Maybe it was a generational thing, coming from a different time so he didn't feel comfortable showing emotion?"

"Yeah, well, it doesn't help," I said hatefully.

"I'm sorry," he said again and I wiped my tears away briskly.

"I'm Bella Newton," I finally said to introduce myself. I didn't extend my hand or expect any reciprocation. I just felt since we were sitting together in the dark I should give him my name.

"Yeah, I know, I get your mail sometimes," he chuckled. "I'm Edward Cullen."

"I sit out here often, you don't have to keep me company," I said hoping he would leave. I wasn't worried about Mike seeing us, he wouldn't care who I spoke to in the middle of the night as long as it didn't interrupt his sleep.

"Why did he die?" he asked with a very soft voice and I wanted to scream at him to leave me alone. He leaned closer and said, "I'm sorry if it is still painful." It was then I realized he was talking about my baby, not my father, and I expected to be angry, but it felt…nice, to be asked about Luke.

"He had a very rare illness, his own antibodies turned on him, nothing could be done," I said and watched his head nod up and down like he understood. I was sure he would leave now, not wanting to deal with the emotions of a woman, but he continued on.

"Were you with him at the end?"

"Yes, I held him in my arms as he struggled to breathe. I would have willingly given my own life to spare his; I wanted to breathe for him. It wasn't right, mothers are supposed to be able to fix things but I helplessly watched him die."

"I bet he knew you were there, as he straddled both worlds. It must have been comforting for him," he said and the sincerity in his voice sent warmth through my entire body. Why couldn't Mike talk to me like this instead of ignoring my pain and wishing I would just get over it.

I knew he loved our son, but he was able to concentrate on the fact Luke would have suffered longer and death gave him peace. I wasn't able to do that and I wanted to talk about my beautiful baby and his horrible death.

"Thank you, Edward. That was a really kind thing to say and it really meant a lot."

He finally stood and smiled in the moonlight, "I'll let you get back to your reading, goodnight, or maybe good morning would be more appropriate."

"Thanks again, for the light," I said and watched him walk into the darkness of the large yard.

He was nothing like I had expected, and although I still didn't really know anything about him, I considered him a friend. I read for over an hour and headed back into the house. I crawled up onto the couch and fell asleep.

I heard Mike getting ready for work and got up to make him an egg white omelet. He came downstairs and grabbed a handful of cookies and headed out the door. I dumped the eggs in the trash and headed upstairs to get in bed.

The curtains were drawn and the room was dark, so I fell quickly back to sleep. The sound of a loud mower woke me and I looked at the clock to see it was almost noon. I groaned and headed for a shower. I removed my clothing and peeked through the blinds to see Edward mowing his lawn without a shirt.

I watched as he made a few passes. His muscles flexed and a sweaty sheen built up on his body and I felt my own flesh tingle with desire. It had been weeks since Mike and I made love and I felt maybe I was finally coming back to life.

I showered and dressed for the day. As I headed down the hallway I stopped at the locked door. I stared at the unobtrusive knob and wondered if I had the strength to enter the room. I leaned my forehead against the door and hummed, Baby Mine, softly. I pondered if my father would see my son and if he would tell him the words he never said to me.

I put my palms against the door to push away, and felt the familiar sense of self loathing rising up inside of me. My parents, who are supposed to love you unconditionally, treated me like a disappointment. My son, who was supposed to fill my empty soul with purpose, left me. My husband, who vowed to love me forever, didn't have a clue who I was inside. The common denominator was me, something was obviously wrong with me.

I made my way through the house emptying the trash and carried the bag to the garbage can on the side of the house. Edward walked from his garage and looked over to smile at me. I couldn't help but smile back.

"I want to show you something," he said with a nod of his head toward his backyard. I stepped over the berm dividing our yards and followed him. He walked up to a dogwood bush and pulled the flowered end into his hand.

"See how the petals have to be pulled to fall? Your husband is over watering your dogwood and with the cool nights it is not necessary."

"Oh, okay, I'll talk to him about it," I assured him.

"I want to give you something," he said and walked onto his patio and reached for a hanging basket of Sweet Peas. He set the basket at my feet and spoke without looking at me.

"These are the birth flowers for April, um…they also mean goodbye. I want you to have them," he offered and finally looked at my speechless face.

How did he know these things? And why did he make me feel like Luke was still a part of my life when nobody else did? I felt my tears fall as I looked at the basket of flowing flowers and then back at Edward's eyes.

I saw something familiar in his stare, the same pain I saw whenever I looked in a mirror. He knew, because we shared the same pain. He knew the inner ache that screamed to be acknowledged when everyone told you to forget about it and move on. He understood the desire to die and the hurt of knowing you would wake again the next morning.

"A daughter or a son?" I asked him.

"Both, my ex-wife drove drunk. I was on my way to pick them up and came across the crash. My daughter was still in her car seat. She looked up at me and I watched the life slowly leave her eyes."

"She waited for you," I said softly as my tears fell.

He gave me a big smile and nodded, "She was a daddy's girl."

"If you ever want to show me pictures, I would love to see them," I told him and felt like he understood the things I never dared to speak because of the pain it caused.

"Thanks, I'll be out of town for a couple of days, but someday I would enjoy telling you about them."

I picked up the flowers and headed back to my yard. I hung them on my patio and wondered how they got their meaning. Who was the mother whose heart broke first, and then decided Sweet Peas would tell her goodbye?

The phone rang and I answered to hear Mike's excited voice, "Do you feel like going out tonight? I got tickets to a Mariners game."

I looked at the flowers and wanted to tell Mike about them, but knew he would not find them comforting like I did. I took a deep breath and said, "Sure, let's go out tonight."


	2. Chapter 2

Name: A Healing Heart

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 2

**Twilight Characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

**The story had 60 reviews when it was last published on 6/20/10**

**There is some mild abuse in this story, if that is a trigger for you, you might want to exit now.**

**If you are being abused, please seek help, it is out there for you...life CAN be good.**

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Chapter: 2

I followed Mike to our seats and saw his friend Eric with his wife Angela. I gave them both a courtesy hug and Angela whispered in my ear, "I'm sorry to hear about your father."

"Thanks," I said without taking the conversation any further.

I tried to focus on the field, but my mind wandered back to my wedding. My father showed up late since he tried to fly in the day of the ceremony and got diverted due to a storm. He never told me I looked beautiful, he only patted Mike on the back and said, "Welcome to the slow death."

I felt the invisible darkness weighing on me, so I took a deep breath and tried to put on a smile. I took hold of Mike's hand and tried to listen to the story he was telling. He was animated and pulled his hand from mine to motion as he spoke. It wasn't meant to be malicious or telling, but it stung all the same.

I touched him with the need to feel connected to him, but it was as if I spoke a foreign language. I felt tears burn my eyes and I looked around the stadium in pretend interest. A small boy looked across the aisle at me and returned my smile. He had a red stain around his mouth from a snow cone and his hat was several sizes too large.

Children were why the stars come out at night and their laughter preceded music. I looked at the boys chubby hands with the sweet dimples on the knuckles and wished I could kiss his little pads. Angela called my name and I turned to look at her.

"Did you hear Nordstom's is coming to the new mall?"

"Really, Mike loves their dress shirts," I added to the conversation.

"I love their perfume," Angela said and I nodded in agreement. "Do you want to go on Tuesday?"

I hesitated for a second, not sure if I was going to my dad's funeral or not. Mike looked at me and I hoped he would make the decision for me, but he stared blankly. "I'll let you know," I told her and Mike looked back at the game.

"Oh, honey, our neighbor said you're overwatering the dogwood," I told Mike.

"That guy is such a freak," he said with jealousy and I smacked his arm.

"He is a really nice man," I insisted. "He lost a son and a daughter in a car accident."

Angela put her hand on her heart and shook her head softly. "That's awful," she said sadly.

Mike jumped up to yell for a batter and cut off my view of Angela. I turned back to the game and my mind wandered to Edward. I understood his refusal to let the women stay over and wondered if he realized why. His mind saw women as the reason his children were gone. He needed the physical company, but emotionally he would never connect again.

I found my escape in books, and wondered where he found his. His lawn took a lot of attention so maybe that was how he coped. I used stories to find words for my pain, maybe giving life to gardens help with his.

When the game was over we fought our way through traffic and got home in time for the late news. I removed my makeup and came to bed to find Mike eating a bowl of cereal. "You ate three hot dogs, you can't seriously be hungry," I said angrily.

"Well, I am," he said without looking at me.

"Mike," I called to him. "Do you find comfort in food, something I'm not giving you?"

"I'm hungry, Bella, stop being all analytical about it," he said angrily.

I walked over to the bed and pulled off my shirt. He glanced up at me and said with a mouth full of food, "Do you want me to rock your world?"

"I want you to make love to me," I said with a pleading voice.

"um kay, let me finish my bowl and I'll bend you over the footboard," he said totally serious.

"Mike, I need you to love me, my father died and I'm thinking of Luke," I said finally finding the nerve to ask for what I wanted.

"I'll take your mind off of it by giving you mind blowing sex," he said as he set his bowl on the bed table.

I stared at the pattern on the ceiling as he held my legs high in the air, standing at the edge of the bed. I didn't even give an effort. He was oblivious to my reactions and might as well been masturbating since it was a one man show.

I waited for him to begin snoring and headed out to the gazebo to read. I looked up at my beautiful home and had a quick fantasy of it burning to the ground. I wouldn't try to save it, I would watch it burn and spend the rest of my life imagining Luke's room.

"Hi," Edward said and I screamed in fright. "Sorry, I thought you heard me walking up."

"I thought you were out of town," I said as I tried to stop my heart from pounding.

"I leave in the morning," he explained and walked into the gazebo and sat across from me uninvited.

"Work or pleasure?" I asked and hoped he didn't think I was prying into his life.

"My sister is getting married in Chicago. I haven't been home in awhile."

I knew how difficult it would be for him to attend a family event without his kids. I also knew how everyone would think they were doing the best thing by ignoring the issue. Their names would not be spoken as if they were some forbidden swear words.

"I bet your daughter would have loved to see a wedding," I said and he smiled.

"Alice, my sister, would have spent more time on Jane's dress than her own. My daughter's name was Jane, my son was Alec."

"How old were they?"

"Five and seven," he said as his hands began to shake.

"How long ago was the accident?"

His tears finally spilled over and he said, "The day you brought your son home. I watched you taking pictures in front of the house and I planned to bring Jane over to see your child as soon as possible. She loved babies."

I felt horrible that a day so joyous for me was so horrendous for him.

"I had a hard pregnancy and was put to bed, I'm sorry I never saw your children," I apologized. When we moved in I was so focused on setting up the nursery I didn't pay attention to the neighbors.

He shook his head to dismiss me and looked at the book in my hand before laughing loudly. "Madame Bovary, am I detecting a theme?"

"Not at all," I said and was happy for the darkness to hide my blushing face. "I told you I belong to a book club. And how do you know so much about my choice of reading material?"

"I took literature in college," he said as if I had offended him. "Plus my mother and sister read constantly."

"Are you close to your family?" I asked and hoped his sense of loss was not as encompassing as mine.

"I used to be, this past couple of years has been difficult and nobody knows quite what to say."

I looked back at my house and let out a long sigh, "Yeah, I know what you mean."

He was staring at me when I looked back at him and I didn't have to explain the troubles Mike and I were having, he knew. Mike's quirks and habits would still be endearing and not insufferable if we had a child to fill our time and attention. I was slowly growing bitter at his ability to seem happily contented. He was growing irritated with my constant sulking and brooding. I honestly felt like I would never be happy in life again.

"Is there anything I can do while you're gone, water your lawn, collect your mail?" I asked him wanting to be helpful.

"Actually, it would be great if you could bring in the mail or any newspapers. I also have an aquarium with a feeder, but if we lose power would you be able to feed my fish for me?"

"Sure, I'd be happy to do it."

He stood and nodded for me to follow him. I followed in my slippers and noticed he was barefoot. I was dressed in sweats and a tank top so I didn't feel too exposed. I continued to remain behind him to entire way and when he opened the door light fell upon us both and I noticed how he hesitated for a moment.

Darkness makes everything easier, even budding friendships. He dropped his head as if I would find something offensive about his face. I looked at his meticulous house and my heart hurt for him. He obviously found cleaning a way to forget for just a few moments.

"You can set the mail here," he said pointing to a counter next to a built in desk. "Let me show you the aquarium."

I followed him down a hallway but lost focus when I saw a room covered in pink ruffles and shelf after shelf of Barbie's and baby dolls. I stepped into the room and it made me smile. It was perfect for some little girl to play and have sweet dreams. I saw the closet, still filled with little dresses and I could feel his daughter's presence in the room. I had no idea how he could stand it.

I turned to find him staring at me from the doorway. His expression was so familiar and so heart wrenching that when he held out his hand for mine I automatically took it. He led me to the next room which was identical but decorated in blue. The shelves held figures of various sport heroes and I walked over to the bed and picked up the basketball pillow and held it to my nose.

"You are so brave," I told him honestly. "I haven't been able to go inside the nursery yet."

"I come in here to talk to them. I still feel the need to tell them how much I love them."

His tears began to fall and I swallowed deeply. "They listen," I assured him and he nodded.

I followed him to the master suite and felt a little uncomfortable being in his bedroom, but he walked directly to a large freshwater aquarium.

"Wow," I laughed at the sight of the huge piece of equipment taking up most of a wall. "Do the pumps keep you awake?"

"No, I've gotten used to the noise. I just needed something alive to look at."

He began pointing at various components and I held up my hand to stop him. "You'll have to write this down, and I'll be praying the power doesn't go out."

He smiled and nodded, "I'll set it on the desk in the kitchen. Thank you for doing this, I didn't think to stop the mail."

"What are neighbors for," I said with my own smile. "I told Mike he was overwatering."

We both became uncomfortable, talking about my husband as we stood in his bedroom, so I turned and headed back to the door. He grabbed a keychain from his desk and handed it to me. "It opens this back door and the small key is for the mailbox."

"Okay, when will you be returning?"

"Either Wednesday night or Thursday morning."

"Well, have a great trip and tell your sister congratulations," I said and left. I went back to the gazebo and looked at his house. It felt weird knowing what rooms his windows went to and where he was by the light shining through. I looked at my house and wondered if I would have the nerve to go into Luke's room to talk with him.

I turned back to my book and continued reading into the early hours. I finally headed into the house and crawled into bed. I stared at Mike's face and tried to remember what it felt like when my heart was connected to his, I couldn't.

I was up early the following morning and I made him waffles, as a peace offering. Mike smiled and gave me a big hug, "Now you're talking."

He drowned them in syrup and whipped cream and ate huge bites, letting the butter drip down his chin. I sat with one square and ate it dry. He left and I sat and looked around at my huge kitchen. I hated it. It seemed like too much for only two people and I didn't find comfort in food like Mike did.

I picked up an extra waffle and dipped it in the extra syrup from Mike's plate. I ate it quickly and pick up a second one. This time I soaked it and covered every inch in whipped cream. I felt like I was stuffing it in my mouth in a grotesque manner and it was making me sick, but I didn't stop. I opened the fridge and began taking bites out of anything I could eat without cooking.

I tried to find it, the comfort, the satisfaction, the relief food brought for others, but it only made me more and more disgusted with myself. I finally ran from the room and into the bathroom. I stuck my finger down my throat until nothing more would come up, and then I fell to the floor in tears.

It hurt so badly and I needed something to help with the pain. I just had no idea what I needed. I wanted Mike to acknowledge my need and try to save me, but I was only coming off as moody and he found it easier to ignore me than dig deeper.

Why couldn't I say the words….Mike I need you to hold me together for awhile and let me draw from your strength? But it would be like sex; I had asked and he ignored me. I didn't speak up because I never felt worthy of anyone. If my own father didn't love me, why would any other man?

I took a long hot shower and worked on cleaning out the refrigerator before gathering the mail and taking it to Edward's house. I walked back to check on the aquarium and found pictures strewn all over his bed. They were all pictures of his kids. I sat down and looked at their smiling faces.

Edward had taken them many interesting places, and his face was always lit up with joy. I stared at him, smiling with his green eyes and always kneeling to be level with his children. I noticed how Jane was constantly touching him, either holding his hand or wrapped around his leg.

I began separating the pictures into groups, one with Jane, one with Alec, and one with all of them. I looked at the box he had dumped them from and decided to put them into albums for him. I spent the entire rest of the day shopping for the perfect books.

I found a pink princess album for Jane's pictures and a blue sports one for Alec's. The one for all three was a deep rich leather with images of fish stamped into the material. I worked all evening on the books and Mike never once asked me what I was so engrossed in. I felt like I knew the kids by the time I finished.

After dinner I took the books to Edward's house and placed them on his bed. I hoped he wouldn't be angry and think I had imposed myself into the middle of his memories. I justified it by thinking it would be something I would have loved for Luke.

The next day was Tuesday. When Mike began getting ready for work I asked, "Are you coming to the funeral?"

He looked at me and rolled his eyes, "Don't tell me you're going."

"He was my father; if nothing else he gave me life."

"Well, he didn't do shit for me, so I'm going to work," he said and left the room.

My parents were not a good combination. Alone they could have been better people, but together they were selfish and immature. My mother lived in a sort of alternate reality. Nothing bothered her and if she ever got bad news, she would simply ignore it.

I had tried to talk to her over the years about things I needed from them, but she would assure me I was loved and tell me not to think about it. She still referred to Luke's death as the 'thing' that happened to me. She said I would be fine once I forgot about the 'thing' that happened and had another baby.

She refused to acknowledge that was not a possibility anymore.

I walked into the funeral to find it packed with my father's fishing buddies and his work colleagues. I sat in the back and listened as he was eulogized. I didn't know the person they were speaking about; in fact I had never met the man. My father was cold and distant and never spoke, yet they called him warm and loving and always making them laugh.

When it was over and found my mother and gave her a hug. She pulled me aside and acted like she was going to tell me I inherited millions of dollars. "Bella, I can tell you this now. When you were born your father insisted we give you up for adoption. We weren't ready to be parents and he felt it would be the best thing. His mother almost had a heart attack and we had to go get you back after three months. They named you Marie, which was why we kept it as your middle name."

"Why are you telling me this?" I said as my entire body went numb.

"Because I promised your father I wouldn't tell you, but he's dead now, so there is no harm done."

I stared at her crazy ass face and wanted to slap her, but I simply shook my head and walked away. I wished I had the information before he died. I wished I could have walked up to him and demanded to know why he pulled me from a loving home back into his. I wanted to be Marie, the child who filled a couple with love and made their dreams of parenthood come true. I didn't want to be Bella, who almost gave her grandmother a heart attack.

I drove to the store to find Mike. I wasn't sure which location he was at today but his secretary was in so I asked her. "Hi, Jessica. Is Mike in?"

"He's at the downtown store, is there something I can do for you, Bella?"

"No, I just needed to see him," I tried to smile but I could tell she saw through me. Jessica was a former college roommate of mine and she knew me very well.

"I was sorry to hear about your father," she offered and I gave a disgusted snort. I didn't even have the words to say what I was feeling. I walked into Mike's office and wrote a note, asking him to call me if he returned.

I couldn't stand to go home, so I headed to a mall. I got my nails done and my dark hair highlighted. I didn't want to look like Bella anymore. I wanted to imagine what Marie would have been like and transform into her.

I picked up a pizza for dinner, knowing Mike would be thrilled and I wouldn't be able to eat. When I walked in the back door he whistled loudly. "You look hot," he smiled and I looked away so I wouldn't cry.

His arms wrapped around my waist and he snuggled into my neck. "It will be like sleeping with another woman," he said and kissed me lightly.

I wanted to tell him he was always sleeping with another woman because he had no idea who I was or what I needed, but I hugged him back instead of speaking. He had never tried to call me and I didn't ask him about it.

In bed his hands were rough and his eyes were tightly shut, using his own fantasies to fuel his lust. I simply laid there and wondered what man Marie would have married. Later that night he was playing with my hair when he whispered, "You were amazing tonight."

He couldn't see my tears, but at least I was amazing in his head, and that was all he needed.


	3. Chapter 3

Name: A Healing Heart

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 3

**Twilight Characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

**The story had 60 reviews when it was last published on 6/20/10**

**There is some mild abuse in this story, if that is a trigger for you, you might want to exit now.**

**If you are being abused, please seek help, it is out there for you...life CAN be good.**

* * *

Chapter 3

I didn't read tonight, I stayed in bed and tried to dig deep into my soul and find the missing pieces which were becoming so transparent they were hard to find. I was slowly disappearing and I wasn't sure if I wanted to stop it or not. I obviously wasn't worth unconditional love, so maybe parts of me needed to disappear.

I woke up after Mike had left and when I headed to the bathroom I caught my reflection in a mirror. I stared at the unfamiliar face and tried to see a glimpse of the person inside. I finally found her, deep inside the pain where she stared back at me.

I got dressed and tried to be someone new. I applied my makeup differently and used a large curling iron on my hair producing waves. It was something small but different enough to make me feel concealed.

I cleaned house, did some grocery shopping and picked up Edward's mail. I looked at his children's rooms again and even lay on Alec's bed. There was something oddly comforting about the rooms and it gave me courage to take a peek into Luke's nursery.

My hands were shaking terribly as I turned the key to unlock the door. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I could smell him, the powdery scent babies possess. I took a step into the room and let my eyes open in tiny slits, but it was enough. I saw the rocker where I held him as he took his last breath and turned to run.

It wasn't enough time and the pain in my chest was almost too much. I gasped for air and held onto the counter for support. My mind was flooded with memories and I couldn't deal with them. I needed Mike to hold me, or my father to assure me he did indeed love me, but mostly I needed my son to breathe.

I couldn't be in the house any longer, so I grabbed my keys and fled. I drove around for a very long time and finally stopped at a steak house which had a large bar. I was not a big drinker, and never drowned my sorrows with liquor, but today I needed extra help.

I sat on a stool at the end of the bar and kept my back to the room. Men approached me twice but when I refused their drinks and refused to speak, they left. The restaurant began to fill with the dinner rush but I remained and sipped on my drink.

My phone rang and I looked down to see Mike was calling. "Hello," I answered and realized I was slurring my words.

"Hey, Babe," he said without noticing my condition. "Do you feel up to a game tonight?"

"No, you go," I said without thinking how I would get home.

"Okay, I'll leave from the store, so I'll be home late."

"Kay," was all I said and he hung up. I ordered yet another drink and stared into the swirling liquid.

I could hear loud laughter coming from the restaurant but I ignored it. I climbed off my stool and headed to the restroom. A tall blonde was looking in the mirror and when she smiled I looked away. I had to hold onto the wall to return to my stool and the loud laughter was filtering into my brain again. I turned to see where it was coming from and saw a large muscle bound man laughing with a table full of people.

My eyes slowly left the man with deep dimples, and settled on the beautiful face next to him, the man locked eyes with me and I could see recognition. "Ah, you're in the pictures," I said aloud but was speaking to myself.

The man rose and walked toward me, but his face was angry. He pushed my drink away and ordered me coffee. "Are you here alone?" he asked.

"Edward," I said thinking I wasn't speaking out loud, yes that was his name.

"Where's Mike?" he asked looking around the room.

"At the game, I came alone because…." I leaned in to make sure my secret was safe. "I looked in the room."

He had no idea what I was talking about and I was in no condition to explain. I gave him a funny grin and asked, "Did you like the books? I found them all over and they should be kept in a book. They'll be safe in a book."

"Bella, I'm going to take you home," he said and took hold of my arm.

I felt my tears begin to fill my eyes and I leaned closer to him. "I don't want to go home, I don't want to exist. I'm a bad daughter and a bad wife, so I don't get to have a baby."

"Oh shit," he muttered and put his arm around me. "Come on, love, let me help you."

"Do you love me?" I asked him, needing to hear somebody in the world loved me.

"Mike loves you very much," he said with a strained voice, but I tried to pull away as I refuted his assumption.

"No, he doesn't give me love, only sex, and I don't want that, why does he do that?" I asked Edward as he led me to his car with both arms wrapped around my waist. He placed me in the passenger seat and hooked my seat belt around me.

"Let me have your keys, Bella," he said and turned to speak to someone behind him. I let my head fall back and I closed my eyes. I could feel the car moving but I wasn't aware enough to understand where we were going.

When the car stopped and the engine quieted I looked up to see my house next to me. The car door opened and the pretty blonde looked down at me. "He won't let you stay the night," I told her, hoping he wouldn't be mad I had let her know ahead of time.

"Like hell he won't," she laughed and I smiled at her.

"I think his heart is still broken," I whispered loudly. "He needs you to hold him and let him feel loved, don't just give him sex, give him love."

"I'm married to his brother, so I won't be giving him anything," she laughed and I felt another set of arms come around me.

I looked over to see Edward and I sighed, "You deserve love, you are such a nice man."

"You deserve it to," he said and looked at the blonde. "Can you help me get her in her bed?"

At that moment my stomach, which had been empty for two days, decided alcohol was not what it wanted and emptied itself down the front of my shirt.

"I'm not helping now, you're on your own," she said and walked away.

"I'm sorry," I said and tried to pull away but he held on tightly.

"Do you have Mike's number?" he asked and I only pointed at the house so he pulled me forward again.

I gave him the code to the garage and when he got the shower running he asked if I could manage. I assured him I could and sat on the floor as the spray doused me. I let my head fall and the warm water put me out in a matter of seconds.

"Bella, Bella," someone was calling out for me and I tried to respond but only a groan escaped. I heard the shower door open and I looked up to see Edward looking upset and frustrated.

"Jesus," he called out and shut off the water. "Come on, God, you're going to get me killed," he complained.

He toweled off my body and my hair and placed one of Mike's big shirts on me before helping me into bed. A few moments later he was calling my name again, "Bella, here's a bowl if you need it."

I felt his hand move my hair away from my face and he whispered softly. "It gets better, love, I promise."

"Edward, why would parents give their child away?" I asked and he took a deep breath. I didn't know if he responded or not, my thoughts faded to black at that moment.

When I finally opened my eyes bright light was coming through the windows. Mike had slept next to me and left for the day without ever realizing the condition I was in. I sat up and my body complained loudly. I was so disappointed in myself and tried to remember if I had driven home drunk. It was at that moment I realized Edward had been here.

I looked around the room in panic and tried to remember if I had invited him here or not. Surely he wasn't the type of man to take advantage of a drunk, grieving woman. I remembered him leading me into the house and when the shower jumped into my thoughts I gasped loudly and fell back onto my bed. I looked at my clothing, Mike's shirt, but no underwear. I looked around the bed for any evidence of sex, but if he used a condom there wouldn't be any. I wanted to scream. I was dealing with depression, but I was nowhere near the decision to cheat on my husband. I was almost hyperventilating when my phone rang.

I saw it was Mike calling and I refused to answer, I wouldn't be able to contain my emotions if I had to talk to my husband with the guilt weighing on me. I showered, feeling ugly and evil. I tried to wash the feeling away but it was on the inside, not the outside.

I dressed and headed to the kitchen to make some food when the doorbell rang. A beautiful, tall, blonde woman stood before me. "Hi, Bella, are you feeling better?"

"I'm sorry, do I know you?" I asked feeling like I was stuck inside a dream.

"I helped Edward bring you home last night; I'm Rosalie, his sister-in-law."

"I wasn't with Edward?" I asked in relief and then realized how awful it sounded.

She gave me a sorrowful look and said the words I needed to hear, "No, he put you in bed and left. Edward is not that kind of man, but you sure sent him on an emotional slide," she said and looked toward his house sadly.

"What do you mean?"

"The albums; what an incredibly nice thing to do for him."

"I wasn't sure if I should have imposed, but the pictures didn't feel right in a box," I said to explain but she only smiled at me.

"Well, thank you, I'll tell him you are alive and breathing," she laughed.

"Rosalie," I called out when she walked away, "Don't tell him I thought…you know."

"Of course not," she said kindly and I watched her walk away.

I walked back into the house and called Mike. "How was the game?" I asked him.

"Good, the Mariners lost, but it was a good game. What did you do last night?" he asked.

"I drank too much," I told him truthfully and he laughed.

"Why don't you drive downtown and I'll take you to lunch," he offered and I quickly agreed. I wanted time with Mike to reconnect and make sure I wasn't losing him due to my horrible moods. I dressed up for him and tried to look my best.

I was only a couple of blocks from the store when he called to say he couldn't make it. Something came up with a vendor and he needed to handle things. I assured him it was fine and decided to walk around the wharf and look at the little shops.

It was filled with tourists and I steered clear of the crowded places. I was staring down at some jewelry and was only vaguely aware someone walked up next to me. "May I help you?" the clerk asked and I looked up at the same time the man next to me did, both of us answering at the same time.

We stared at each other in shock and then a smile broke out on both of our faces.

"Wow, you must think I'm stalking you," he laughed.

"Maybe we need to check our schedules before leaving the street," I said and he laughed louder.

"My brother and sister-in-law are visiting, so we're doing the whole contrived feel of the city."

"The Needle, fish and chips, boat ride in the sound?" I asked with a laugh.

"Exactly," he said and his smile faded as he struggled with his words. I knew he felt the need to thank me for the albums and I wanted to stop him.

"No need, Edward," I said first. "I ended up owing you, anyway."

"I hope it wasn't the pictures that sent you to the bar," he said with a quiet voice, obviously trying to be discreet in a public place.

"No, I…" I blew out a rush of air and tried to continue. "I went to my father's funeral and then looked in Luke's room."

"Are you here avoiding your house?" he asked with concern and I quickly shook my head.

"My husband invited me to lunch, but something came up," I said and tried to smile.

"Will you join us?" he asked, "Seattle has the best fish and chips in the world."

I laughed and prepared to refuse when he added more to convince me. "It will keep my family from asking personal questions."

I knew what he meant. People want to be helpful by asking all the wrong questions. They want to hear you are moving forward and the permanent scar on your soul has disappeared magically, instead of talking about the void in your heart and in your life.

"Thank you, I would love to join you for lunch," I said and took the arm he was offering me.

We headed to a small diner on the waterfront and sat upstairs overlooking the sound. Rosalie smiled when she saw me, but Edward's brother looked confused. They sat in the chairs across from us and Edward introduced me.

"Emmett, this is my neighbor, Bella Newton."

"Hi Bella, you look better without the vomit covering you," he said and laughed loudly making other patrons turn to look at us. I felt my face redden and his beautiful wife smacked his arm.

I gave Edward a threatening glance and he used his hand to cover his mouth and whispered to me, "Better you than me."

"I was set up," I said back and he nodded. "How are you enjoying Seattle?" I asked the others.

"Great, it isn't Chicago, but it's decent," Emmett offered and Edward shook his head.

"How long have you lived here?" I asked Edward and he turned to speak only to me.

"Victoria was from here, so when we married we settled close to her family. I've been here for almost ten years."

"So, how many years did you live in Chicago?" I asked and watched his mouth pull into a smile.

"Are you asking my age?" he laughed.

"You don't look old enough to have been married ten years and the father of a seven year old and a five year old," I said and noticed how the others tensed.

"Well, I was only married four years, but I'm twenty nine. I married young and thought I could handle the whole starving student life, she couldn't."

"He knocked her up," his brother offered and Edward kicked him under the table.

"She left me to go home to her parents, hoping I would move back to Chicago or forget I had children. When her drinking became an issue I got custody."

"Wow, you raised two kids alone?" I asked and watched as his expression softened and pride entered his face.

"I'm a composer so I work out of my house. It was the perfect situation."

"Alec and Jane were very lucky," I said and he smiled, but I also saw his eyes become wet.

"Okay, this is a vacation, no more depressing talk," Emmett said and ordered a beer.

I knew that tone, which meant others were uncomfortable, so stop talking about the things everyone wants you to forget. I placed my hand on Edward's hand, which was resting on his thigh, and gave him a slight squeeze. He placed his other hand on top of mine and patted it knowingly.


	4. Chapter 4

Name: A Healing Heart

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 4

**Twilight Characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

**The story had 60 reviews when it was last published on 6/20/10**

**There is some mild abuse in this story, if that is a trigger for you, you might want to exit now.**

**If you are being abused, please seek help, it is out there for you...life CAN be good.**

* * *

Chapter: 4

Mike slammed the door when he entered the house and I closed my eyes as I waited for the eruption. Mike had a temper, he was never abusive, but when something went wrong he vented loudly. He walked into our room and gave me a glance before pulling off his tie harshly.

"I deal with stupid asses all day long. I would like to have just one day without dealing with shit, is that too much to ask?" he yelled and threw his shoes one at a time callously into the closet. They bounced off the back wall and I closed my book.

"It must be nice to sit home and read all day," he said and headed into the bathroom.

It was his idea for me to quit work in the first place. I had been put on bed rest during my pregnancy and Mike enjoyed having me home when he arrived in the evening and asked me not to return. I left the room and began making dinner. When we finally sat down to eat he looked over at me but I wouldn't look at him.

"Are you mad at me?" he asked.

"No, I missed you at lunch, but I'm not angry."

"Of course not; you never get angry. It must be nice to be perfect," he said hatefully.

"Perfect," I said and shook my head. Perfect people don't have parents who give them away and they don't live in such fear of making a mistake they can't show emotions. And, perfect people have sons who can breathe, not ones they have to bury in a box.

"I'll be in my office," he said after putting his plate in the sink. "Somebody has to pay for all of this shit around here."

"Mike," I called softly, "If you want me to go back to work, I will."

"Whatever," he said and slammed his office door.

I did the dishes and fixed him some dessert. I took the bowl to his office and set it on his desk before turning to leave. "Bella, I just had a really bad day," he said and I turned to look at him.

"I'm sorry, anything I can do?" I asked.

"Yeah, come here," he said and pushed back in his chair. I walked over to sit on his lap but he pushed me down onto my knees. "Make it all go away," he said and shut his eyes.

I wondered if he even realized he never once asked me about the funeral, or what I did for lunch, or what I had done while he was at the game and I was drinking myself into oblivion. Yet he has a bad day at work and I'm only good for helping him relieve some tension. In those few brief minutes I hated Mike with everything I had.

I ended up at the gazebo again in the middle of the night and this time I heard Edward approaching. He was carrying the leather album and asked, "May I join you?" I smiled noting how he actually asked this time.

"Come on in," I said. I shut my book and watched him look at a couple of pages in his album before his head rose to look at me.

"This all seems like another lifetime," he said and I understood. "I'm not sure if it is age or perspective that changes, but the good times seem better and the hard times seem harder."

"Do you know what you want?" I asked him and his brow furrowed. "I mean, I feel like I don't know how to ask for what I want, but then I'm not even sure I know what it is I should be asking for. Did I change so much, or did others change?"

"I would let the women stay, if they gave me what I needed," he said and looked out into the darkness. "It always ends up being so shallow, maybe it's me."

I scooted closer to him and said in a quiet voice, "I don't want sex anymore. I want to feel loved, but maybe it isn't possible when half your heart is missing."

"There is a huge difference between the two actions," he said finally looking at me. "I can't tell you what they are, but I know they are different and my body longs for the feeling."

"Yes, exactly, I need….understanding, in a touch. Does that make sense?" I asked him and he nodded quickly.

"I don't want to forget, even in passion I want to remember. I need someone to come to the place of pain with me, not ask me to forget about it. I'm there and the only way to be with me is if she comes there, too," he said and I felt like he took the words from my own mouth.

"Don't let them stay," I said and knew he wouldn't misinterpret my meaning.

He stared at me for a moment and finally asked, "How was the funeral?"

My eyes filled with tears, and not for my father, but for the kind man in front of me who knew somehow what I needed without my having to ask for it. "My mother was finally able to tell me a big secret, now that my father has passed. I was given up for adoption and retrieved at three months for my grandmother's health. It seems she was the only one having a problem with my absence."

"Your mother told you that at the funeral?" he asked with wide eyes.

"Oh, it gets worse, you see, the funeral was on Tuesday and you are the first person to ask me about it. Not even my husband has asked."

Edward rubbed his hand over his face with frustration and I worried about coming off as a needy woman. My problems were mine, and I shouldn't be dumping them onto someone else, especially someone with his own pain.

"Bella, you are a special person…"

"No, don't," I told him, hoping he would stop trying to make me feel better. I wasn't complaining to him. I was simply stating facts. His kind words would not find a place to settle within me. I didn't have the capability to take compliments into my heart, because I was never taught how to trust in someone enough to believe kind words. I was grateful he stopped talking.

"I want to ask if I can do something with you, not now, but later down the road?" he asked and I only nodded. "Let me see Luke's room."

I let my head drop onto my knees and he quickly began speaking again. "I left the pictures in a box because it was something unfinished. They weren't gone if there was something left to do. But seeing them in the beautiful albums showed me there was nothing to fear. They aren't harder to find, they are right at my fingertips now. I want to do something positive for you, please."

I nodded quickly and we both looked out into the dark yard. "The dogwood looks better," he whispered and I smiled. "Goodnight, Bella."

I watched him walk away and felt like I finally had a friend who understood, but I knew I needed more than understanding. I needed some professional help or Mike and I would be forever damaged. When Mike woke up the following morning I asked him if he cared if I invited the neighbor's for a barbeque. I explained Edward had family visiting from Chicago and Mike quickly agreed.

Mike called me that afternoon to see if Edward had agreed to the barbeque and told me Eric and Angela had been invited, too. I felt better at the thought of having a party and being capable of finding joy in a group of people.

I bought some fresh salmon to grill and spent the afternoon cooking various dishes. I dressed in some casual jeans and a simple tee and I felt comfortable in my new look. Mike showed up only minutes before our guests and was dressing while I entertained.

I poured drinks and made all the introductions and we settled around a table on the deck. Mike came out and I offered him my chair, but he pulled me back to his on his lap and smiled up at me. "You have the best ass in town," he said loudly and I felt my face blush.

Eric and Angela laughed, but I didn't look to see what Edward's reaction was. I pulled away and went inside to bring out a vegetable tray. Mike was loud and talking to Emmett about the Chicago Bears as I warmed up the grill. They both had played the same football position in high school and were bonding quickly.

Edward came over to help me put the salmon on to grill and it put me into tears. I excused myself and headed back into the house but he followed. "Are you okay?" he asked softly and I felt like an emotional mess.

"Yes," I assured him, "You're kindness caught me off guard. I'm not used to people paying attention."

"Do you need a hug?" he asked and held out his arms. I laughed and shook my head so he added, "I do."

I took a step forward and he circled his arms around me and hugged with force. I felt my hands come lightly to his back and set softly on his body. "I remember being on the cusp like this," he said into my ear. "You still hurt, but you feel it is time to heal."

"I feel like I'm a piece of string that is unraveling," I whispered to him.

"I know," he said softly and tightened his arms. "It sucks."

I let him hold me for as long as it took to feel his strength flow into me. It was what I desperately wanted Mike to do, but he would read I wanted sex. I only wanted this right here, comfort, understanding and sharing of strength.

When we parted I felt much better and led Edward back to the deck. The evening continued on and we enjoyed having our new friends and old friends together. Mike talked with Emmett and flirted with Rosalie, while Angela and I talked with Edward most of the night.

When we got into bed Mike looked at me with dilated eyes. "Tonight was fun," he said with a smile.

"Yes, it was. Listen honey, I want to see a counselor and try to get past all the depression, would you mind coming with me?"

"Me," he asked in shock, "Why do I need to go?"

"Because it effects our marriage and I need support," I told him and he rolled over.

"I'm not the crazy one," he mumbled and I felt my value plummet. He thought I was crazy and maybe that was why he worked long hours and was able to get over the death of his son. I decided to make an appointment first thing in the morning.

I had a scheduled visit two weeks later and chose an older woman who made me feel comfortable, until she lowered her glasses and leaned toward me. "Tell me how you lost your virginity," she said and I laughed nervously. She didn't respond and waited for my answer.

"Oh, God," I said and looked at my hands as they twisted each finger.

"Was it your husband?" she pushed.

"No, it was stupid…"

"Were you intoxicated?"

"No, but it would have been a lot better if I had been," I admitted and felt the tears form. I took a breath and said, "I lost my virginity on the bathroom floor of my boyfriend's parent's home."

She wrote steadily in a file and I wanted to disappear from the room.

"How old were you?"

"Eighteen."

"Tell me how you feel about the experience," she said and set her pen down.

"Looking back I see it was stupid. He wanted me and I thought that meant something. Not very many boys took an interest in me since my father was the police chief. I was awkward and bookwormish. I guess I figured he was my one chance and I shouldn't blow it.

"How did you meet your husband?"

"I lived on the same floor as his secretary. She set us up and we dated briefly before marrying."

"Another chance you were afraid to blow?" she asked.

"No, I love my husband; I just wish I knew how to connect with him better."

"Do you realize if you begin to get better it could ruin your marriage?" she asked and stared into my eyes.

"Why?" I asked in shock.

"Because you were not healthy when you married him, and maybe you won't be compatible anymore, is he willing to come to sessions with you?"

"If it means the destruction of our marriage, I'm sure he will," I answered but felt a tightening in my chest. Mike was the only man willing to love me and if I drove him away I would truly be alone. I was also terrified for him to find out how totally messed up I was. He wouldn't be able to love me if he grew to really know me.

"I want you to bring your husband tomorrow, can you manage that?" she asked and I shook my head confidently, but really had my doubts.

I drove home feeling sick to my stomach. I was afraid to even bring up the subject with Mike. I hated when he got into a bad mood. He would yell and slam doors and it made me feel like a scared little girl. I waited until dinner was over when I finally said, "Hey Mike, my therapist would like to meet with both of us tomorrow. Does it work with your schedule?"

"Why do I have to go?" he asked.

"She just wants to meet you," I assured him but he looked at me for a minute too long. "It is part of my therapy, not yours."

"Do we really need to dig into all this shit," he said angrily and I turned to walk away so I wouldn't have to deal with him. It only fueled his anger. "Maybe we should discuss how you never respond to anything. You never yell, or laugh, or even fucking move in bed, maybe we should discuss that."

I grabbed my book off of the table and headed to the gazebo. I read until I saw all the lights turn off inside the house then I simply sat and looked at the dark forest behind our property. I heard Edward approaching and I closed my eyes, wishing he would turn around and go back inside.

He sat across from me and I kept my eyes closed until I heard him sniffle. I looked up to see his head was down and he raised his hand to wipe his eyes. I scooted over to him and leaned over to look at his face. He looked away but I knew something really painful was weighing on him.

"What's wrong?" I asked softly.

"It's past midnight," he said and then let his face fall into his hands as he cried loudly.

I put my arms around him and let him cry. I rocked us back and forth and held him tightly as he poured out his broken heart. "It's her birthday, and she would have turned seven."

His baby girl, who loved her daddy, was front and center in his mind even though she was far from him in reality. He should be able to celebrate the joy of her birth and not ignore the love in his heart.

"Let's have a party for her, pink balloons and a princess cake," I said and he moved his arms to wrap around me as he held on for strength. "You can play her favorite song on the piano and share your memories of her.

"Yes," he cried and I smiled against his head.

"Oh, Edward, she will be so happy," I said and closed my eyes as I held him. I wondered if there was a special place in heaven for the tiny babies we all missed so badly. If they spent all their time laughing and dancing and gloriously happy, surely our tears paid the ransom for such a place and all the happiness they deserved.

He moved to sit back and I let go of him. He used his sleeve to wipe his tears and finally looked at me. "Thank you," he said with a slightly embarrassed tone.

"No need," I said to him and wondered what he would have done if I didn't live next to him.

"Victoria comes up for parole in three months," he said and my mouth fell open in shock.

"She lived?" I asked stupidly.

"Yes, she lived," he said with disgust.

"I saw a therapist," I shared and he nodded for me to continue. "She wants Mike to come with me and basically told me my marriage was doomed."

"I imagine he is not happy about the whole thing."

"You imagine correctly," I said.

He looked up at the sky and thought for a moment before saying, "I don't think we change all that much, I think when dramatic things happen, the differences that were already there are just more apparent. But, I have a loving family who support me wholeheartedly, so I can't pretend to know what you're feeling."

"I feel like I don't deserve love," I said and he reached over and took my hand.

"You were an amazing mother and you know how I know?"

I shook my head back and forth.

"Because you are an amazing friend, so if you can manage being an amazing mother and friend, I don't think wife would be too hard to pull off."

"I can't blame Mike for misunderstanding when I am too afraid to tell him what I need. I want him to just know and it is not fair to him."

"What do you need, Bella, tell me and it will be easier to tell him," he suggested and I found courage in the darkness again.

"I want to feel love, and I'm not sure I would even recognize it. He doesn't see the difference between love and sex," I admitted again.

"And it makes you feel like a prostitute?" he asked and I nodded. "I know that feeling. I'm ready to buy a dog and stick to masturbation, totally give up on finding love and put myself out of my misery."

I laughed loudly and he finally gave me a genuine smile.


	5. Chapter 5

Name: A Healing Heart

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 5

**Twilight Characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

**The story had 60 reviews when it was last published on 6/20/10**

**There is some mild abuse in this story, if that is a trigger for you, you might want to exit now.**

**If you are being abused, please seek help, it is out there for you...life CAN be good.**

* * *

Chapter: 5

I made a cake to look like a castle and iced it with bright pink frosting. I cut some flowers from my garden and headed next door for the party. Edward answered the door with a huge smile on his face. He had the kitchen decorated with pink balloons and pink streamers.

His eyes widened at the sight of the cake and laughed loudly. "It's perfect," he said and took it from my hands. He pulled out a chair for me and sat next to me before opening the album.

"She was born at eight-thirty on a Tuesday night. She was screaming at the top of her lungs until I held her in my arms. She stopped crying and looked right at me. I'm sure it was only reflex and I was a big blur, but in that moment my heart belonged to her."

He turned the page and pointed to a picture of Alec holding Jane. "He was so gentle with his sister and they were the best of friends. He called her chain for a year and it became her nickname."

We worked our way through the albums and I felt like Jane and Alec were a part of me now. Edward picked up the lighter and carried the cake into the music room. He had awards all over the walls and surprised me by setting the cake right on top of the shiny piano.

I lit the candles as he played, happy birthday, with both of us singing along. When he finished he leaned over and blew out the candles and finally let his emotions get the better of him. His hands fell onto the keys with a loud clank and he sobbed loudly calling out his daughter's name.

I sat next to him on the bench and rubbed his back lightly. After a few moments his hands began playing a soft lullaby which was beautiful and haunting at the same time. I closed my eyes and pictured the tiny blonde child dancing around the room with a pink tutu as her daddy played.

"She's here," I said keeping my eyes closed.

"Yes, and she is so happy," he said with a hushed voice. "I love you baby," he said a little louder and when the song came to an end he let his head fall and said, "Goodbye, princess."

I opened my eyes to find him smiling next to me. Our eyes locked on one another and I wanted to thank God he was my friend. "Do you want to try some cake?" I asked.

"Certainly," he said and stood to carry the cake back into the kitchen.

We sat together at the table and I laughed at the sight of his bright pink teeth. "It better be gone by tonight, I have a date," he said.

"Maybe this one will get to sleep over," I teased.

He groaned and shook his head. "I think I'm going to try asking for what I want, this time. It can't turn out any worse."

"I'll do the same and get Mike to go with me to a session."

He held up his cup and said, "Here's to us."

I smiled and tapped my cup against his.

I regretted the toast as soon as Mike sat down on the leather couch across from my therapist. She looked at him and he responded by bouncing his leg and crossing his arms defensively. She continued to stare and he finally yelled, "What?"

"Why are you so nervous?" she asked.

"Because I don't understand why I am here, what do you want?" His comment made me want to laugh, because it wouldn't matter what she wanted, he would do whatever he wanted to do anyway. Maybe it was a gender problem and she didn't stand a chance simply because she was a woman.

"I want to save your marriage," she said bluntly and he turned to look at me.

"Are you leaving me?" he asked with anger.

"No, I told you I want to strengthen us, not leave you."

He turned back to the therapist and sighed loudly, "Bella needs to learn how to relax."

"I read to relax," I pointed out.

"No, you read to escape and not have to deal with anything," he corrected.

"Well, you watch sports to escape, why can't I have my own escape?" I asked him as I grew angry.

"Because you shut down, I watch sports and I cheer and scream and cuss. I use emotions, you never do."

"Why should I yell and make people uncomfortable, when I can read and get the same escape?"

"Bella," the doctor broke in. "If you are angry, how do you express it?"

"I walk away; I don't throw a fit like a brat."

"And if you are sad, how do you express it?" she asked.

"I go someplace to be alone."

"So how can Mike tell if you are angry or sad?"

"He can ask me."

"You are like a fucking Stepford wife," Mike said angrily and I looked at the doctor.

"How do you feel about what he said?" she pushed.

"I think he is lashing out because he doesn't want to be here," I said and looked at Mike as he shook his head.

"Okay, Mike thank you for coming. I need to spend some time with Bella now."

I watched as Mike left the room in anger and began dreading the ride home. I never felt his anger was in response to my lack of emotion, I wanted him to learn from my example. I looked at Dr. Banners face and smiled. She only shook her head.

"Bella, we need to work on your emotional responses. You are basically dead on the outside so we need to dig deeply to bring your feelings to the surface. It isn't wrong to feel emotions and express them, as long as you don't lose control."

"I feel emotions and I express them. Just today I cried with my neighbor over the death of his daughter. We gave her a birthday party and he played her favorite lullaby."

She didn't move and sat perfectly still as she stared at my confused face. I thought she needed more of an explanation so I added, "He listens when I express my pain and lets me talk about Luke."

"Does your husband know you're having an affair?" she asked.

My mouth fell open and I said very loudly, "I am NOT having an affair. Edward is my friend and he is on a date right now."

"You are leaning on another man emotionally, that is indeed an affair."

I gasped and tried to find the right words to explain my friendship with Edward. We were bound together in understanding of each other's pain. He knew Mike and talked about his dates with other women. I didn't lean on him emotionally; I belonged to an exclusive club which he was unfortunately a member of, too.

I stood and headed for the door but she jumped up and blocked my path. "Are you angry, Bella?"

"Yes, you are accusing me of something that is not true," I explained.

"Then tell me to go to hell, yell at me and defend yourself."

"I know the truth; I don't care what you think."

"Come on, Bella, there is a part of you that wants him, right? Is he cute? Do you imagine lying in his arms?"

I stared at her in shock and shook my head adamantly. "I'm not going to listen to this any longer, please move out of my way."

Dr. Banner took a deep breath and said, "We'll work on this further, maybe we need to look at hypnotherapy to help you express your emotions."

I walked out of her office and vowed to never return again.

Mike and I didn't speak the entire way home. He slammed his door and I headed into the house with heaviness weighing on me. I was desperate to save my marriage. I didn't want to be that woman, the one too broken to keep her relationship together. Divorce would be just another failure in my life.

I reached for my book and quickly pulled my hand back. I was going to work it out with Mike if I had to scream and yell to do it. He was in the kitchen making food so I walked in and grabbed the graham crackers from his hand.

"You are not hungry, you're pissed, so let's fight it out instead of hiding behind food and books," I demanded.

He grabbed the box back angrily and mumbled, "I'm not your little boy; I can do what I want."

I automatically grabbed onto the counter to steady myself. I didn't understand why he would purposefully try to hurt me. I felt tears threatening and turned to leave but I forced myself to remain put and said, "He was our son, not mine."

"No, he was yours; you pushed me out of the picture the moment he was born."

I turned to see Mike's angry face. "He was dying, Mike. I had only a limited amount of time with our child. I would have stayed awake the entire time if I could have. I didn't want to miss a moment."

"You were mine first," he yelled and grabbed a beer from the fridge. "You aren't even the same woman anymore."

"How do you know? You never listen to a word I say or ask a thing about my life. Dr. Banner thinks I have more of a relationship with Edward next door than my own husband."

"Yeah right," he snorted, "The guys a fruit."

"I tell him things I don't tell you, because he listens and he understands."

"Because he's a woman, Bella. God, do you want me to turn into a pansy to understand you?" His voice was getting loud and I wanted to walk away so badly, but if we were going to last we had to do this.

"I want you to make love to me Mike, not sex but tender, safe, lovemaking. Do you hear what I'm saying? You make me feel cheap and used, if we can't even love each other right, what hope do we have?"

"You never complained before," he pointed out.

"Yes I have, you just don't listen."

"Fine, I'll go back to screwing Jessica, will that make you happy?"

"We're in trouble Mike, I'm not sure we can fix this," I said as tears fell down my cheeks.

"Oh great, now you're going to fucking cry. I'm going to bed; we'll talk about this later."

I watched him walk away and I was able to draw on the anger just enough to follow him. When he tried to slam the door I pushed it back open with my foot. He spun around in surprise and it gave me a bit more courage.

"Can't you see how much I need you, Mike? My father never showed me love, my son is dead, you are all I have and I need you. We vowed for better or worse, this is the worse and I need my husband," I cried.

He looked at me for a moment and finally pulled me into his arms. I grabbed on tightly and buried my face in his chest as he kissed my head several times. "I'll find a new doctor," he said softly, "And we'll get you on the right medication to straighten you out."

I bit on the side of my mouth until the pain finally registered. I could taste blood but I didn't respond. I let my arms drop limply and moved my numb body to the closet to change into my nightgown. I took a long time in the bathroom and Mike was snoring when I finally came to bed.

I couldn't sleep and knew I would be up most of the night so I finally grabbed my book and went to the gazebo. Just after two in the morning Edward's car pulled into his garage. I didn't see any other car following him and knew his night didn't go any better than mine.

I smiled at him when he entered the gazebo with slouched shoulders. He sat down and let out a long sigh. "Hmm…the asking didn't work?" I asked.

"It seems asking for tenderness makes me a pussy," he said as he shook his head.

"Maybe you're dating the wrong women," I suggested.

"Yeah, maybe. Do you know any elderly nuns?"

I laughed at his situation and didn't have the heart to tell him he was so handsome women spent the evening drooling over him, and were so heated by the end of the night tenderness was the last thing on their minds. But I kept my comments to myself.

"Well, I asked too, and now Mike is on a quest to find the perfect pill to fix me."

I had expected Edward to laugh, but he looked at me with a serious expression. "There is nothing wrong with you, Bella."

I looked away so he couldn't see the emotion on my face and I felt like I was so exposed. He was my friend, and friends feel like they become a part of you, right? I was angry for Dr. Banner putting the entire concept of an affair into my head in the first place. It was ridiculous.

"You're going to find the perfect woman, Edward, and you'll have more children to love someday. Alec and Jane will make sure you give them siblings."

"I want to thank you again for the party. I actually felt pretty good today, well, yesterday."

"I'm happy it helped."

He raised his head and looked at my house giving me a nod, "Mike's up."

I turned to see the lights on and I felt sick inside. The last thing I wanted was another altercation. "I better go see what he wants," I said and walked in the darkness toward the house. Mike came outside and waited for me on the edge of the deck.

"Do you need something?" I asked him and he looked down at my nightgown.

"What are you doing out here?"

"I was reading," I said and held up my book.

"I guess you'll sleep all day tomorrow," he said and I let my head fall.

"Mike, I will go back to work if you want me to, do you want me to start working again?"

"Oh, now I don't make enough money?" he accused and I knew he was looking for a fight.

"Why are you up?" I finally asked.

"I'm horny, come get me off," he said and walked back into the house.

I stood frozen to my spot, mortified at the possibility Edward heard him. I looked behind me but it was too dark to make out anything, so I headed into the house. When I entered the bedroom Mike grabbed my nightgown. "You want to see what cheap feels like, Bella?" he said as he ripped the gown right down the middle. "I'll show you cheap and used, so you'll know the difference."

I hummed the soft lullaby Edward had played over and over again in my head. I should have paid attention to what Mike was doing, so I could truly know the difference, but it didn't matter, I didn't deserve love and I shouldn't have demanded it from him. I was lucky he wanted me as his wife and if I didn't keep my mouth shut I would ruin that, too.


	6. Chapter 6

Name: A Healing Heart

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 6

**Twilight Characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

**The story had 60 reviews when it was last published on 6/20/10**

**There is some mild abuse in this story, if that is a trigger for you, you might want to exit now.**

**If you are being abused, please seek help, it is out there for you...life CAN be good.**

* * *

Chapter: 6

I stood naked in front of the mirror and saw the bruises and bite marks. Most of them could be covered with clothing, but the perfect hand shaped marks on my arms would be harder to hide. I showered and dressed in long pants and a long sleeved shirt. I would be warm so I turned up the air conditioner.

I drank a small glass of milk but couldn't force myself to eat anything. I was staring at the bookshelf when the doorbell rang. I opened it hesitantly and saw Edward's furrowed brow, knowing he had heard Mike after all.

I let my eyes drop and didn't invite him inside. "Are you okay?" he asked kindly.

"Yeah, I'm great," I lied.

"Look at me," he said softy. I wanted to shut the door so badly but something kept me from doing it. Maybe it was a deeply buried survival instinct that was crying out for help for me, but I finally raised my eyes to his.

He smiled and I responded the same way and felt my shoulders relax a bit. "May I come in?" he asked and I stepped back for him to pass. He looked around the rooms he could see from the foyer and finally turned to face me. "I would like to see Luke's room."

He should have just punched me in the gut, since it would have gotten the same response. There were so many things I would refuse to acknowledge today and Luke's room was one of them. I shook my head and reached for the door when he grabbed my hand.

He held it gently and I knew it would take only a bit of effort to pull it back, but I left it. His hold was kind and soft and I closed my eyes and let myself really feel it.

"Bella, I need to see the room so I can understand what is keeping you here. I can't understand it right now and it is really messing with my head. Please, show me the room."

I tightened my hand on his and turned to pull him to the room. I stopped at the door and reached up for the key. When I heard it click I closed my eyes. I felt Edward reach around me and open the door before wrapping his arms around my waist and pushing me forward.

"Oh, my God," he said softly and I knew he was looking at the mural I had painted. I wanted to bring a bit of the forest into the house so I painted tall trees with animal babies being tended by their mothers. "Did you paint this?" he asked and I only nodded, still keeping my eyes closed.

"I feel it," he whispered. "I feel the love in this room, God, Bella, he loved you so much."

My knees gave out and I began to sink. I expected him to hold me up, but he lowered right along with me, so I let my head fall back onto his chest. He brought his hand to my exposed cheek and ran his thumb up and down my face.

I wasn't sure if it was because Edward was in the room with me or if I was in so much pain I was allowed a glimpse at the happiness my son was experiencing, but I swear I heard children laughing and playing.

"Bella, you don't give yourself enough credit," he said into my ear. "You are so much stronger than you think."

I shook my head and wanted to tell him not to bother with his words. They wouldn't matter because I knew, deep down, where everything stems from I knew love was not something I could claim as mine.

Edward took hold of my arms to turn me so he could see my face, but I cried out and held my arms in pain, while opening my eyes. I saw the rocking chair and quickly backed up to the wall and curled into a ball.

"Come on, l'll take you out of here," he said gently and took my hand with his, leading me into the hallway. He locked the door and replaced the key before turning to face me. "Take off your shirt, Bella."

Under any other circumstances I would have laughed at his command or demanded he leave my house, but this time I knew he knew and there was no use acting differently. I pulled off the longs sleeve shirt, leaving the tank top in place, since a bra would have been too painful.

He looked at my body with horror and had to swallow a couple of times before he could speak, "Did he do this because I was in the gazebo last night?"

I shook my head, "He didn't know you were there."

"Does he do this often?"

I wasn't sure how to respond. He had never physically left evidence before, but his bruises we often left on the inside of my soul. I just stared into Edward's eyes and felt the sting of tears when I saw his own eyes growing wet.

He pulled me gently into his arms and held me softly. My hands moved to circle around him and I heard him inhale sharply causing both of us to tighten our hold. He buried his face in my neck and rested his mouth against my flesh as he breathed in and out.

His shirt was raised at one edge and I put my hands underneath it and ran my fingers lightly up his spine. I loved the feel of his skin on my fingertips. It was stretched tightly against his bones instead of soft and thick from fat.

When I felt his lips begin to form soft kisses on my neck, I moved my hands to the front of his body and up his chest, forcing him to back up a bit.

His head began moving down my body as he continued his light kisses and I could hear the moans escaping from my mouth. I couldn't remember feeling desire like this before. I wanted him so badly he felt like my oxygen. I had to gasps for air and I needed him to breathe for me. We both lowered to our knees and I ran my hands into his hair and down his face.

When my fingertips traced his mouth he opened it slightly and licked the ends of my fingers. I watched in fascination and felt my face moving closer to his. I kept my fingers in place to separate us as I placed my lips over them.

I could feel his warm tongue push through my fingers and move softly over my mouth. I pulled my fingers away and just as we fully connected our mouths my doorbell rang. I jumped back and covered my mouth in shame when realization settled on me. Edward's head fell with his own disappointment and he quickly stood and walked out the back of the house.

I pulled on my shirt and answered the door to find a flower delivery. I was handed two dozen roses with a card from Mike saying, _The old Bella is back, thanks for a great night. Love Mike_.

I was handing the young man a tip when I saw Edward's car drive away. I took the flowers and threw them in the sink with anger. I could no longer pretend I wouldn't be able to recognize love because I just got a glimpse from Edward, and now I knew, I would recognize it anywhere. Mike was not giving me love and I was going to demand he never touch me harshly again.

I waited for Mike to come home, but he never showed. I called his phone, but he didn't answer. I worried maybe he was injured or in an accident, but nobody ever came to inform me of such a thing. I stayed away from the gazebo, but wasn't sure if Edward ever returned home either.

By the next morning I drove to Mike's office and saw his car out front. I walked inside to find him passed out drunk on his sofa. I turned to leave just as Jessica came from the bathroom, dressed in only her bra and panties and her hair a mess. She gasped when she saw me and tried to apologize. I looked over at Mike and wondered what I had been trying so hard to save in the first place.

I left the store and drove home to pack up my things. I only had one place to go and that would be to Forks to live with my mom. I dreaded the thought of it, but it was all I could do for now. I had my car loaded down with my stuff when Mike pulled into the garage.

"What the hell do you think you're doing," he yelled at me.

I totally ignored him and continued arranging my load. He walked over to the car and pulled a basket of clothes from the seat and threw them on the ground. I realized it was all just stuff and stuff could be replaced so I got my keys and climbed in the driver side.

"Get back in the house, Bella," he demanded.

"Go screw Jessica," I said, "Leave me alone."

"You sent me to her, don't act like you're innocent in all of this," he screamed loudly.

My head was ready to explode from anger. I stood from my seat and looked him right in the eyes. "You left me bruised and battered and then have the nerve to go sleep with another woman. We are done Mike, we're over and I never want to lay eyes on you again.

"Don't you stand there acting hurt after sending your lover to threaten me, two can play this game. "

"What?" I asked as my voice lowered significantly.

"I guess Edward isn't such a woman after all, or maybe you like being the butch one," he spit at me.

"Edward came to threaten you?" I asked for clarification.

"You're my wife and I can love you anyway I want. If he comes near you again, I'll kill him."

I was having a hard time figuring out what was going on. I had no idea why Edward would threaten Mike, especially after kissing me. But regardless, Mike couldn't use Edward as an excuse to be with Jessica. I looked him right in the eye and asked, "How many times have you been with Jessica?"

"It's none of your business, you've been in more or less a trance this past year; what did you expect me to do?"

"I want a divorce," I said clearly. I was going to be that woman after all, but it didn't bother me so much now. Being her was better than living with Mike and letting him paw me however he wanted. "And I'm not leaving, you are. If you don't, I'm calling the police and showing them my body."

"I am not giving you this house," he said with wide eyes.

"I don't want the house, I 'm going to put it up for sale so we can divide the profit."

"No way, I'll buy you out," he quickly added and I noticed how he seemed to fight harder for the house than for me.

"Fine, I'll go to a hotel tonight and find an apartment tomorrow. I'll have my lawyer contact yours."

I got in my car and drove out of the neighborhood, grateful I wouldn't be returning. I felt a new sense of confidence and decided not to think about Edward right now. I didn't have to face my father's judgmental face and I didn't give a damn if he loved me or not. I was free, finally free, from the destructive men in my life.

I bought a bag of M&M's to celebrate my escape and soaked my battered body in a tub as I ate the chocolate. I was smiling, actually smiling when my phone rang. I saw it was Mike and I felt sick inside. "Hello," I said reluctantly.

"You need to stop this and come home," he slurred.

"You're drunk," I said and hoped he would just fall asleep.

"I'm waiting for him to come home, I'm going to beat the shit out of him," he said and burped into the phone.

"No," I yelled at him. "This has nothing to do with Edward or Jessica, this is our problem."

"Come home and I'll leave him alone," he bargained and I began to cry.

"Mike, go to sleep and we'll talk tomorrow, okay. I'm really tired and I want to just sleep. I'll come home tomorrow."

He said a couple of things I couldn't understand and the phone went dead. I wanted to warn Edward but I had no idea how to get hold of him. I finally dressed and drove to the far end of the subdivision and ran through the dark yards to the back of Edward's house.

Mike had left most of the lights on but I couldn't see any movement through the windows. I knocked softly on Edward's window and he turned on his back lights, so I hid by the side of the house. I headed to the front and removed the light bulb before pushing the door bell.

He looked shocked to see me and I instantly pushed my way into the house. "I am so sorry, but I had to warn you," I said in a rushed sentence.

"Who is it?" a woman called out from the hallway and I let my head fall in embarrassment. I never stopped to consider he would be with someone and I instantly wished I would have stayed at the hotel.

"What's going on?" he asked softly.

"God, I'm so embarrassed, but Mike and I are separating and he's drunk and threatening to come over here."

"Did he tell you I spoke with him today?" he asked and looked a bit embarrassed himself.

"Yes, why did you?" I asked and lowered my voice so whoever was waiting for him wouldn't hear.

"He can't do that to you, Bella. You don't treat women you love like that," he put his finger under my chin to lift my face. "You don't deserve it."

I tried to blink back my tears and pointed out the obvious. "I kissed another man," I said quietly.

"I shoulder all the blame for that," he said and smiled down at me.

A beautiful woman with long strawberry hair came around the corner dressed in one of his shirts and narrowed her eyes at me. Edward never took his gaze off of me, but I backed up and cleared my throat. "I just wanted you to know, incase Mike showed up."

"Where are you staying?" he asked and I looked back at the young woman to see her reaction. Edward seemed totally oblivious to her and I wondered why he was being so cold hearted.

"Can you turn off your back lights, so I can get back to my car," I whispered.

He chuckled and took hold of my arm, "Sure, come on."

When we got into the kitchen he picked up and pen and asked me to write down my cell number. I quickly scribbled on a piece of paper and then headed into the dark night. I ran across his yard and into mine, keeping low. Just as I got to the gazebo I saw movement and heard a deep voice say, "Hello, Bella."


	7. Chapter 7

Name: A Healing Heart

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 7

**Twilight Characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

**The story had 60 reviews when it was last published on 6/20/10**

**There is some mild abuse in this story, if that is a trigger for you, you might want to exit now.**

**If you are being abused, please seek help, it is out there for you...life CAN be good.**

* * *

Chapter: 7

I froze to my spot and felt my heart pounding wildly. I wasn't afraid for myself; I guess I still didn't consider Mike dangerous or abusive. I was worried for Edward and the blame Mike would place on him. I walked slowly to the gazebo and looked at my husband's angry face. I noticed the bottle of whiskey in his hand and pages from one of my books ripped up on the ground.

"What are you doing out here?" I asked.

"Shouldn't I be asking you?" he slurred and it comforted me to know I would be able to run from him.

"We no longer have reason to ask each other anything," I pointed out and he laughed mockingly.

"Do you just lay there for him, or do you actually give it a little effort?"

"I've never had sex with Edward," I said adamantly. He was forgetting it was his cheating that was an issue, not mine. "I hope Jessica is giving you the action you want."

"Indeed she is," he said raising the bottle. "I have some cash for you," he said and stood to walk into the house. He swayed and I put my arms out to steady him. "Thanks," he mumbled and leaned on me.

We walked through the back door and he headed to the fridge. He handed me a can of diet Coke and he took another drink of his whiskey. I drank the rest of the can and watched him rustle around in the drawers as he searched for an envelope.

I began to feel a bit dizzy and told him I would come back tomorrow for the cash. I stood to leave and the room began to spin. I looked at Mike's laughing face and grabbed onto furniture as I tried to quickly get out of the house.

"You can't run, Bella," he laughed loudly.

I reached for the door handle and grabbed only air. I was frantically grasping for anything solid but my depth perception was off and my vision was quickly dimming. I could only think of one thing and screamed as loudly as I could, "Edward."

I woke up feeling confused and scared. I looked around at the small holding cage with thick bars and sat up to see I was dressed in orange jail scrubs. I walked over to the bars and looked around for anyone able to help me but the desk at the end of the hallway was empty.

I searched my mind for any memories and couldn't remember a thing after seeing Mike at the gazebo. I wondered if I had hurt him and blocked it from my mind. I sat on the bed for over an hour before a woman in a police uniform approached me. "Well, lady Godiva's awake," she teased.

"Why am I here?" I asked.

"You are not allowed to sleep in front of city hall naked, dear."

"What?" I gasped.

"You'll be arraigned this morning in front of Judge Thompson. He's a bit of a religious fanatic so be respectful," she cautioned.

"Do I get a phone call?" I asked and she opened the cell and nodded toward her desk. I had to search my brain for anyone I trusted enough to call and finally settled on Angela. She answered her cell and when she heard my voice she reacted in shock.

"Bella, what happened, it's all over the news that you were arrested in front of city hall. Reporters are all over Mike's stores."

"Angela, I need a huge favor and you need to keep this totally quiet."

"Sure," she said but I could hear doubt in her voice.

"I need you to contact Edward and ask him to come down here to the jail. Don't let Mike know you spoke to me, okay?"

"Why?" she asked.

"I'll tell you as soon as I'm out of here, just go talk to Edward, okay?"

"Yeah, I will," she promised and I began to cry. "Bella are you okay?"

"No, Angela, I'm not."

I could see now what Mike had planned. He was going to ruin my reputation and promote his own stores in the process. If I threatened to sue him over infidelity he would prove I was crazy, and maybe I was. Maybe losing my son, my last hope for unconditional love, had driven me insane. I could forget about half of the assets and hope to walk away with my sanity.

I cried harder as I hid my face in my pillow. A court appointed lawyer showed up and I was taken into a room with a desk and two chairs. He told me I had made the news because the Newton's were important to the economic stability of the city. I knew it was because Mike had called them.

I wanted this to go away as quickly as possible and he agreed and said I should be out on bond within a couple of hours. At that point a tall man with haunting blue eyes and blonde curls walked into the room and announced he was my legal counsel.

I thought it was another trick by Mike and shook my head with fear. "I've been retained by Mr. Cullen," he said and I instantly fell into tears of relief. The other man left the room and the new guy extended his hand. "I'm Jasper, Alice Cullen is my wife."

"Don't you live in Chicago?" I asked as I shook his hand.

"Yes, luckily we were visiting friends in Portland when Edward called last night."

"I didn't do what they said I did; I mean I did, but…." I finally stopped and took a deep breath. "I drank from a coke can and then everything got fuzzy until I passed out."

"Why would your husband want to publicly humiliate you what would he gain?"

"His family owns Newton Outfitters, I'm sure he doesn't want me getting any part of the family business, but I don't want any of it." I felt sick and my stomach was empty. I leaned my head on the cold table and took some deep breaths.

"Okay, let me get you out of here and then we'll talk," he stood and left the room.

I was taken back to a holding area and brought a cup of coffee. In less than an hour I was walking out the door and placed inside a car with a tiny, spiky haired woman driving. She smiled and spoke with a high melodic voice.

"Hi, I'm Alice. We need to get you some clothes."

"I was staying at the Hilton, I have clothing there," I told her and she turned a corner sharply to head in the opposite direction.

They both followed me into the room and once I was showered and dressed we set around the small table to talk. "I'm really embarrassed, how publicized was it?" I asked and braced myself for what I would hear.

"I'm not too sure; we arrived in town after everything broke. Edward will be able to answer any of your questions. So, you feel you were drugged?" he asked and began taking notes.

"Yes, Mike gave me an opened can of diet coke, as soon as I drank it I got dizzy. I tried to get out of the house but the room began to spin and I blacked out."

"Were you fighting?"

"We had decided to separate. Mike called to say he was going after Edward, he was very drunk, so I went over to your brother's to warn him. Mike was waiting for me in the gazebo and said he had an envelope of cash to give me, so I followed him into the house."

Alice's phone rang and she answered loudly with a smile on her face. She listened without speaking and her eyes flashed over to mine and she stood and left the room. I wasn't stupid, I could tell Edward was giving her some bad news and I was glad she decided to leave the room so I wouldn't have to hear it.

When she returned she told me Edward was on his way over. I looked at Jasper and asked, "How can you be my lawyer if you're practice in Chicago?"

"I'll hire you counsel here and work as co-counsel. It's done all the time."

"What am I being charged with?" I finally asked.

"Public indecency, which is a misdemeanor, so you can either plead guilty and pay a fine or take this to trial," he explained.

"What do you suggest; I just want this to go away?"

He sat and thought for a moment, so Alice spoke up, "Why would you let that ass get away with pushing you down?"

I looked away and refused to tell her I was always being pushed down, I was not a fighter because people who fight have loved ones to bolster them. I knew the day would come when Mike would toss me aside, I just didn't know he would be so heartless about it.

A soft knock was heard on the door and Alice skipped over to answer it. Edward gave her a hug and looked at me with a sad expression. I tried to smile, but his demeanor told me something bad was coming. Alice and Jasper left the room and Edward came over to sit next to me.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yes, just humiliated. I thought he would go after you, I didn't realize he was setting me up," I said with remorse. "I'm so happy he didn't come after you, but I do have a question that must be answered."

"Do you want me to get Jasper?" he asked in confusion and I shook my head and laughed softly.

"No, it is a question only you can answer," I explained. "Did she spend the night?"

Edward smiled and pushed my shoulder as he shook his head, "No, she liked my shirt better than me."

"Darn, I had hope for this one," I teased and he reached over and took both of my hands in his before lowering his head.

"Bella, I have to tell you something and it is going to hurt badly. I am so sorry, love," he said with a pained voice and I felt my chest tighten. I couldn't imagine what could be worse than what I was facing already.

"Just say it," I whispered feeling my body begin to shake.

"Mike emptied the room," he said as he watched my eyes. "He burned it all."

I stared at him as the words slowly settled in my head. He was talking about the nursery, the crib and the dressing table. It was all gone and turned into ash. I finally pictured the rocking chair, the precious place I had said goodbye and watched my son move from this life to the next.

A bizarre sound escaped my mouth and Edward quickly placed his hand on my heart. "Bella, Luke is here, in your heart, not in the furniture. He goes where you go and fire can't take him away from you, Mike can't take him away, he will be with your always."

"What's wrong with me, Edward," I asked him hoping he had the answer I desperately needed.

"Nothing's wrong with you," he said and pulled me to his chest.

I began to cry, hard, loud sobs. The pain I had tried so hard to hide, to bury so deeply nobody would possibly see it, came erupting out of me. I was screaming out for God and for my baby. I tried to push away from Edward, but he tightened his arms and spoke soothing words into my hair.

Jasper and Alice returned with some food and left it on the bed. When I lost all the energy required to continue crying, I collapsed against Edward. He pulled me onto his lap and stood to place me on the bed. I curled into a ball and opened my mouth when he placed the spoon of soup to my lips.

"Edward," I finally whispered with a hoarse voice. "I want to die."

"No, Bella, you mean too much to me, live for me," he answered with his own whisper. "I know how much this hurts and I can't imagine someone doing that to Jane or Alec's room, but I'll be here for you. You can make it though and I'll help you."

"Why are you so nice to me?" I asked.

"I think you are amazing," he said and I closed my eyes so he couldn't see the horrible thing about me that made me a target. Maybe he wouldn't see it until after he found a woman to keep overnight. I would hate to have him see it, and then have to be alone. I wanted him to have a friend, even if it was someone as awful as me.

I finally sat up and ate the soup and sandwich. Just the simple act of eating made me feel better. I began to get angry at Mike for destroying something so important just for revenge. I wondered if there was recourse for what he did and decided to as Jasper about it. I wasn't going to roll over and play dead. I may be unlovable, but I was not unwilling to go after what was mine.

"Can Mike just burn everything, I mean, don't I have rights?" I asked Edward and he moved closer to me.

"Are you joint owners of the house?" he asked and I nodded. "Did you work on the upgrades together?"

"Yes, and the bedroom suite was mine, but I don't want it anymore," I said quickly. Just thinking about the bed made me sick. I suddenly remembered something else, too. "I found Mike with his secretary, she was once a good friend of mine and she has been sleeping with him for a year."

He took a deep breath and gave me a look that told me he had something to say but wasn't sure if he should. "Say it," I encouraged him.

"Is this just some fight and you'll go back to him?"

"I never saw this side of Mike, but now that I have, it is too much to fix. We are absolutely done with no chance of working it out," I said emphatically.

"So what's your plan?" he asked and I smiled.

"I'm getting my own apartment, I'm going back to work, and I'm suing his ass for every penny he has," I announced. "I only wanted my share from the sale of the house, but he chose to make this ugly, so I'm going to give him the fight of his life."

He held his hand up and I smacked it with my own. "You're worth it," he said.

I nodded, and hoped he didn't see the disbelief in my eyes.


	8. Chapter 8

Name: A Healing Heart

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 8

**Twilight Characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

**The story had 60 reviews when it was last published on 6/20/10**

**There is some mild abuse in this story, if that is a trigger for you, you might want to exit now.**

**If you are being abused, please seek help, it is out there for you...life CAN be good.**

* * *

Chapter: 8

I stood in front of my house as two officers knocked on the door. Mike answered in his boxers and t-shirt. His eyes looked shocked and when they settled on mine he sneered at me.

"Mr. Newton, you will need to leave while your wife gathers her things," an officer said.

"Everything in this house is mine," he said and I shook my head.

"Will you dress and come outside while she walks through the house?"

Mike finally nodded and pulled on some sweatpants before joining the policemen on the lawn. Jasper walked with me through all the rooms and every single thing personal of mine was gone. When we got to the nursery I turned my head so I wouldn't have to see the empty room.

I headed to the hall closet and saw all the photo albums were gone. The pictures of my baby and all the scrapbooks I had made for him were missing. I ran from the house and into the yard, "Where are they," I screamed. And officer jumped between me and Mike to stop us from touching each other.

"Did you burn them?" I cried.

He didn't answer and looked away with a smile on his face. "Mike," I called out softly and he turned to stare at me. "Give me the albums and scrapbooks and I'll forget about everything else. I won't ask for a dime."

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said and looked away again.

I turned to Jasper and said, "I want it all, the house, the stores, everything." I turned to Mike and smiled sarcastically, "You wanted to see my emotions you son-of-a-bitch, you better hold on mother fucker."

I climbed in the car and waited for Jasper to join me. I never looked back at Mike and felt a surge of power build up inside of me. He could screw me over and I would take it, but he messed with my baby and that was worth fighting over.

I knew the one person who would tell me everything I needed to know. Jessica couldn't keep her mouth shut about anything and if I led her to believe she had my blessing in her relationship with Mike, she would spill her guts.

I called her and asked her to join me for a girl's night out. She sounded hesitant and I quickly added that I wasn't holding a grudge. I told her Mike and I had Luke to save our marriage and when he died our union died, too. She bought it and agreed to meet with me.

I made sure she drank throughout dinner and then took her to club. She was having a ball and we laughed often, but inside I was livid. She had no idea because my entire life had been one big charade, always holding back my real feelings.

When the night ended I asked her to come see my apartment. I didn't tell her Edward had given me some furniture so I at least had a place to sit, eat, and sleep. We sat on the couch and I opened a box of chocolates to share.

"I bet Mike proposes to you after all our legal stuff is over," I said with a smile.

"I doubt it," she said and looked down.

"No, he seemed really happy about your relationship. I wish he would have just told me instead of pulling the whole ruffie stunt. I would have been happy for you both."

"Really, because I told him not to do it, I mean, you can be arrested over stuff like that," she said as she came alive. "He wasn't worried and I'm sure it was because he knew you would be a good sport about it."

She was such an idiot, who in their right mind would be okay with being drugged and publically humiliated. Not only did Mike know about it, but Jessica knew, too. I swallowed the bile back down and continued on.

"Mike has so many connections, I mean he knows everyone so he can pull jokes like that pretty easily," I said acting unconcerned.

"Yeah, who trades drugs for a tent, I mean you would think they would want cash or something, but I guess money doesn't mean anything to the Quileute's."

Bingo, I had what I needed. "I think Jake would do just about anything for fishing gear," I laughed and she laughed with me.

I was sure Jake had no idea Mike was going to use the drugs on me. We had grown up together and I had introduced him to Mike. Jake's father was one of my father's best friends, he would definitely talk. I felt like I was walking on air when Jessica left and I felt the need to tell someone.

I pulled out the card Jasper gave me with everyone's numbers on it and dialed Edward's. "Are you alone?" I asked.

"Yes, I was working on an arrangement," he answered.

"Oh, I can call back," I said and he quickly asked what I wanted.

"I found out who gave Mike the ruffies, Jessica sang like a bird," I announced.

"Did you tell Jasper?" he asked.

"No, I'm telling you first."

He laughed and yelled out in his house for Jasper to pick up the phone. I gave him all the details along with Jake's number and address. Jasper sounded like it was Christmas and he just received his favorite gift. He loved the fact Mike used company product to bribe Jake and said my name would be on the stores if I kept gathering information like this.

When he hung up Edward stayed on the line. His voice sounded sad and he spoke softly. "I miss our talks," he admitted.

"You can call anytime, just because I'm not in the gazebo doesn't mean I'm not awake."

"Remember the girl in my shirt?" he asked.

"The one I had high hopes for?"

He laughed. "Yeah, she called and asked me to a concert."

"Hmmm, maybe she just wants another shirt," I cautioned.

"Should I go?" he asked and it was my turn to laugh.

"Do you want to go?"

"I don't know, maybe I'm just lonely," he said with a sigh and I felt sad that I was across town from him.

"You don't have to be lonely, you can come over anytime. I promise I'll put my book down," I said to tease him but I soon discovered he wasn't in the mood to tease. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, everything," he said with a sigh.

"I would come over to talk, but I've been drinking. Do you want to come over here?" I asked and was stunned when he agreed.

I knew it would take him half an hour to arrive and that was if there wasn't any traffic. I pulled a blanket from the closet and snuggled up on the couch. The next think I knew the doorbell was ringing. I jumped, startled by the sound and shuffled to the door.

I stepped back and let him inside. He looked me up and down and said, "You look really nice."

"I took Jessica clubbing," I said and felt embarrassed I had left on my short skirt and tight shirt. "Come sit down and tell me what is going on."

We sat on opposite ends of the couch and when I noticed how often his eyes moved to my legs I pulled the blanket back over me. "I've been offered money for Jane's lullaby. I don't know if I should sell it or not. It would bring recognition to her, and possibly shine a light on drunk driving, but it is something so personal, something that belongs to me and her."

"That would be a really hard decision," I said and he let his head fall back on the sofa. "Do you need the money?"

"No," he said and closed his eyes.

"Then don't sell it," I said decisively.

He let his head roll to the side and he smiled widely. "Well, that was easy; I guess I'll be heading home now."

I used my leg to move the blanket over to him and said, "You can stay, I'll even share the blanket."

He took the edge and pulled it over his lap and then took hold of my leg and placed it over him, rubbing my shin softly. "What does your gut tell you?" I asked him.

"I keep vacillating between being professional and looking at it as my job, and being emotional and wanting to keep it forever."

"Why don't you do both, keep it for yourself and write another lullaby?"

"Sure, I'll knock one out tomorrow afternoon," he said and rolled his eyes at me.

"Why are you even asking my opinion, if you're going to be all pissy about it?" I asked and kicked his thigh with my foot.

He growled with frustration and lowered his body on the sofa as he continued to rub my leg. The constant motion of his hand was relaxing my tired body and I began having trouble keeping my eyes open. I was going to shut them, just for a moment, but his fingers lulled me to sleep.

I woke up with my legs across Edward's chest, my skirt above my waist and my mouth against his foot. I felt him stir and I looked down at his beautiful face. I adjusted my skirt and began slowly, methodically untangling myself from him.

I headed to the bathroom to pee and looked at my smudged makeup in the mirror. I took the time to wash my face and changed into jeans and a tee. I walked quietly into the kitchen and decided to make crepes. When the smell made its way through the apartment I heard Edward moan loudly.

"If you have strawberries I'm never leaving," he yelled out and rolled onto his side, not quite ready to wake up.

"Will blueberries work?" I asked.

"Un uh."

"Well, good thing I have strawberries then," I laughed.

I made him a plate and brought it to the couch. He rolled onto his back and I placed it on his chest. "You're an angel," he said and raised his head to cut off a piece and put it in his mouth. I sat on the end of the couch and he raised his feet and placed them in my lap.

We ate quickly and when I was finished I placed my plate on the floor next to the couch and ran my finger up his exposed foot.

"Shit," he yelled and jerked his foot toward his body.

"Are you ticklish?" I laughed.

"No," he said with a frown and slowly put his foot back onto my lap.

I folded my body over his legs to hold them tightly and tickled his foot without mercy. He kicked and yelled and finally got free as I laughed hysterically. He ran his fingers through the strawberry goo on his plate and smiled at me.

"Don't you dare," I threatened.

He moved toward me and I tried to jump up but he was too fast. His free arm wrapped around my waist and he tossed me back onto the couch. I fell to the side and hid my face so he stuck his sticky finger in my ear.

"Ah, gross," I yelled and he ran his finger over my face. "I'm sorry, stop," I screamed.

He backed off and I rolled onto my back. We were both laughing and breathing heavily and it felt great. It had been so long since I laughed this hard. I looked into Edward's eyes and I smiled. "Thank you," I said honestly, "For making me laugh."

"You're beautiful when you laugh," he said and continued to look down at me.

"You don't have to say that," I said and looked away.

"I'm not just saying it, you are a gorgeous woman and I want to beat the shit out of Mike for teaching you otherwise."

I couldn't tell him it wasn't Mike who taught me I wasn't worth love, it happened from the very beginning, when my parents held me in their arms and decided to live without me. Realization sunk into me at that moment. I had pushed Mike away when Luke was born; I wanted my baby to feel loved so completely that I made him my entire life.

But he didn't have long to know and I had to make him see before he left this earth, Mike should have understood, but maybe he didn't and I hurt him by excluding him.

"Hey, what's going through your mind?" Edward asked gaining my attention again.

"I was thinking about Mike," I admitted to Edward's stunned face. "I mean, how he perceived things when Luke was dying, maybe I did push him away."

Edward sat on the edge of the couch and looked at me with a thoughtful expression. "I don't get how Mike could feel pushed away. My children were the reason I breathed and nothing could have kept me from them. If Luke had been my son, I would have camped out at his crib all day and searched for a cure all night."

He was right, Mike never tried to make a connection with his son and blamed me for loving the child too much, but that's what mothers are supposed to do. I wasn't bad for devoting my time to my dying child; Mike was bad for ignoring him. I sat up and gave Edward a strong hug, "Thank you for being my friend."

There was a knock at my door and we both stared at it in surprise. Edward rose to answer as I grabbed a cloth to clean the strawberry mess off of my face and out of my ear. Jasper walked in giving us both an angry stare.

"Is there anything going on between the two of you?" he asked and both Edward and I laughed.

"No," I said and he folded his arms with disbelief. "Edward has a date tonight, and may actually be able to have her sleep over," I teased and raised my eyebrows at Edward.

"I'm no longer your friend," he said and I laughed loudly so he upped the ante. "You have no problems letting men sleep over."

"That's a lie, I've never let a man sleep over," I said angrily and he pointed at himself animatedly.

"You're not a man, you're Edward," I laughed to dismiss him and Jasper laughed loudly at him.

Edward pretended to be offended and quickly began undoing his pants and said, "Jasper can you step outside, I have to show Bella something?"

"I've seen it, dude," Jasper teased, "It's really not that impressive."

Poor Edward and catching it from both sides and couldn't come up with a descent response so he gave up and fell onto the couch to pout. Jasper nodded toward my table and we sat down to talk. He had been working very quickly and had some positive results. He pulled out a fax and began reading.

It was a letter from Mike's attorney. I wasn't sure what everything meant and waited for Jasper to finish reading so he could answer my questions. "Okay," Jasper said looking at me, "Basically he is offering you the house if you leave the family business alone. I spoke with Jake and he is willing to give a statement and testify if you need him. At this point I have left Jessica out of the picture."

"I'm honestly not trying to destroy the family business, but I want the albums and scrapbooks back. If he destroyed them, I will destroy him."

"So what do you want to counter with?" Jasper asked. "I think you should get the house free and clear if you don't take part of the business."

"Okay, if he returns the books, I'll settle for the house. If he doesn't give them up I want the largest store downtown."

Jasper gave me a large smile and nodded in approval. "How employable are you?" he asked and I laughed.

"I have a degree in accounting. I want to take a class and get my CPA. It should take me about a year."

"I'll add spousal support for a year," he said writing in his notebook. He finally turned his attention to Edward and said, "Have you asked her yet?"

"Asked me what?" I said looking between the two of them.

"Do you want to come with me to Chicago?" Edward asked while tying his shoes and not even looking in my direction.


	9. Chapter 9

Name: A Healing Heart

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 9

**Twilight Characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

**The story had 60 reviews when it was last published on 6/20/10**

**There is some mild abuse in this story, if that is a trigger for you, you might want to exit now.**

**If you are being abused, please seek help, it is out there for you...life CAN be good.**

* * *

Chapter: 9

I stared at Edward in shock and wondered why he would invite me to go on a trip with him. He had a date with a beautiful woman who would possibly become his lover. I began to wonder if I was in danger and he was trying to get me away for my safety.

He finally looked over at my stunned face and stood to face me. "We are giving my parents an anniversary party and I don't feel so cut off when you're around. And since you're doing nothing right now, I thought I would ask you."

"I'm getting divorced and fighting the Newton's for their money, what do you mean I'm not doing anything?" I said with a really irritated tone.

"Jasper's doing all the fighting, you're just lying around town naked," he said and I grabbed my shoe off the floor and threw it at him.

Edward ducked and laughed hard. He finally stepped into my bedroom and motioned for me to follow. He shut the door after I entered the room and I felt a bit awkward, even though we slept on the same couch last night.

"My family gets really weird around me, they don't know what to say and it becomes uncomfortable. I thought if you came it would ease the tension, and I would love to show you around Chicago, it would be fun."

"Could Mike use it against me?" I asked and Edward looked a bit hurt.

"Use what?"

"I don't know, Mike will twist it to mean something."

"How can he, you are visiting with your lawyer?" Edward said with a smile and I finally agreed. The thought of getting away sounded great and I had already met Emmet and Rosalie as well as Jasper and Alice. I had never been to Chicago and got excited at the thought of seeing the city with a resident instead of as a tourist. I also had a great idea for a present.

Jasper left to meet with Mike's lawyer and Edward headed home. I treated myself to a shopping spree and purchased some clothes for the trip. I was ready to head home when I got a call from Alice. She wanted to meet me for dinner and I asked her to bring me something I needed for the gift I planned for Edward's parents.

I waited for her as I sipped on a soda and noticed a man staring at me. I felt uncomfortable, refusing to meet his gaze. He finally came toward my table and I felt panic rising in my chest. "Hello," he said and looked me up and down. I opened my mouth to ask him to leave when Alice walked up.

She stared back and forth before sitting across from me. The man continued to stare and I finally said, "Excuse me, we're having dinner."

"Would you like to have a drink with me after dinner?" he asked and Alice gasped loudly.

"She's involved with my brother," Alice said angrily.

"I don't see a ring on her finger," the man pointed out.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I can't have a drink with you, but thank you for asking."

The man walked away and I looked at Alice in shock before laughing. "That was new," I confessed.

"I'll have to tell Edward to buy you a ring," she said looking back at the retreating man.

I wondered at that moment if she seriously thought I was involved with Edward. "Alice, Edward and I are just friends, you know that, right?"

"I know you are getting divorced, but after everything is over don't you think it would work with Edward?" She asked with a sad voice.

I felt tears stinging my eyes and I didn't have a clue how to explain everything to her. I needed Edward more than I could say. I needed his friendship and his understanding. I needed one person on the face of this earth who didn't judge me. I would never be worthy of someone like Edward, I couldn't even keep Mike; a good man would never love me.

"We understand each other's pain, we're friends and nothing more," I said and looked away from her surprised expression. "He has a date tonight and I think this one might work out for him."

"Tanya will not work out," Alice said emphatically as she shook her head back and forth. "She is too much like Victoria and if you are really Edward's friend, you won't encourage that relationship."

"She seemed nice," I said although I had not really even had a conversation with her, but she was pretty and looked great in Edward's shirt.

"Yeah, Lizzy Borden seemed nice, too."

I laughed at her reference and finally asked why she wanted me to meet her for dinner. "I like you," she said with a smile, "I'm happy you're coming to Chicago. We are having a formal party and I wanted to ask if you needed help with a dress."

"How formal?" I asked, wondering what I had gotten myself into.

"Black tie, so a simple black dress would be good. I would go short with your legs and Edward is tall enough to pull off five inch heels."

I laughed and shook my head. "Does he plan on carrying me the entire night?" I laughed at the thought of five inch heels. Maybe Alice could maneuver in shoes like that, but I couldn't.

"I also want to tell you something confidentially," she said and I felt we finally got around to the real purpose for the meeting. She took a drink and let her eyes fall before saying, "You need to help Edward with something while he's home."

"Okay," I said softly, "But just so you know, I won't hide anything or lie to Edward."

She raised her eyes and finally looked at me. "His children are buried in Chicago, but he's never been to their graves."

I swallowed deeply and took a deep breath before trying to speak. "I think I understand why he wants me to come now," I whispered and Alice wiped her tears away.

"We don't know what to say to him, but you two seem to know," she reached over and took hold of my hand as she leaned in. "Consider my brother, Bella. He would be a great catch."

I tried to smile and was so grateful for the waitress coming up to change the subject. I loved being Edward's friend, but I would not consider a relationship with him. The conversation changed to fashion and I enjoyed spending the evening with Alice.

Finding a dress was not as easy as it seemed. I tried on dozens and nothing felt right. I finally decided to wait until I got to Chicago, surely they would have better shops to choose from. I got home late and took a long bath before heading to bed. My phone rang the second I hit the pillow.

"Bella," Edward said with a sight. I looked over at the clock and laughed.

"She didn't even make it past midnight?" I asked.

"What am I doing wrong?" he asked.

"Tell me about the date," I encouraged and planned on being totally honest.

"Okay, we ate dinner on the wharf, watched the concert at the needle park, where we spread out a blanket and I held her…"

"Stop," I called out. "She sat against your chest or lay in your arms?"

"Lay in my arms."

"First mistake," I said and heard him sigh loudly. "Edward, you are a very charming man and easy on the eyes. You can't get her worked up so early in the night."

He laughed loudly and obviously didn't believe me so I spoke louder. "I'm serious, Edward. If she is lying in your arms by nine she will be jumping you by eleven."

"But I want the connection or the feeling of holding someone, I like it, but things just progress too quickly and then it feels cheap."

I couldn't laugh at him anymore. I understood the pain and loneliness he was feeling. It wasn't over his children; it was simply being lonely for someone to love. "I'm sorry," I said softly and he blew out a deep breath.

"Can I come over and sleep with you?" he asked with a terrified voice. He wasn't asking for sex, he wanted comfort and I closed my eyes and imagined being in his arms. He had been alone, not physically, but emotionally since losing his kids and he needed to be held.

"Come over," I said with a smile.

I hung up and changed from my nightgown to some gym shorts and a tank. When I opened the door he glanced at me and quickly looked away so I reached out and took hold of his hand. I led him to my bed and he kicked off his shoes and climbed in.

I snuggled up to him and there wasn't any awkwardness at all. He pulled me tightly to his body and held my head with his hand. "This is perfect," he said.

"You'll find the perfect woman someday, Edward, and have beautiful babies."

"Do you plan on more kids?" he asked.

I was ready to say I couldn't have any more babies but realized that wasn't true anymore. Mike had a vasectomy after we found out Luke's condition was hereditary and we had a twenty three percent change of having another baby with the same condition. But, then I would never marry again so more kids were really a long shot.

"I don't know, I doubt the opportunity will come up again," I said and he gave me an absurd click of his tongue.

"Are you getting the albums back?" he asked with a tired voice.

"We'll see, thank you for sending Jasper. Mike's going to end up paying for his services," I laughed and he chuckled along with me.

"I'm anxious for you to move back home. I miss our visits at the gazebo."

"I missed you, too," I said with a yawn.

"Goodnight, Bella."

"Goodnight, Edward"

I couldn't remember sleeping so good in my entire life.

I woke up to the smell of coffee and cinnamon rolls. I stretched and felt something touched my nose. I opened my eyes to see Edward holding a long stem rose. "Good morning sleepy head," he laughed and handed me a cup of coffee. "I can't make crepes so I had rolls delivered."

"We're going to get fat," I told him and realized I was assuming he would be over often.

"Thank you for letting me come over," he said with a smile and I smiled back at him.

"I had such a great night's sleep," I admitted and he nodded in agreement. "Hey, have you had any encounters with Mike?"

"No, I doubt he will pull anything with Jasper staying at my place. I'm glad will be gone for a few days, I tend to worry about his drinking."

I wondered why I had made excuses for Mike's temper in the past. I always felt his frustration stemmed from being married to me, but maybe he was simply just an ass. My life had been so stress free, aside from the arrest, since leaving Mike.

"What did you decide about the song?" I asked even though it had only been one day.

"I'm going to keep it," he said softly.

"Why don't you make a recording and we'll take it to the cemetery and play it for Jane," I suggested and watched his reaction closely.

He tensed slightly and turned his head away so I sat up fully and pulled his chin around to look at me. I smiled and whispered, "You'll be so glad if you go, their gravestones are monuments to their lives. They deserve to be honored."

"My babies are in the ground," he said in just a whisper.

"No, your babies live on, Edward. The dust that surrounded their souls is in the ground, and that is some pretty special dust."

He leaned his forehead against mine before speaking, "I love you, Bella."

I put my hand on his arm and shook him lightly, "Wake up, Edward, you're dreaming."

He laughed and pulled his head back. "I think I'll head home and make a recording," he said and began putting his shoes on. I didn't ask him if he would return that night, I didn't want it to be a planned thing. He was welcome whenever he felt he needed someone to acknowledge him.

I spent the entire day at the mall, looking for shoes this time and settled on some three inch heels, which would feel like a foot to me. I had my hair touched up and new nails applied before heading back home to pack. My gift wouldn't be ready until the morning of our departure and I began to sweat the close timing.

Jasper called to tell me they were getting closer to a settlement and said he could prove Mike's infidelity beyond just Jessica. I felt naïve and stupid, but there was still that damn voice in my head which told me it was my fault. If I had been a better wife Mike wouldn't have had to stray.

Edward had not come back to sleep at my apartment again, but I spoke with him daily. He seemed excited about showing me around Chicago and had me pick out the places I wanted to see the most. We sat next to each other on the flight and I pulled out a map with several circles marked with where I wanted to go.

"We will take a lake ride on our boat," he told me, "And aside from the anniversary party we will be pretty free."

"What's the one thing you want to show me?" I asked and he smiled seductively so I smacked his arm.

"Jasper said it wasn't that special," I teased and he rolled his eyes. "Come on, tell me the one place you feel is the most important to see."

He looked a little embarrassed and spoke softly as if he didn't want anyone else to hear. I leaned over so I could hear him and he said, "I would like to show you where I grew up and where I went to school, but if we don't have time it's okay."

"Edward," I said and took his hand. "I would love to see all of that. It would be much more important than any of the places I have circled."

He smiled and said, "I would love to see where you grew up, too."

My smile fell and I instantly tried to picture Edward meeting my mother and looking around the back woods town of Forks. He would stick out like a sore thumb and my mom would embarrass me often. I didn't want him to see the abnormalities of my life and make him think differently of me. I liked having a friend and wanted to keep him.

The flight attendant announced we would be landing soon and I began folding my maps back up. Edward dropped the subject and looked over at Alice. "Mom and Rosalie," he said and she shook her head.

"No, Emmett and Rosalie," she said and held up a twenty dollar bill.

We disembarked and gathered our luggage before heading to the front of the terminal. I recognized Rosalie but not the beautiful woman next to her. Edward yelled, "Mom," and turned and held out his hand to Alice. She sneered and gave him the twenty.

Edward took hold of my hand and led me to the two women and introduced me to his mother. She smiled kindly and gave me a tight hug. "Welcome to Chicago and to our home," she said and I felt instantly like part of the family.


	10. Chapter 10

Name: A Healing Heart

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 10

**Twilight Characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

**The story had 60 reviews when it was last published on 6/20/10**

**There is some mild abuse in this story, if that is a trigger for you, you might want to exit now.**

**If you are being abused, please seek help, it is out there for you...life CAN be good.**

* * *

Chapter: 10

I stared out the window of the high rise apartment, which was larger than the home I shared with Mike, at the beautiful city before me. Edward stood next to me and pointed out various landmarks. The large windows made my knees shake when I stood close to them, so I was holding tightly to Edward's waist.

When we turned around the entire family was staring at us. I let my arm drop and I could tell it hurt Edward, so I didn't object when he took my hand in his. Emmett came from a back room and gave us both a hug before picking up our bags.

"Same room or different rooms?" he asked and Edward and I both turned red.

"Um, different, I guess," Edward said and I planned to tell him later I wouldn't care if he came in mine once in a while. I followed Emmett down a long hallway and he sat my suitcase inside a beautiful room with a king size bed.

"Is this okay?" Edward asked and I nodded to the bed.

"It's pretty big for one person, do you want this room?"

"All the rooms have a king size bed," he said quietly. "But if you feel like you might get lost…" He stopped talking and looked around awkwardly.

"So what shall we do first?" I asked to stop the weirdness going on between us.

"We're going to take a boat ride and eat on the water tonight, so let's go see Navy Pier and walk around before dinner."

"I'm game," I said with a smile and he gave me some time to get ready.

We walked around the shops at Navy Pier and Edward purchased something but wouldn't show me what it was. We headed to the boat dock and I gasped when I saw the freaking huge yacht. It was then I met his father. He was a handsome man, impeccably dressed, and very kind. I extended my hand but he pulled me in for a hug instead.

"We are so happy you came with Edward. Anything you need just let us know," he said and I felt my face blush.

We all boarded the boat and Alice began playing music as we headed into open water. I looked at Carlisle and Esme sitting with us and turned to Edward, "Who is driving the boat?"

Just then a man dressed in a white chef's hat came into the room and began setting down plates of food. I leaned back to Edward again and asked, "Exactly what does your father do for a living."

He leaned over to whisper into my ear and said, "He's a drug dealer."

I smacked his arm and he said, "Seriously, he is, he owns Cullen Pharmaceuticals."

Now it all made sense, Edward tastes and style screamed money. No wonder he called his brother-in-law to represent me so quickly, and loaned me the beautiful furniture for my tiny apartment. I was glad I became his friend before I knew about his family wealth. I like Edward for the man he was, not for the money he had.

We ate an amazing dinner and I loved watching his family interact. They were complimentary of each other and the love was palpable. This was the type of family I had always wished I had, but mine was distant and cold.

Edward handed me a sweatshirt and a glass of wine and motioned for me to follow him. We sat on the high deck at the top of the boat and the cool breeze made me shiver. "Is it too cold?" he asked me and I shook my head.

He put his arm around me and pulled me into his warm side. "Tell me if you get too cold," he said softly and rested his mouth on my head.

I looked at the lights along the shoreline and then up at the stars. "Do you think it looks this pretty from heaven?" I asked rhetorically.

"I hope so," he said with a melancholy voice.

I turned to look at him and I couldn't decipher his expression. "Are you okay?" I asked him.

He moved a strand of my hair behind my ear and nodded without speaking. He looked into my eyes and smiled softly. "I'm trying to find the courage to kiss you," he finally admitted.

My body began to go numb. I wasn't sure what I would do if he did kiss me. It was so romantic, sitting under the stars with the beautiful city all alight. But he was my only friend and I needed him so badly. What if we messed this up and I lost him or worse yet, what if he found out how unlovable I was?

"Edward," I said sadly. "You don't want to kiss me."

"I really, really do," he said and I felt tears begin to fall. He used one finger to brush my tears away and when he leaned in for a kiss I moved back.

"I'm too afraid," I said.

"I know," he said to surprise me and leaned in again.

My heart was pounding wildly and I was sure he could hear it. This wasn't like the time a boy at school asked me to wait after class and kissed me harshly before running away. It wasn't like dating Ben, who only wanted to make out and get me to have sex with him. This was nothing like Mike, who wanted to impress me by how far he could stick his tongue down my throat and how roughly he could kiss. This was sweet Edward, wanting to kiss me sweetly and I was terrified.

His mouth gently touched mine and I could taste the wine on his lips. I didn't mean to sigh but it came out of me as I began to kiss him back. His arms pulled me closer and my own arms rose to wrap around him.

"Shit," he screamed and jumped up and away from me. I forgot about the glass of wine in my hand and had dumped it all down his back.

"I'm sorry," I cried, knowing all along I would mess it up.

He pulled his shirt off and cringed from the cold on his back. I used his shirt to wipe off the wine and pulled off the sweatshirt he had given me and offered it to him. "You'll be too cold," he said.

"I'm fine, you have to put something on," I said and pushed the sweatshirt toward him again.

"Okay, I'll put this on and then I'll have to keep you warm," he said with a smile and took it from my hand.

"What's going on, Edward?" I asked and he gave me a hurt expression. I wasn't sure if he felt like he had to be with me this week or if he just wanted someone in his bed.

"Nothing, I was kidding. Come on, let's go back inside," he said and took my hand.

We found the others and they all gave us a hopeful glance but could tell by our awkwardness things did not go well. I wanted to be off the boat and able to hide behind a book. Edward acted like he would rather be with one of his many admirers than stuck here with me.

To make matters worse, we both began drinking heavily. By the time we returned to the dock neither one of us could walk without assistance. Rosalie helped me into bed and I felt awful for giving the family such a bad impression.

"Rosalie," I called out, "I'm really sorry."

She came over and sat on the edge of the bed. "Bella, I know you're not in a good place right now, but neither is Edward. For some reason you both seem better when you are together. I think you should consider him."

I had a really hard time following her comment. She was talking about Edward and his place, but it wasn't making sense. It was the last thing I remembered.

Alice woke me the following morning and offered to help me find a dress. When I got out of bed I felt something poking out from under the pillow. It was a small water globe of the city. I knew Edward bought it at Navy Pier and I held it to my lips. Some lucky woman was going to win his heart and I envied her.

Alice and I set out early and shopped the entire day. She was relentless in her quest for the right fit and I was growing tired of trying on dresses. We finally settled on a tight black dress with a bit of spandex so I felt I could be comfortable through the night. I spent extra time on my hair and makeup and grabbed my gift before looking for Edward.

He came into view wearing a tux and my heart became stuck in my throat. He was such a beautiful man and I truly hoped he found a wonderful woman to fill his life with children. He smiled at me but kept his distance. "You look very pretty, Bella."

"Thank you, you look very handsome," I offered back.

Esme came out dressed in a coral gown and looked stunning. She smiled when Edward whistled at her and grabbed some tissue for her handbag. Carlisle came out and held a small wrapped box to hand to Esme. She opened them to find coal earrings surrounded by diamonds. They kissed tenderly and I watched in fascination. I had never witnessed a love like theirs and wondered if Edward would ever find anything similar.

We all got in a limo and drove downtown to a rented theatre. Food and drinks were plentiful and beautiful music played throughout the night. The place was packed and every floor held more people wishing the couple well.

Edward and I both seemed to be avoiding each other throughout the night and I finally found a place to sit in a remote corner. I leaned my head against the wall and worried I had ruined his entire trip. The time came when everyone was called into the stage area.

Carlisle and Esme stood next to their children as a video of their lives were shown. Not one picture of Edward's children was in the video and it broke my heart. When the montage finished Emmett took the mic and announced they were sending their parents on a diving trip to the great coral reefs of Australia and the room erupted into applause. He handed them a wrapped box which held masks and flippers and everyone laughed.

I wanted to yell out when Emmett picked up my gift and handed it to them. I never thought it would be opened in front of everyone and my knees were shaking badly. They pulled off the wrapping and I watched as Esme took my note off the glass of the frame and read_; To loving Parents and Grandparents, may you always feel them in your heart, just as Edward does._

I had taken one of his pictures I loved of Edward with his arms over the back of a couch and his children tucked into his sides, and sent it to a friend who paints. He painted the exact picture except the kids were opaque and appeared ethereal in Edward's arms.

Esme and Carlisle looked stunned and when Edward looked at the painting his smile dropped immediately. I wanted to run and hide. I planned on taking the first flight back to Seattle and try to find a way to apologize. I was making my way out of the theater when I heard Edward speak over the microphone. "Bella, stop, please."

I turned to see all eyes were on me and I burst into tears. I had meant to do something nice and show the Cullens how Edward felt. His children were always with him and just because they couldn't be clearly seen, they could be clearly felt.

As Edward made his way down to me Carlisle spoke into the microphone. "Thank you, Bella. This was the greatest gift we have ever received," he said with tears in his voice. He held the painting for others to look at and mumbling could be heard throughout the room.

Edward took my elbow and escorted me out into the lobby before pulling me into his arms and kissing me so passionately I felt like I was being consumed by him. I finally became aware we were heading out the door as we kissed. He pulled away just long enough to hail a cab, but once we were inside he began kissing me again.

He wasn't slow and hesitant, wanting me to join him in his pain, he was escalating the emotion quickly and I wasn't sure we would make it home fully clothed.

I became aware of the front door slamming behind us and finally pushed him back so I could think clearly.

"Edward," I said in panted breaths. "We need to talk about this."

"Fine, I want you Bella, and not just in my bed. I have wanted you since the day we met and I have used more restraint than you can imagine letting you work out things for yourself. I can't wait anymore because having you in my home, just down the hall, doing amazing things for my family, is too much."

"Edward," I said in a panic, "You don't really even know me that well…I"

"Shut up Bella," he said with a smile and I smiled back at him. "I know you better than you realize and I'm going to make you finally know yourself."

I let my head lower, not wanting him to be able to read my eyes. I knew myself very well, and I also knew there was nothing for him to love, he just didn't know it yet. He stepped up against me and held me tightly. "I know what you want, Bella. Let me give it to you, please."

I looked into his eyes which were dark with passion and felt my body relax against his. His fingers moved to my zipper and pulled it down the length of my body. I pushed off his jacket, letting it fall to the floor and removed his bow tie.

He pulled my dress slowly off my shoulders and inhaled sharply at the sight of my black lace. I felt pretty, and sexy, and wondered if it was the alcohol or the man appreciating my body for the first time. He took hold of my shoulders and pushed me back a step to look into my eyes.

"Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?" he whispered and I closed my eyes. I didn't want him to lie to me, not now. He picked me up and carried me to his room and onto his bed. I expected him to begin touching me and telling me how much he needed me, but he didn't. He only smiled and held my hands in his.

I began to fully relax and it felt so natural to be here with him. He kissed my fingers and finally spoke. "The painting was amazing," he said and my smile widened.

"I had one made for you, too. It's at my apartment, I was going to surprise you, but I just blew it," I laughed.

"Thank you," he said and leaned in for a kiss. My hands were still being held in his so I let my leg wrap around him. I pulled him closer and he rolled onto me. His kisses were so amazing, he was not rushed or making his desires take precedent over mine. We moved together and kept pace with each other.

The tension was building and our breathing was loud and full of gasps and moans. I had his now nude body against mine when he whispered, "Are you still on the pill?"

"No, I've never been on the pill," I whispered back letting him know he would need a condom.

His body tensed and he pulled back to look into my eyes. "Were you and Mike trying for a baby?"

"No," I gasped loudly. "We would have another child with the same problems, so Mike had a vasectomy."

His eyes began darting around and he looked like he wanted to scream expletives. "You've got to be kidding me," I said in frustration.

"I didn't think I would need them," he said remorsefully.

We both froze into a stunned silence and he finally fell onto his back. I leaned on my elbow to look into his eyes. "Edward, I can do things for you, if you want," I said feeling like I owed him something.

He reached out and pushed my hair out of my face and shook his head lightly. "No, Bella, I don't want that. I wanted to love you."

I put my face on his chest and he pulled me into his arms. I hoped he couldn't feel my tears falling onto his flesh but he kissed my head and whispered, "Don't cry, please. I never wanted to cause you tears in my bed."

"I'm crying because you are being so sweet and it amazes me. But I better go get our clothes out of the way of the front door," I said with a smile.

"My parents are staying at a hotel tonight, we're here alone," he said and I tightened my hold on him.

"Do you want me to go back to my own bed?" I asked.

"No, I want you to stay," he said quietly and then added a line so softly I wasn't sure if I heard him correctly. "I want to ask you to have my baby."


	11. Chapter 11

Name: A Healing Heart

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 11

**Twilight Characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

**The story had 60 reviews when it was last published on 6/20/10**

**There is some mild abuse in this story, if that is a trigger for you, you might want to exit now.**

**If you are being abused, please seek help, it is out there for you...life CAN be good.**

* * *

Chapter: 11

I thought it was odd Mike wanted to marry me; I found it incredible he wanted me to be the mother of his children, but it made sense when he was sleeping with other women and drugged me. Edward's friendship was a bond we shared through a common pain, his willingness to kiss me was the loneliness he felt in his life, but wanting to share a child with me was the same as believing in aliens. My children couldn't breathe and returned to heaven since I couldn't save them.

I pulled from his arms and walked from the room. My body was fighting itself in a war. My heart loved the idea of another baby to hold and kiss and love completely. But my head couldn't even pretend to be willing to go into that pain again.

I was crying when I reached to door to my room and Edward quickly grabbed onto my arm. "Bella, let me explain, don't run from me, please."

"How do you explain what you just said? Why would you try to hurt me so badly?" I sobbed.

"Because I want children Bella, but the thought scares me, no, that's not the word…terrified, it terrifies me to think of losing another child. You understand the fear and I can't think of a better mother on the face of the earth. If you want me to marry you I will, if you want to be neighbors and parent together, I'll do that, too. I turn thirty on my next birthday and I want more children."

"No, Edward," I yelled. "You know nothing about me. My own parents kept me out of obligation. I'm not…" I couldn't finish because I didn't have the words to tell him he needed someone wonderful to share his babies with, not me.

I was so frustrated and I felt tired of trying to be something, somebody, somewhere, but I was nothing, nobody, and nowhere. A child would deserve so much more than me for a mother, especially his child. I couldn't explain concepts to him that were unexplainable.

"You're wrong," he said with a soft voice which sounded so soothing.

"I'm not wrong," I said and held out my arms to show him my veins. "It isn't something tangible; it's in my DNA, in my blood. My blood poisoned my baby and every time my heart pumps blood through my veins it reminds me I'm worthless and nothing. Don't act all sweet and think it changes anything, it only hurts more."

"My God, who did this to you?" he said as his own tears filled his eyes.

"Was I wrong for wanting him to say it, just one time, tell his daughter he loved her or she was good? He should have hit me, so I could point at that action to prove he was wrong. Instead he ignored me and killed a part of me, never feeling safe enough to share my real emotions."

"I'm here to tell you how wonderful you are, and how much I love you. I know you are good, because I saw Luke's room and I felt the love in there. You have done amazing things for me, to help me deal with my emotions, so there is nothing dead inside of you. You are alive and thank God I found you."

I shook my head as he took a step toward me, but he kept coming. He pulled me into his arms and spoke into my ear. "Let me show you love, Bella. You want it so badly; let me show you it can be yours."

I cried in his arms as I felt my own circle his body. He kissed my neck and spoke again, "Do you like this, Bella, do you like my kisses on your neck?"

"Yes," I moaned and he kissed his way to my mouth.

"And this," he said against my lips.

"Yes."

He spent the entire next hour working his way slowly around my body, asking me what I liked and what I wanted from him. I felt like I had total control of what we experienced and how far I thought we should go. I stared into his eyes when we finally connected as lovers and watched his mouth form the words. "Can you feel my love, Bella?"

My mouth opened but I couldn't speak. My head fell back and I tried so hard to contain my responses, but this was so new and I couldn't tell where I stopped and he started. Nobody had ever treated my body the way he did and when I felt him ready to explode he was not shutting his eyes and imagining other things. He was looking and me and breathing with me, and finally fell over the edge along with me.

"Edward," I screamed as I felt like I was falling into a deep abyss and needed him to save me.

He yelled out several unintelligible words as he clung to me, and we didn't worry about condoms or possible mistakes. If this action resulted in a child, it would be a child conceived in love. I wanted to say something wonderful to let him know the pleasure he brought to me. My brain couldn't think of one thing so I incoherently mumbled, "I love your penis."

He raised his head and laughed as my entire body turned bright red. I hid my face in my hands and wanted to disappear into a hole. "I didn't mean it like that, I meant you were so tender and…"

"No, don't take it back," he teased, "I'm going to call everyone I know, starting with Emmett."

"This is humiliating," I moaned and he pulled me in for a deep kiss to remove the uncomfortable feeling.

We slept tangled into each other's arms and I was sure the entire night was a dream. I felt special for one night, and tried not to think about the day he would look at me the same way Mike did, like I was an inconvenience in his life. For now he felt I was good enough to mother his child, I would hope he wouldn't find out the truth just yet.

I woke up with a start when the bedroom door slammed loudly. I jumped and Edward groaned in annoyance. "I'm telling mom," Emmett said with a loud laugh. I quickly made sure no exposed parts were giving Emmett a free ogle.

"Get out," Edward said and turned his back to the door as he sunk lower into the covers.

"We're all going to breakfast, get your ass out of bed," Emmett said and tugged on our blanket.

"Fine, leave the room and we'll get up," Edward bargained.

Emmett left the room and yelled loudly, "Edward and Bella are procreating."

His words made us pause and we looked at each other realizing the chance we took last night and feeling the weight of our decision. We didn't talk it over and make an educated judgment, we got caught up in the moment and it could possibly have huge consequences.

"I don't care," he said to my contemplative face and my eyes looked away. "Hey," he called and I sat up and held my hand out for his. I pulled him out of bed and finally asked the hard question.

"How do I get to my room without flashing Emmett?"

Edward handed me his shirt and I quickly put it on. "Much better than Tanya," he said with a smile and I rolled my eyes at him. I made the run to my room and took a quick shower before dressing for the day. I walked into the family room to find Alice and Jasper there, too.

Alice jumped up to hug me as if I had accomplished something very difficult by sleeping with her brother. Rosalie said I looked well rested and she found that disappointing. When we headed out to eat Edward placed his arm around me and had a hard time keeping his eyes off of me, too.

I noticed it because it was so different for me. He found ways to touch me often and when I would take his hand or touch his leg he would smile and say, "Thank you." He was never so caught up in conversation that my touch was ignored or unnoticed.

When we sat down Jasper handed me a small folder. I opened it to find Mike's final offer. He would be out of the house by the end of the month and all the albums would be returned to the hall closet. I knew I should be happy, but I was now Bella Swan again. I was divorced, unemployed, and possibly even pregnant.

I could imagine what my father would say.

"We should celebrate," Edward said softly and I nodded without looking at him. He leaned in close so the others couldn't hear and whispered, "Life gets good from this point forward."

I wanted to believe him so badly. I wanted to believe that my life stuttered in the beginning, but I was now on track and it was smooth sailing from this point forward. But I had some things I needed to face. I had to go to Forks and tell my mother about the divorce. I wondered if I would be strong enough to take Edward with me.

When we all went our separate ways Edward asked me what I wanted to do first today. I took his hand and kissed his cheek before saying, "I want to see where Alec and Jane are buried."

He tensed and looked into the sky before giving me a quick nod. "Let's get some flowers to take with us, some Gerber daisy's in blue and pink," I suggested and he actually smiled.

We spent a lot of time picking out the perfect arrangement and I began to wonder if he was stalling. I decided to talk about it at length before making him face the heartache. I led us to a bench and sat down.

"Did you order the headstones or did someone else?" I asked.

"I did. I picked a large storybook with their names engraved on the pages. I considered an angel, but at the time I was too upset to think of my children as angels."

"Did Victoria come to the funerals?"

"No, she was in the hospital," he said and I could tell his chin was starting to shake.

"Have you spoken to her about the accident?"

He shook his head and took a deep breath so I sat the flowers down and picked up his hand. "Bella, the hardest part for me is knowing fifteen minutes would have changed everything. Why didn't I leave the house earlier, or drive a different route? My babies are dead because of fifteen minutes."

I hugged him tightly and asked, "Do you remember your last words to them?"

His tears flowed freely now and he shook his head up and down. I stood and pulled him up with me. "Let's go see the storybook and you can tell me all about them."

He picked up the flowers and hailed a cab. We didn't talk the whole way to the cemetery and walked stoically toward the burial site. He sat the flowers by the large headstone and I stood behind him with my arms holding him tightly.

"Hi, my babies," he said softly and broke into sobs. "It took Daddy a long time, but I came."

I let my hands gently rub his chest.

"Jane, I bought you another holiday Barbie. I placed her on the shelf next to the others. She has on a pink gown so I knew you would like it. Alec, I'm so sorry buddy for not getting you the cell phone. I should have," he broke down and couldn't continue.

"He wanted a cell phone?" I asked and Edward turned around in my arms to face me.

"If Victoria was drinking he wanted to have a way to call me. I told him I would get him a cell phone, I just didn't do it soon enough. I never thought she would put them in a car."

"Was he like you?" I asked and Edward smiled.

"No, he was so great. He didn't worry and brood like I do. He loved everyone and everything. He was so patient with Jane. She was dreamy and never paid attention to anything, so he looked out for her and made decisions for her."

"He sounds exactly like you," I said softly.

"One night he came into my room and asked if I was going to get him a new mother. I asked him if he felt I wasn't doing a good enough job and his eyes got big and he said, 'You're a great mom, dad.'"

Edward and I both laughed and he turned back to the headstone and said, "Kids, this is Bella. I wish you could have known her because she makes me very happy."

"I would have loved to have known you," I added.

"I need your help," he continued looking at the ground. "I need you to help me convince Bella she is the best woman I have ever known. She's amazing, she just doesn't know it."

"Edward," I said and let my arms drop from his waist. His words made me uncomfortable but he continued talking.

"Alec, you always looked after Jane and I need a favor buddy, I need you to look after Luke, too. He needs a big brother to make sure he is happy, so Bella won't worry about him."

My hand had made it to my mouth and I held it tightly to control my cries. I never believed my father would be watching out for Luke, but I did trust Edward to see that he was looked after. Our children were joining forces and becoming a family, and maybe Edward and I would be able to do that, too.

I let my head lean against Edward's back and I closed my eyes and took a huge leap of faith. I knew there was a possibility I was offering my fragile heart only to be rejected again, but I offered it anyway.

I could hear his heart beating against my ear and he pulled my hands from around his waist and held them in his own. I said it several times in my head before saying it out loud.

"Edward Cullen, I love you." I shut my eyes tightly and braced myself for his reaction. He began to cry loudly as his chin fell to his chest and I wasn't sure what it meant. I held perfectly still and he turned once more to face me.

I wiped his tears with my fingers and he leaned his forehead against mine. "Bella, you said it, and you said it in front of my kids. I love you, too. I have loved you for a very long time and I wasn't sure you would ever love me back."

"I don't deserve you," I told him honestly.

"I know, you deserve someone so much better," he said before kissing me deeply.

We spent the rest of the morning sitting next to the concrete storybook. He told me every detail he could remember about his children's birth, their growth, and their development. Alec spoke earlier than Jane, but she walked earlier. Edward never spanked his kids but he used time outs often and demanded they show respect to each other and their parents.

He was generous with Victoria and let her spend time with the kids, as long as she didn't drink or put them in a car. When Alec got old enough to tell Edward if she drank, her visitation would be cut back. I finally asked him why he had them buried in Chicago and he told me his plot was next to theirs.

I didn't want to think about Edward dying, he seemed to like me, and for now I loved him for it.


	12. Chapter 12

Name: A Healing Heart

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 12

**Twilight Characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

**The story had 60 reviews when it was last published on 6/20/10**

**There is some mild abuse in this story, if that is a trigger for you, you might want to exit now.**

**If you are being abused, please seek help, it is out there for you...life CAN be good.**

* * *

Chapter: 12

When we arrived back to the high rise Carlisle and Esme were there. The first thing they did was separate me and Edward. Carlisle wanted Edward to go with him to pick out a new wine for the evening and Esme asked me to help her clean some new wine glasses they had been given as a gift.

She washed the crystal and handed them to me to dry. I could tell something was on her mind and waited patiently for her to start the conversation. It only took her a few moments.

"Bella, I would like to talk to you about something," she said with a gentle voice and I braced myself. "Edward is…kind. He only sees the good in people and sometimes it makes him a target."

Rosalie walked in at that moment and I was just about ready to cry. Of course she would want someone better for her son. She felt I was targeting Edward, playing on his emotions to get into a relationship with him. I didn't fit in here. I had no idea if the crystal was Lenox or from Walmart. I looked at Rosalie's hands as well as Esme's and pulled mine under the counter so they couldn't be seen. My manicure was old and chipped; theirs were perfect.

"Excuse me," I said and bolted from the room. As I passed the doorway I saw the picture I had given them lying against the wall. I suddenly noticed all the art work in the house was expensive modern pieces. They didn't have any photographs up. I gave them something useless and they were going to have to pretend to like it, hurting Edward even more.

I rushed to my room and quickly threw everything into my mismatched bags. I snuck out of the house quietly and took a cab to the airport. I paid to have my ticket changed and headed home. I cried on the flight as I huddled toward the window staring out at nothing. It was exactly how I felt, like nothing.

I couldn't stand being in the apartment alone, so I packed a small bag and went the only place I would be welcomed…somewhat. I went to see my mother. I was stunned to find the house packed up with boxes, ready to move. My mom walked down the stairs and said, "Hi, Bella," as if she had seen me only moments ago.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"I'm moving to Arizona," she announced.

"What," I gasped. My mother was moving far away and never felt the need to tell me. I stood gawking at her and she finally set down the box she was holding.

"I don't like the rain, and with your dad passing, I have nothing keeping me here."

Nothing….again.

"Mike and I are getting a divorce," I said with a shaky voice.

"Really, did you find out about his relationship with Jessica?" she said as if talking about a movie from Netflix.

I felt like a weight was sitting on my chest and I was being crushed. My own mother knew about my husband's affair and never said a word to me. I swallowed the bile back down and continued on. "Mike drugged me; did you hear I was arrested?"

"Oh that, everyone drinks too much at one time or another," she said and went back to her packing.

"No mother, I didn't drink too much. My husband drugged me and placed me there to humiliate me."

"You have a great figure, why would you be humiliated?"

I chuckled in total despair. I looked around the house which was nothing more than shelter during my youth. It wasn't a home; a home is where you are loved. This was a house to keep me out of the elements, that's all.

She headed back upstairs and I got back in my car. I was alone in the world, totally and completely alone. I stopped at the gas station to fill up before leaving. I was inside getting a bottle of water when Ben and Lauren walked in. I lowered my head and walked to the counter.

"Hey, Bella, nice to see you decided to wear clothing," he laughed loudly.

Memories of him kissing me and pulling on my clothes in high school flooded my mind and I asked the clerk to please hurry with my total. Lauren stood in front of the door and I had to walk right past her. "Loser," she said quietly as I walked by and I stumbled over the fold in the rubber mat, sending them both into hysterics.

I drove out of town, not back toward the city, but toward La Push. I pulled off the road near some steep cliffs and walked over to stare down at the treacherous sea. It would be so easy to end the pain. One step and the pain of breathing would be gone. My heart wouldn't hurt anymore for my baby, and now for Edward.

I heard the crack of leaves behind me and spun around to see Jake walking slowly in my direction. I tried to smile at him, but he was just another reminder. I turned back toward the drop and he spoke softly. "Hey, look at me."

I shook my head and he spoke more forcefully, "I'll go in after you."

"Jake, go home," I begged.

"Not a chance."

I finally turned back to see him closer than I expected. He wouldn't understand. He had connections to this place that went back generations. He had friends, and women fighting over him. I shut my eyes and felt his quick arms pull me away from the edge. I began to cry and held onto his shirt with all my might.

"Do you miss your father?" he asked confusing my emotion for a daughters love. I wanted to say, yes, I had missed my father every single day of my life. I searched for his love, in all the wrong places, until I realized it didn't exist anywhere.

"I have to go," I said and pulled away. He followed me to my car and leaned in to the window to speak but I held up my hand to stop him.

"Jake, I'm fine, I'm going home."

"If you ever need a friend, I'm here," he said and held my cheek softly in the palm of his hand.

"Thanks, it really does help," I told him. But my heart was missing the friend I really needed. The one I had fallen in love with, but ran to spare him. I drove back to the city, grateful to never have a reason to return to Forks again. I walked into the small, dark apartment and stood still as I listened for any noise I could concentrate on.

When a knock came to the door I spun around to stare at it as my heartbeat drummed in my chest. I couldn't handle seeing Edward right now, it wouldn't soothe me or give me a needed boost. It would plummet me into complete defeat.

"Bella," I heard a high voice call out to me. "I saw you come home."

I reached out for the knob and opened the door to reveal Alice staring at me with wet eyes. She dove at me, pulling me into her arms and holding me tightly. "Why did you do this? Do you have any idea how worried we were when you left without a word? Don't you ever jump off a cliff."

I pulled back in shock and watched as she wiped her eyes and looked at me. "Jake called Jasper." I continued to stare and she added, "Remember Jasper, your lawyer?"

Yes, that was why she was here, I had legal matters to clear up and keeping contact with my lawyer would be vital. I nodded for her to sit and whisper, "I wasn't going to jump."

"I think you already did," she said as she stared at the condition I was in. "Why did you leave Chicago without Edward?"

"You're mother asked me to," I admitted without looking at her face.

"Do you even speak English," she said harshly. "My mother adores you, and thinks you are the best thing to ever happen to Edward."

I shook my head vehemently. Alice did not hear the conversation I had with Esme. "She told me Edward is kind and it makes him an easy target."

"Yes, it does, and we are happy he found you instead of someone like Tanya. I told you before she is not good for him."

"Alice, I need him as a friend…"

"No, you don't," she said with force. "I'm your friend, Bella. You need so much more from Edward."

"Why are you here?" I finally asked her.

"To save your ass from Jasper," she laughed. "He is ready to filet you. The Cullens are kind, Whitlocks not so much."

I smiled and she beamed at me. I finally decided to ask her about Edward, my heart ached at the thought, but I forced myself. "Does Edward hate me?"

She took a deep breath and shook her head slightly. "Edward doesn't hate, he only hurts."

Her words resonated with me and put voice to what I had always felt. I never hated the people who treated me so badly; I only hurt because of them. Now I was doing the same thing to someone who didn't deserve it.

"Is he in town?" I asked softly.

"Not yet, want me to call him?" she offered.

"No, I'll do it."

It was the first thing I did when she left, but Edward didn't answer. My next call was to Jasper and asked him what he needed me to do. He set up a court date to file my divorce papers and ask for the misdemeanor charge to be dropped. Then he gave me the best news, Mike was out of the house and he would pick up the keys the next day. He suggested I change the locks and I assured him he wouldn't have to ask twice.

I decided to shop for some new bedroom furniture. I would never sleep in my old bed again, knowing Mike had been there. I picked out the perfect suite and made arrangements to have it delivered after all the locks had been replaced.

The next day I pulled my car into the garage and waited on the front step to meet with Jasper. He pulled up and I was happy to see Alice with him. "You're not staying at Edwards?" I asked them.

"No, this is on Mike's dime, we're staying at the Four Seasons," Jasper said with a chuckle. He handed me the keys and noticed my hands shaking, so he used them to open the front door. We all walked in quietly and I wasn't sure what to expect. The rooms were basically empty and Jasper sighed in anger.

"Furnish the place and give me the receipts, it will be on Mike, too."

I headed upstairs to the closet and when I passed the nursery I saw my mural had been painted over. I prayed the pictures of the room in the albums remained intact. I opened the closet to find the books sitting on the shelves. I opened them quickly and began to cry when I saw they had been spared.

"May I see a picture of your son?" Alice asked and I handed her one of the books. She made her way slowly through the pictures and smiled at me. "He's beautiful."

My eyes filled with tears of joy and friendship and I hugged her tightly. "Thank you," I said with all my heart.

"Jasper and I are expecting," she said softly and my eyes closed with gratitude. I hoped being an uncle would help ease some of Edward's pain.

"I am so happy for you, it is the most amazing thing in the world," I said and prayed she would never have to place her baby in a box in the ground.

They left me to look around the house by myself and we made plans to meet up and shop for furniture later in the afternoon. I took the stack of books and walked into the nursery. The walls were stark white and the furniture was gone forever. I sat against the wall and opened the first album.

My son, so tiny, and so beautiful. I ran my finger down the image of his face and could recall perfectly what it felt like. The war his body was raging inside never showed for the first few months. It was impossible to believe what the doctors were telling me. By the seventh month he was frail and his skin had an odd color. His skeletal chest would heave as his static lungs tried to expand with air. But to me, he was still beautiful.

"Luke," I said softly, "Alec and Jane are your friends, trust them."

"Can you take the advice you give?" a voice said to me from the doorway. I looked up to see Edward leaning against the frame with both hands in his pockets. He didn't look angry, but disappointment was evident on his face.

"I misunderstood," I said and he came closer. "I thought your mother was telling me to leave you alone."

He sat next to me, leaning against the wall and asked, "Why would anyone tell you to leave someone alone?"

"If you love me…."

"Not, if, I do."

"Then you are the only person on earth who does," I said and looked at the album in my hands. I stared at the picture of my smiling face looking down at Luke.

"Were you really going to jump?" he asked and reached over to take my hand.

"I don't know," I answered honestly.

"Bella," he said in just a whisper. "It would kill me to lose you. Do you hear what I'm saying? I could not continue to breathe if you leave this earth."

"I don't know how to let your words sink in," I cried. "It doesn't make sense for you to love me."

"I'll tell you everyday until it does, okay."

I sighed and looked around the empty room. "The house is empty," I said stating the obvious.

"So are my arms," he smiled.

I set the album from my lap onto the carpet and moved over to straddle Edward. I notice how he pulled me to him softly and simply held me in his arms. "Ah…this was what I needed," he said and I murmured in agreement.

The room began to fill with love again. It had been gone for so long, but it was back. I tightened my hold on him and whispered, "I love you, Edward."

"I feel it," he said with emotion in his voice. "Can you feel my love for you? I love you, so much."

"I'm starting to feel it," I said with tears.

"It's a start," he said and rocked me in his arms.


	13. Chapter 13

Name: A Healing Heart

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 13

**Twilight Characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

**The story had 60 reviews when it was last published on 6/20/10**

**There is some mild abuse in this story, if that is a trigger for you, you might want to exit now.**

**If you are being abused, please seek help, it is out there for you...life CAN be good.**

**_Sandi said this when she posted this story last year: I want to thank you all for reading and commenting. This story is painfully real for me so I load the chapters and disappear. I read the comments and appreciate them; it is just really hard to respond._**

* * *

Chapter: 13

I went with Alice to purchase some furniture and planned on staying the night at my apartment. When she dropped me off at my house to get my car, I noticed a familiar car at Edward's. It was Tanya's convertible and I felt instantly sick inside.

I didn't think Edward would actually cheat on me, I just felt she would be able to steal him away. She was beautiful and obviously wanted him more than he thought. I got in my car but Alice refused to move from behind my vehicle. She marched up to my window and said, "You are not leaving him to fend for himself. Get over there and claim him."

"He may want her, and I won't interfere," I admitted, actually too afraid to compete head on with someone like Tanya.

"Oh, my God," she said angrily. "I am going to end up smacking you one of these days." She reached in and turned off my car before removing the keys.

"Hey," I yelled and tried to grab them from her hand. "Give those back."

"Not until you go get my brother and take him with you to love him up," she said and folded her arms tightly.

I looked over at the house in dread and wanted to believe so badly Edward was being held prisoner and needed me to rescue him. I walked slowly over to his house and rang the doorbell. I looked back to see Alice drive away and wave at me through the window. I rang the bell again and there was still no response. I finally looked into the glass alongside the door and saw some clothing lying on the floor.

I looked back to see if Alice was indeed gone and turned back to the door and tried the latch. I walked hesitantly down the hallway and stared at the shut bedroom door where loud noises were coming from the other side. I could hear moaning and panting and there was not a doubt what was going on in that room, especially when she cried out his name in passion.

I turned and ran from the house.

I was close to hyperventilating when I got back to my house. I ran upstairs and into Luke's room before crying out. I was so stupid and let him into my heart. I hated him now, more than I could articulate. I never believed he would hurt me, but he was just as bad as Mike. I finally locked up the house and drove to my apartment. I stopped all furniture orders and called a realtor.

I had dumped my phone into a trash bin and talked the apartment complex into letting me move to a different section of the compound. I never wanted even the possibility of running into Edward. I moved forward with my life. I started classes and saved all the money from the quick sale of the house. It had been over two months and I cried over Edward every single night.

I was sitting in class taking a quiz when it first hit me. I jumped up and ran from the room to vomit into the bushes. I felt my clammy forehead and sat on the sidewalk to calm down. I was watching students making their way across campus when a pregnant girl caught my attention.

"Oh, God," I said softly and looked down at my stomach. I hadn't had a period since Chicago, but I had been so stressed and maybe it was normal. But the nausea combined with things told me I was wrong.

I was so afraid as I walked into the small campus store to buy a pregnancy test. It took me two nights before I would use the thing. I stared at the double line, telling me I was pregnant, and fell onto the floor in sobs.

I didn't know which emotion was the strongest. I was so happy to have a child again, but I was terrified it would leave me. I was happy it was Edward's baby I was carrying, but worried about seeing his face in my child's every day.

I had another thought which I pushed far away so I wouldn't have to consider the possibility. Edward would want his child, and he could easily take it, since I was nothing.

I needed to get out of this city, far away where nobody would know who I was. I kept my class and studied hard to take the three part exam. I prepared for the birth of my baby as I searched for jobs far from Seattle. I finally landed something in Atlanta. I would start seven weeks after the birth and found a great rental close to the hospital I would be working for.

I was living out of boxes and woke up early one morning to a cold Seattle rain. I headed to the kitchen and doubled over in pain. I hadn't been going to a doctor, since I didn't want to hear if my baby was going to die or not. I didn't know if it was a girl or boy and purchased gender neutral things. I drove myself to a small hospital outside of the city and walked into the emergency room stating I was from out of town and had gone into labor.

It was a relatively simple birth, aside from the shredding of my heart. When the doctor placed my daughter on my stomach it was the greatest joy and the greatest pain I had ever known. I named her Hope, saying exactly what my heart wanted for her.

I dialed Edward's number twice and hung up each time. Fear became my primary motivator and I drove away from the city determined to never return. I tried to rest as much as possible before starting my new job, but being a single mother was exhausting.

I was standing in the elevator of the hospital, taking Hope for her two week check, with my eyes closed. The door opened and people got on so I opened my eyes, only to gasp at the sight of two very familiar blue eyes.

Jasper looked at me with shock and as his eyes made their way to the stroller I was pushing they grew wider. The door opened at the next floor and he nodded for me to follow him. I took a deep breath and headed out of the elevator.

"What in the hell are you doing in Atlanta," he yelled.

"I live here, and I will be an accountant at this hospital soon," I added to let him know I was fine on my own.

He stared in disbelief as if he was seeing a ghost or something. "How's Alice?" I asked with a shaky voice.

"Taking care of our son," he said and looked back down at the stroller. "Does Edward know it wasn't Mike's baby?"

"Mike's? I never thought she was Mike's."

"Fuck," he yelled and kicked the wall. "What game are you playing? You make Edward fall in love with you, and then let him hear you with Mike, and now you keep the knowledge he has a kid away from him?"

"You have the story wrong, Jasper," I said angrily. "Edward made me fall in love with him, and then let me hear him with Tanya, so yeah I kept the knowledge he has a kid away from him."

"Tanya," he said in confusion, "Tanya is living with Mike."

"What?" I asked, hearing the words but unable to process them.

"Edward saw Mike's car at the house and came over to see if you were okay, he heard you having sex with Mike."

"No," I said forcefully. "Alice brought me home and Tanya's car was at Edward's place. I went to check on him and heard him having sex with Tanya."

"I was with Edward that whole day, he was never home with Tanya," Jasper said as his face turned pale. He realized the same thing I did. Mike and Tanya had set us up to turn on each other. We had, or I should say I had, walked right into their plan and gave it legs.

Jasper pulled out his phone and I quickly grabbed it from his hand, "No, you can't tell him."

"Are you insane, do you know how messed up he is right now?"

"Why are you here, Jasper?" I asked, having no idea how he found me.

"My father's in this hospital, I'm from Atlanta."

Of course I would pick the one place in America Edward's relatives would have reason to visit. I felt my tears fall and I whispered, "I don't know if she is okay yet."

He looked down at the stroller again and I saw his whole body soften. "Bella, he won't care, he will want to be here with you when you find out."

"I'm sure he hates me now," I said and felt the weight of what I had done weaken me. I sat in a chair and felt like a horrible, evil person.

"Bella, either dial that phone or hand it to me," he said as kindly as possible. I felt all my muscles twitch with the desire to hand the phone over, so I could cowardly avoid speaking to Edward. But this was pain I had caused and I needed to face it.

I dialed the phone and Jasper took the stroller over to a waiting area to give me my privacy. I was shaking like crazy and had no idea what to say.

"Hi, Jasper, how's your dad?" a familiar voice said clearly. His voice was music I had longed to hear and I had to take another deep breath to continue on.

"Um…Edward, this is Bella."

The line was silent and I wondered if he had hung up on me. He finally said, "I don't understand."

"I'm in Atlanta; I moved here and ran into Jasper." The scenario sounded made up to me and I was the one standing a few feet from him. I was sure Edward would have trouble believing me.

"Oh," he said and nothing further.

"I need you to listen for a bit, and not ask any questions until I'm finished, okay?" What a ridiculous thing to request and I knew he would never pull it off.

"Okay," he said softly.

"I came home from shopping with Alice and Tanya's car was in your driveway…"

"I know, Alice told me," he interrupted.

"But what you don't know is she was in your house with Mike."

"Yeah, I knew Mike was home," he said and I could hear his anger building.

"No, they were in your home together and I thought it was you and Tanya, just like you thought it was me and Mike."

He was quiet and I could tell he was working things out in his mind so I added more to the mix. "Edward, I didn't sleep with Mike, but I did do something much worse. I never planned on telling you, and I wouldn't be telling you now if Jasper wasn't making me."

"Bella, you don't owe me any explanations," he said with a sad voice and I heard what he was really saying. He was emotionally worn out and couldn't hear any more bad news. My problems should have stayed my own and I glared over at Jasper.

Hope began to cry in the high pitched wailing of a newborn and Edward said in confusion, "Alice let Jasper take Jackson?"

"No, he's holding my daughter, or your daughter, I mean, he's holding our daughter," I said and closed my eyes to prepare myself for his wrath. I heard a loud thud and wondered if he had fallen down or fainted. "Edward," I called out.

"That's not funny, Bella," he said as he struggled to breathe. He sounded like he was bending over and I could picture him feeling the blow of what I had just said.

"I don't know if she'll live yet, I was taking her for tests when I ran into Jasper. She might have to fight for everyday on this earth," I said as I began to cry feeling the pretense of strength I had been carrying start to fold in on me.

"You of all people knew what this would mean to me," he said angrily, finally finding his anger and astonishment.

"You of all people knew I would never trust in your love," I said back. "Your eyes are opened now and you see what everyone else has seen all along. I'll let you know what the results are, and then we'll talk."

"Don't you dare hang up on me," he screamed loudly and I jumped from the surprise. "Which hospital? I can be in Atlanta in a few hours."

"You don't need to come all the way from Seattle. I can…"

"I don't live in Seattle, I live in Chicago now." I was happy to hear that news. He wasn't alone in his grief; he had his loving family to help him. He would be fine.

"I'll call you later," I told him and handed the phone back to Jasper.

I took the stroller back to the elevator and left Jasper talking with Edward in the waiting area. I gave Luke's history to the pediatrician and headed to the lab for various tests to be done on Hope.

By the time I got home I was so tired and put Hope in bed with me and fell asleep. She cried less than an hour later and I pulled her to my breast to feed her. I was a hormonal mess and as I stared at her beautiful face I cried loud agonizing sobs. I wanted to believe I could do this, but I wasn't so sure anymore. I had no idea how I would work long days and come home to care for a sick baby if she was indeed sick.

I also didn't know if I could shoulder the weight of what I had done to Edward. I had let my lack of self esteem stop me from the simple task of knocking on that bedroom door and asking him about Tanya. I ran, because I never believed he could love me and I hurt a really kind, loving man.

I waited for the test results and as each day passed my anxiety rose. I called the doctor's office only to be told to be patient. They obviously never had to watch their baby struggle to breathe. I spent every spare moment with Hope as my energy drained quickly. Most days I simply lay in bed and watched her sleep, too afraid to put her in a crib and out of my sight.

I wandered out once for food and to do a load of laundry, but other than that I stayed in bed and waited for a call. One evening a knock came to my door and my blood turned cold. I wondered if a doctor would come bring the bad news to me personally.

I forced myself out of bed and opened the door to find Edward, Jasper and two policemen. "Mrs. Newton," an officer asked.

"No, Swan, I'm Bella Swan."

"I have a custody order, naming Edward Cullen legal guardian of the minor female."

I tightened my hold on my baby and looked at Edward in shock as I shook my head back and forth. The officers moved forward and said, "Ms. Swan, let me take the baby and we'll step inside to talk." He easily pulled her from my arms, which were now numb and I noticed Edward look at me with concern. I had done a horrible thing, and he was getting even, but still managed to worry about me.

"Bella, are you okay?" he asked and I grabbed my chest and fell to the floor as everything went black.


	14. Chapter 14

Name: A Healing Heart

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 14

**Twilight Characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

**The story had 60 reviews when it was last published on 6/20/10**

**There is some mild abuse in this story, if that is a trigger for you, you might want to exit now.**

**If you are being abused, please seek help, it is out there for you...life CAN be good.**

**_Sandi said this when she posted this story last year: I want to thank you all for reading and commenting. This story is painfully real for me so I load the chapters and disappear. I read the comments and appreciate them; it is just really hard to respond._**

* * *

Chapter: 14

It was that simple. I carried her for nine months, and drove across the country with her. I held her as she screamed from all the needle sticks, and fed her from my own body. It only took one sentence from a judge to lose her forever.

I opened my eyes to see I was lying in a hospital bed, I wondered if I was dying and than wished deeply I was. I looked around the empty room and remembered my daughter being taken from my arms. I felt overwhelming emotions, buried for years and pushed down with all the strength I had, begin to bubble to the surface.

I covered my mouth to hold them back but they would not be stopped. I screamed as loud as I could as I beat my fists against the mattress. Nurses began running into my room as I thrashed and kicked, knocking out my IV and forcing the nurses to call for sedation.

My eyes were shut tightly and I felt strong arms pull me into a warm embrace. I recognized with my heart what my mind couldn't understand and threw my arms around him. "My baby," I screamed and I could hear him begging in my ear as he spoke.

"She's fine, she's fine," he said but he couldn't promise me that, he was the one who took her. I tried to push him away but I had no strength. He continued saying soft words like, "It's okay," or "Rest" or "Let it out."

"You took my baby," I cried to him and he held me tighter.

"No, Bella, I'm getting her top medical care on my insurance. You were so sick, Love. Why haven't you seen a doctor?" he asked as he kissed my head.

I was so confused as to why he would be tender with me. I thought he brought the police to take my baby and leave me alone, like everyone had done throughout my life. "Where's Hope?" I asked.

"Hope?"

"I named her Hope," I said and heard him chuckle.

"I call her Sunshine," he said and it was my turn to laugh. "Jasper's sister is taking care of her until you're released.

"What's wrong with me?" I asked him.

"You had a pretty serious infection. How did you manage to travel and take care of a baby?" he asked as he ran a finger down my cheek.

I felt my tense body relax and a small amount of trust worked its way into my brain. He wanted the best care for Hope and only came to claim her as his daughter, not remove her from me. I knew it was my own insecurities that made me constantly think the worst of him and it needed to stop.

"I was so stupid, can you forgive me?" I begged and saw his eyes tear up.

"Tell me everything I missed," he said with a pained voice and I noticed how he didn't answer.

"I drove to Enumclaw to have her. She was born three weeks ago, on the thirteenth. She is so tiny and I'm so worried about her. She doesn't cry much, and when she smiles, she looks just like you."

He gave me a huge smile and said, "My thirtieth birthday was on the thirteenth."

"Well, happy birthday," I laughed, "your gift was a bit late, but I couldn't figure out how to wrap it."

He laughed with me and leaned in to kiss my cheek. "Do you have any pictures of you pregnant or of her?"

"No, I'm sorry," I said and felt the nice reprieve we just had was over.

"We'll get plenty next time," he said and my mouth fell open in shock. When his words truly settled on me I began to cry again. He was too amazing to be true.

"Edward, I did a horrible thing," I pointed out.

"Yes, you did, and you hurt me very much. But Bella, when you love someone you forgive them and make everything better. I forgive you, let me take you to Chicago and make it all better. This is what love is."

"Chicago?"

"You and…her…"

"Hope," I corrected him.

"We'll work on it," he laughed and I glared at him.

"I named her Hope; it's on her birth certificate."

"She will spend her life with people calling to her, 'Hi Hope,' it sounds like, 'High Hopes.'"

I took hold of his hand and spoke quietly. "I know, it is how I feel. I have high hopes my daughter will live and she will be loved her entire life."

He shook his head softly and smiled at me, "I love you so much Bella, can't you see it; can't you feel my love for you, yet?"

"I don't know how to let it into my heart. It's too broken," I confessed and left out the fact I prayed my daughter would be able to heal it.

"Okay, you and Hope can live in my house and I'll stay with my parents. We'll get some help and work on making us a real family."

"I have a job here in four weeks," I said stupidly.

He took my face in his hands and said emphatically, "Fuck the new job, you're coming home with me."

"How did you find me?" I asked with a pretend scowl making him laugh.

"My father is the biggest drug dealer this hospital has seen, and Jasper used to date a woman in Human Resources."

"That's illegal," I protested and Edward shrugged.

"Tell Jasper, he's a lawyer, they're allowed to be unscrupulous. You get some sleep. I'll go get Sunny and bring her here to see you."

I gasped loudly and narrowed my eyes at him. "Don't you dare call her Sunny."

He winked and stood to leave so I grabbed his hand. My heart was terrified to let him walk from the room, even though he promised to come back. I was beginning to understand love. It was scary and overwhelming and the greatest feeling in the world. I knew with certainty I loved this man.

"You don't have to move in with your parents," I blurted out.

"No?"

I smiled and shook my head, "No, I love you, Edward." I said it, I let it out in the open, again. But this time I felt it in my heart and not from a place of fear, but from a place of love.

"Get some sleep, so I can get you out of here and into my arms," he said and kissed my hand before setting it on the bed.

I fell asleep with a huge smile on my face.

It was several hours before Edward returned. He walked into the room with Hope in his arms and my heart soared. He looked at her with love, like a father should, just like he looked at Jane. I could stare at this sight my whole life and never tire of it.

"She's been put on a bottle, since you were so sick they put her on antibiotics in case it was spread to her," he said and didn't notice the horror on my face. I hurt my baby. I spread infection to her possibly already weak body. When he tried to hand her to me I pushed her back to him.

Edward grabbed my hand and pulled it to my daughter's tiny head. He led my fingers over the soft fuzz of her hair and down her chubby cheeks. My hands automatically rose to reach for her and he placed her in my arms. I looked at her sleeping face and covered it with soft kisses. I heard a click and looked up to see Edward taking pictures. I smiled at him until my tears blurred his body.

A nurse came into the room and Edward asked if she could take a picture of us all together. He climbed onto the bed next to me and held us both in his arms. I couldn't look at the camera; I stared up at his face and at his wide smile. I did that, I put that smile on his face, I gave him a daughter to love, and I would spend my life trying to keep that smile there.

We spent the afternoon together as a family and as I was resting with Hope asleep in my arms Edward's phone rang. I listened as he spoke softy to his mother. I could only hear his end of the conversation.

"Bella should be released soon and I'll fly them both home."

"It was more than a coincident, Alec and Jane had God send me a miracle."

"She is so tiny and so beautiful mom, she takes my breath away."

"Okay, I'll have her records sent up there; she's going to be fine; I can feel it."

"It can't get any better than this, I love you, mom."

When he hung up I looked over at him and our eyes locked. Neither one of us could move, we were so paralyzed by our miracle. As we looked into each others eyes the room filled with the spirits of our dead children. They were together and right here with us, as real as Hope was, and we were a family of six.

"I love you," Edward silently mouthed to me and I cleared my throat to speak.

"I'll be a good mother," I promised, "To all of your children."

He covered his lips with his forefinger and nodded slightly as the barely perceptual sound of ghostly laughter filled the room. The door opened and we both jumped.

"Sorry," Jasper whispered.

"I'm suing you for violation of personal information," I told him and he gave me a tisk of his tongue and dismissed me.

"I'm supposed to give you this," he said and handed me a photograph of a baby boy with white curls around his head and sky blue eyes. "It's my son, Jackson. He is five weeks older than your daughter."

My daughter had a cousin and they would grow up together, and play together, and love each other. I held the picture tightly in my hands and realized just how big our miracle really was. I had been so stupid to run off and try to hide with Hope. I had unknowingly separated her from all the love which would make her heart grow strong and healthy. I wondered if my parents had unknowingly done things to me, meaning well, but doing the opposite.

"How's your father?" I asked Jasper and he looked sad.

"He's fighting," he said and changed the subject. "Alice said to hurry home; she has a dress already purchased for Sunny."

I looked over at Edward and glared at him, but he only laughed. "Her name is Hope," I said with force and Jasper looked at us with confusion.

"I thought you said her name was Sunshine," he said to Edward.

"I didn't know her name; I called her Sunshine until I found out. Her name is Hope and her nickname is Sunny."

"Her name is Hope Marie Swan and her nickname is Hope," I said forcefully and noticed Edward take a steadying breath. I didn't realize I hadn't told him about using my maiden name and not his for our daughter. I let my head lower and wanted Jasper to leave the room.

At that moment the doctor walked in and looked at the room full of people. Jasper said his goodbye and left as Edward took Hope into his arms so the doctor could examine me. He pulled up my chart on the computer and listened to my lungs and heart.

"Can I take her home?" Edward asked and the man gave him a quick glance.

"I want to run a couple of tests first," he said with a dry unconcerned tone, but Edward read it differently.

"Why, what's wrong, what are the tests for?" he said in a rushed panic.

"I just want to check her heart, only as a precaution."

"Listen, we're from Chicago and I want to get my family home. Can you tell me which tests and let me take her to our doctor," Edward asked and I could hear the fear he was feeling. He needed his family around him in case he got some bad news and I understood why.

The doctor looked irritated and finally wrote out his orders and handed them to Edward. A nurse came in to start the discharge process and within an hour we were headed to my small house. Edward made me get right in bed as he made calls to arrange flights and for my car to be delivered to Chicago. Jasper found a cousin willing to sublet the house so nothing was holding me to Atlanta.

The city served its purpose and we were going home, as a family. I watched as Edward made a bottle and took Hope from me to feed her. He was an expert and I couldn't remember one time Mike had offered to feed Luke.

I leaned over to reach for his camera and took several pictures, each one more precious than the last. For the first time Hope was placed in her crib to sleep and I felt a bit of anxiety, until Edward removed his shirt and jeans and climbed in bed with me.

He pulled me into his arms and kissed my head several times causing me to sigh. "How did I get so lucky?" I asked.

"No, love, it is me who is lucky. I feel like you were made for the sole purpose of bringing me joy," he said.

I noticed how it wasn't the words people used, but the actions which went along with them. If Mike would have said something like that to me, it would have pushed me down, but Edward saying it lifted me up.

"Do you realize," I said with a smile, "we have a daughter, we are talking about a future, and we are sharing a bed, but we have only made love once?"

"Do I realize?" he laughed, "God, it haunts me."

We were quiet and he finally said softly, "When I thought you were with Mike, it almost destroyed me. And it wasn't the thought of losing you; it was the thought of him touching you."

"When I thought you were with Tanya, I thought she deserved you and I didn't," I admitted and let him see just how broken I really was.

His arms tightened and he admitted another fear he had. "I left Seattle, because I though you might have jumped."

"I have jumped, and you caught me," I said.

He pulled my face to his and kissed me like I had dreamed about all these months, taking yet another step in sewing my heart back together.

I was awake for a long time as I listened to him breath in and out. I knew we had a long road in front of us and possibly the pain and heartache of losing our daughter. But I knew we would face it together. I wouldn't be left alone in a nursery to watch my baby struggle. I wouldn't be crying my heart out in the darkness as I tried to keep quiet. And I wouldn't be required to act like it was something easily forgotten. In the darkness of the small house in Atlanta my heart ached a little for Tanya, knowing an evil man was changing her life for the worse.

I heard Hope cry out softly and I rose to tend to her. I looked down at her tiny body in the big crib and picked her up. She quickly settled down and I sat in a chair as I waited for her to wake enough to eat. Her tiny hand caught on my finger and I looked at the long, thin, familiar look of her father's fingers.

I felt a sudden racing of my heart which caused actual pain and I leaned over to breathe easier. I was ready to call out for Edward, wanting him to take Hope so I wouldn't drop her. But I looked at Hope's hand touching my now numb finger, and felt a growing voice deep within my soul; you don't get this happiness Bella, because you don't deserve it.


	15. Chapter 15

Name: A Healing Heart

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 15

**Twilight Characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

**The story had 60 reviews when it was last published on 6/20/10**

**There is some mild abuse in this story, if that is a trigger for you, you might want to exit now.**

**If you are being abused, please seek help, it is out there for you...life CAN be good.**

**_Sandi said this when she posted this story last year: I want to thank you all for reading and commenting. This story is painfully real for me so I load the chapters and disappear. I read the comments and appreciate them; it is just really hard to respond._**

* * *

Chapter: 15

I was silent and moody on the flight home, but Edward never seemed to notice. His focus was on the tiny bundle in his arms. I tried to sleep, exhausted by the packing and waiting in line at the airport. I was so grateful to have Edward there to care for Hope, since it would have been too much for me in my weakened state.

I was surprised to see Esme when we landed. She walked right for us and I was sure she wanted her first peek at Hope, but instead she came to me and pulled me into her arms. "You are so pale, Bella, let me get you to the car."

Her concern was so motherly and I loved her for it. I was losing strength quickly and happily sunk into the back seat of the car Carlisle was waiting in. He reached over the seat and squeezed my hand before getting out and helping Edward go retrieve the luggage. I didn't understand why they weren't angry at me or at least a bit pissed.

Esme placed Hope in the car seat and put the stroller in the trunk before climbing in next to me and pulling me into her arms again. "Bella, are you still bleeding from the birth?" she asked softly.

"Yes," I said with great effort.

When the men returned Esme spoke calmly but said, "We need to get her right to a hospital."

"Hope?" Edward asked.

"No, Bella, this child is bleeding to death."

The car took off as fast as the traffic would allow and I could feel a cold settling in my bones. Edward managed the steering wheel as his father removed his suit coat and placed it over me. I was so tired and just wanted to sleep, but they kept asking me questions.

The car finally came to a screeching halt and Edward pulled me from the seat and into his arms before running through some doors. I tried to concentrate on the words being used and only one phrase stuck in my mind, "Her name is Bella Cullen."

I smiled in my mind and wondered if I had actually smiled in reality. He was giving me his name, after everything I had done he was giving me something of his. I had lost track of the conversation after hearing something about medication and finally let the quiet lull me to sleep.

I felt my body floating and odd random images flashed through my mind. I saw a door that was locked, but I knew where the key was, so I reached above the frame and pulled out a long skeleton key. I unlocked the door and entered a room which was brightly colored and filled with laughter and singing.

"Hi, Mommy," a tiny voice called out and I shaded my eyes from the brightness to see who spoke.

A little boy waved at me and I fell onto my knees and held out my arms. "Luke, let mommy hug you," I begged.

He came over and let his little body collapse in my arms as I hugged him tightly. I couldn't feel him, but I could see him in my arms and against my chest. "Can you breathe, baby," I asked through my tears.

"Yes, you need to breathe, too," he said with a giggle.

"I'm trying," I promised. I was suddenly surrounded by tiny bodies and they were dancing around me as they laughed and played. I held out my hand and it was quickly taken by a young boy with a big smile.

"Do you love her?" he asked and I smiled at his question. "I gave her to you. She needed Daddy still, so I sent her to be happy. Look," he said and pointed to a bright sun rising in the distance.

"Sunshine," I cried and the boy smiled at me.

"May I keep her?" I asked ready to beg if he wanted her back.

"Yes, she's for you."

"Thank you," I cried and looked back at my arms to see Luke smiling up at me. "I miss you so much," I told him.

He looked away as if seeing something I couldn't see and finally looked up with wise eyes, "He wants to fix it."

"Fix what, baby," I asked as I wondered how I would ever be able to leave this place.

He looked back into the distance and I saw a shadow coming closer. I was suddenly alone and I gasped at the loss of my baby. I was still on my knees and began feeling around with my hands when something touched my shoulder. I looked up to see my father smiling at me.

"I loved you, Bella," he said and I tried to pull away but he held on tightly. "No, don't go, let me say the words. I love you; I just didn't know how to show it. You'll be fine, I just needed to see you and tell you to be happy, because I love you."

"He hurt me, daddy, and I thought I deserved it."

"I sent you love, honey, I sent him to the gazebo," he said and I suddenly looked around for Edward. I didn't want to be here without him. I heard the noise of machines and the hiss of oxygen and I ran to the sound.

I gasped loudly and my eyes shot open. I was lying in a bed with oxygen over my mouth and machines monitoring my every heart beat. I looked around and saw Edward lying in a chair asleep and I began to cry. I moved the mask from my face and called out for him.

My voice was hoarse and my throat hurt so I tried again. "Edward," I said and then cringed in pain.

He opened his eyes slowly and looked over at me like he believed he was only hearing things. He sprung up from the chair when he saw my eyes open and pulled me into his arms as he cried in my neck. I wasn't sure what was going on, but I knew his heart was in pain and I wanted to offer him comfort. I used my weak arms to circle him and got caught up in various wires and leads.

He laughed and began moving things around so I could hold him in my arms. "Edward, what happened?" I asked.

"I was so stupid," he said and pulled my hands to his mouth to kiss them repeatedly. "I should have left you in the hospital in Atlanta, I am so selfish."

"Stop," I said not wanting to hear him talk that way about himself.

"You were hemorrhaging; the infection actually helped contain the bleeding and once they got that under control the bleeding started again. I almost lost you," he said with sad eyes.

I shook my head and wondered if I would sound crazy if I told him about my dream, but the hurt he was feeling spurred me on.

"My father sent you to me. He died the day you came to the gazebo. You were a gift from my father to show me he did love me," I whispered and Edward let his head fall into my neck again.

"There's more," I said through tears. "I saw Luke and I got to hold him. He's happy and he can breathe."

"I'm so happy for you, Bella," he murmured against my skin.

"Edward, look at me," I asked and he pulled back enough to look into my eyes. I tried to speak several times before I could form the words. "I saw Alec and he told me Jane needed to come back to you, so he gave her to me. He pointed at a rising sun."

Edward pushed away and stared at me in shock. "I never told you that," he said in a whisper.

"I'm not insane Edward, I saw them," I said as I broke down.

His cries joined with mine and we held each other tightly. I wondered where Hope was, but I knew she was cared for and loved, Edward would make sure of it. When he finally calmed enough to talk he closed his eyes as memories flooded his mind.

"They were both covered in blood and I watched the light leave Jane first. I cried and begged her not to leave me. Alec's eyes were fixed, but he suddenly spoke and said, 'Watch for her in the sunrise and I'll send her back.'"

I covered my mouth with my hands but at the same time felt overwhelming joy.

"I thought it was just a random thought escaping from his dying brain."

"Edward, thank you for coming to the gazebo and bringing love with you," I said and pulled him back into my arms.

"Thank you for giving me a daughter to love. Marry me, Bella, say yes and spend your life with me. I promise to show you nothing but love."

"Yes," I whispered in his ear and felt my heart beat in places which had been dead.

I went home with Edward the following day and got to finally see where I would be living. It was a gorgeous old brownstone next to a huge park. When the car pulled into the garage I noticed a woman standing on the porch of the dwelling next to ours.

"Is that Rosalie?" I asked and Edward smiled.

"You already agreed to marry me, you can't back out just because Emmett lives next door," he laughed. "Rose is watching Sunny."

I opened my mouth to yell at him for using the wrong name, but I quickly caught myself. It now seemed appropriate and I would happily call her Sunny.

He helped me from the car and I waved at Rosalie. She smiled and waved back and then headed inside. I looked around the gorgeous house and recognized Edward's things. He led me to a large bedroom and helped me into bed. I smiled at the sight of the fish tank and was happy it was here.

Rose came to the doorway and handed Edward our daughter. He stared at her face with amazement and whispered, "Welcome home, Sunshine."

I held out my arms and he brought her to me. She looked so much bigger and I worried about how much I had missed. I also realized how cruel it was to keep her from Edward for three weeks. I kissed her and inhaled her scent, wanting to memorize everything about her. I realized I no longer worried about her health. She was perfectly fine and would never struggle for air.

"It's so nice to have you here," Rosalie said and I held out my hand for hers. She walked closer and touched Sunny's head with her fingers.

"Thank you for taking care of her, when I couldn't," I said, coming nowhere close to what I wanted to express.

"It was my pleasure. I wasn't sure if I was ready for a baby, but I think I'll have a chat with Emmett," she laughed and Edward groaned.

"It should be illegal for him to have children and put an end to pro wrestling once and for all," Edward said.

"Grow a dick," Rosalie said to Edward without taking her eyes off of Sunny. "I'll let you have some family time," she said and gave me a quick kiss on my cheek and left.

I loved the sound of those words, family time, with my daughter and the man who brought me love.

We spent a quiet few week as a family, nobody came over and we never left. I felt stronger each day and spent more and more time awake and with my baby. Edward worked on some music he was hired to write for a movie score and his melodies worked wonders for my heart.

The little bubble I existed in was perfect.

We finally decided to take an outing to the grocery store. I made a list and Edward came along to carry Sunny. "I want to carry her," I protested.

"You take care of her all day, I can at least hold her in a store," he whined.

"You bath her every night, so don't act like I get to do everything," I complained and we suddenly looked at each other and laughed. We were fighting over who got to love our daughter more and I saw how lucky she was.

We walked along the aisles and learned even more about each other. "Oh, I love bread and butter pickles," I said and reached for a jar.

Edward quickly pulled my hand back and said, "Gross, no way."

"You don't have to eat them," I said and picked up the jar as I mentally began taking recipes out of future rotations.

"Do you like buttermilk?" he asked.

"Just drink the old formula from Sunny's bottle," I said making a face.

I remembered taking a big drink out of my father's glass when I was little only to find it was buttermilk. I vomited all over myself and wouldn't drink regular milk for weeks.

I reached for sugar free syrup, a reflex from my attempt at getting Mike to care about his appearance. Edward raised his eyebrows at me and I set it back down to pick up the butter flavored syrup.

"Much better," he said with a laugh and I blew him a kiss.

We turned down the wine aisle and he pulled back on the cart to bring me to a stop. He looked around to see if anyone was close enough to hear him and finally said what he was thinking.

"Hey, how are you feeling… physically?" he asked and I notice how his face blushed a little. "Should we get a bottle of wine and celebrate, or is it too early?"

I looked into his beautiful face and smiled as my body burst into flames. I suddenly had desires that were close to impossible to contain. I leaned in to kiss him passionately and he had to move Sunny out of the way so she wouldn't be smashed.

I could feel his body react against mine and it only kicked it up a notch for me. I thought very inappropriate things like; is it too light outside to have him in the car, or would someone watch my baby as I forced him into the store restroom, and even one about doing him on the checkout belt as I screamed over the P.A. system.

Luckily, he had much more control than I did. "A sitter?" he asked in gasps when I pulled back enough to let him speak.

"God, yes," I said and kissed him again.


	16. Chapter 16

Name: A Healing Heart

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 16

**Twilight Characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

**The story had 60 reviews when it was last published on 6/20/10**

**There is some mild abuse in this story, if that is a trigger for you, you might want to exit now.**

**If you are being abused, please seek help, it is out there for you...life CAN be good.**

**_Sandi said this when she posted this story last year: I want to thank you all for reading and commenting. This story is painfully real for me so I load the chapters and disappear. I read the comments and appreciate them; it is just really hard to respond._**

* * *

Chapter: 16

Esme agreed to watch our daughter and Edward wouldn't tell me what he had planned. I dressed for him, trying to look sexy and pretty. I left my hair down, falling in big curls, and let my larger breasts show cleavage while I still had some.

The day was passing so slowly and I was almost panting by the time we left. Edward had packed the diaper bag and I worried about how it bulged, wondering if he packed the entire nursery. We both said anxious goodbyes to our daughter and headed back downstairs alone.

I could feel my body shaking and memories of loving Edward the last time kept infiltrating my mind. I glanced over at him and noticed how nervous he looked. It was crazy that we were engaged, parents, partners, and terrified to have sex with each other.

He opened the car door and then stepped in from of me to pull me into his arms. He could feel me shaking and he smiled. "Are you ready for this step?" he asked.

"Physically I am way past ready, mentally I am a bit nervous," I admitted and he nodded in understanding.

"I used to want to feel love in a woman's touch, I was desperate for it. But I feel your love everyday. I need to know where you are in the healing," he said and looked directly into my eyes, sending all the fear and awkwardness fleeing.

I knew what he was talking about. He didn't need for me to meet him in the pain. He was finally free to give himself without holding back or moving slowly. It fueled my own need that much more and I wondered if I would be able to make it though dinner.

"Edward, I've never felt this before, but I am really having a hard time holding onto my sanity right now. I want you so badly it worries me that once you touch me I'll orgasm all over you." I bit my lip feeling embarrassed by my admission but incapable of controlling any part of my body at the moment.

He let his head fall back and laughed loudly before kissing my neck and saying, "Good thing women can have multiple orgasms."

His hands ran down the back of my body and I moaned a bit too loudly in the underground parking. "You are trying to kill me, aren't you," I accused him and he gave me a tight squeeze and moved so I could get into the car.

He drove up the coast of Lake Michigan and stopped at a pier. "What's this?" I asked wondering if he expected me to walk along the beach in heels.

"We're spending the night on the lake," he said with a smile and pointed at his father's yacht. He leaned in to speak directly into my ear and said, "Feel free to scream as loudly as you want."

"You're parents are keeping Sunny all night?" I asked with a bit of remorse.

"Yes, and Alice packed a bag for you, it's should be on board."

"Your whole family knows were finally having sex again," I asked with a shake of my head.

"Hell, the whole city would know if I could post it in the Chicago Sun Times," he laughed.

We walked onto the yacht and were met by a man holding champagne glasses out for us. I took mine and Edward pulled me down to the lower deck into a gorgeous oak room. He held his glass up to mine and said, "To the beginning of our forever."

We both drank quickly so he took my glass and pulled a bottle from the ice and poured more. This time I took small sips and we sat on the edge of the bed. He ran his hand through my hair and spoke softly, "I love you."

"I love you, Edward. All the happiness in my life has come from you."

We felt the boat begin to move and he pulled me back onto the bed and into his arms. I let my shoes fall to the ground and then let my leg lie on top of Edward's. "This is perfect," I said as I ran my hand over his chest.

"Do me a favor, and set the glass down," he teased and I threatened to dump it on him.

He took it from my hand and swallowed the contents quickly, before setting it at the side of the bed. He smiled as his head lowed to mine and my poor body was in pain from the torture of his kisses. I pulled the weight of him onto me and when there was a knock on the door I thought I was going to start crying.

Edward pulled out of my arms and opened the door. He was handed a tray and said, "I'll leave it outside the door; we don't want to be bothered anymore tonight."

I wanted to scream, _amen_. I decided to do something I would have never done before. I decided to ask Edward for what I needed. He turned to face me and the look on my face made him stop in his tracks. I'm sure I looked like I was in pain, because I was.

I took a deep breath and said, "Edward, please don't tease me about this later, but I need you to take some of the tension away, so I can enjoy this evening. I need you," I said and then watched his eyes for ridicule or disgust. I saw neither.

He sat the tray on a dresser and came over to my side of the bed. I got up on my knees and reached for him, unable to wait for him to take an extra step. "Bella, you trusted me enough to ask and…"

"Yeah, yeah, shut up," I said and quickly attached my lips to his.

I heard him chuckle and then suddenly hiss as his hands touched my body. I knew it was going to be difficult for him to keep his own body in check, so I let my hands fall to the covers and kept them off of him. He knew exactly how to bring me the relief I needed and I arched off of the bed as I screamed loudly.

He quickly pulled away and refused to take things any further, sitting with his eyes closed tightly as I calmed down. I felt my body slowly relax and I was able to think clearly again. I looked over at Edward to see if he was laughing or thinking badly of me. I touched his hand and he opened his eyes to look into mine.

"God, I can't believe what you do to me," I said and pulled him into my arms.

"Was that enough," he asked shyly and I nodded yes as I said the word no. "How about dinner, and then we will start all over again," he said as he kissed my lips gently.

"Yes," I smiled.

He retrieved the tray and brought it back to the bed to reveal shrimp scampi and salad. We ate slowly, feeding each other and kissing the juices off each other's mouths. It was the best meal I ever had. He stood when we were finished to set the tray outside the door, so I grabbed the bag from Alice and headed into the bathroom.

She had packed a beautiful gown made a red satin and added some amazing perfume. I reapplied my makeup, brushed my teeth, and dressed in only the gown before walking out of the room. Edward was lying on the bed in just his boxers and he sat up quickly when he saw me. "Oh my God," he said and held out his hand for mine.

"Do you like it?" I asked.

"I love it, and I'm not talking about the gown."

I lay next to him and he reached over to grab some condoms. "You get to choose," he said as he looked at me hesitantly.

I looked at the small packages in his hand and shrugged. "Are they different?" I asked.

"No, I mean whether we use them or not," he said watching for my reaction.

I looked in his eyes, amazed at what he was suggesting. The old Bella would have gone along with his desire. If he wanted another baby right now she would have agreed. But I had the courage to admit what I wanted, so I reached for a condom and held it up for him.

"Okay," he said and took it from me.

"Edward, I do want another baby, but I want to enjoy Sunny by herself for a bit longer," I said and he smiled genuinely at me.

"Just tell me when you're ready," he said and placed his hand on my cheek. I nodded and pulled him to me.

He finally let go. His control fell away and he moved with total abandon. He was touching me tenderly and expertly, bringing my own body alive and the confidence to touch him the way I wanted. I wasn't worried about him throwing it in my face later or comparing me to other women. His moans and sighs taught me what I needed to know about making love to him.

We were animalist in our need for each other and unable to speak soft words. We were both extremely vocal, just making sounds instead of actual words. He was grunting loudly and the sound penetrated deep within my body and I screamed loudly, as his own voice joined mine.

"God, Bella, I love you, that was unbelievable, I've never, oh God," he said and I kissed his neck and chin and down his jaw.

He rolled onto his back, pulling me onto him, and held my head in his hands as he kissed me so passionately I wanted to worship him. I looked into his eyes and saw such love and happiness; I felt another part of my heart begin to heal. I loved him physically, giving what I wanted to give, and taking what I wanted to take, and he enjoyed it.

"When are we going to marry?" he asked and I laughed.

"Are there any drive-thru chapels in Chicago?"

"No, but…" he reached across my body and grabbed the phone.

"Yeah, are you an official notary or registered officiate?" he asked whoever was on the other end of the line. "Great, give us half an hour."

He turned his attention back to me and smiled as he felt under my pillow. He pulled a small box into the open and raised the lid to reveal a gorgeous diamond ring. I screamed and grabbed the box right out of his hands. "Hold on," he laughed and took the ring to place it on my finger.

I held my hand out to see the sparkling ring and turned to kiss him appreciatively.

"The captain can marry us," he said and nodded to get me to agree.

"Seriously?"

"It will give the family something else to talk about besides the fact we had sex," he said to convince me.

"Let's do it," I said and jumped up. "Where's my dress?"

"No wear the gown," Edward said and wiggled his eyebrows.

I pulled the red satin over my head and he quickly put on his pants and shirt, leaving it unbuttoned and pulled me up the stairs and onto the deck. "Wait here," he said and ran into the galley.

He returned with the captain, the man who brought us the food, and a young Hispanic man who didn't speak English. I was handed a bouquet of roses and Edward smiled, "Those were supposed to be for later."

"Edward," I whispered, so he leaned in to hear what I had to say. "The men are staring at me and the wind is plastering the gown to my body."

He spun around to see the men indeed staring and pulled off his shirt and put it over my gown. We spent ten minutes filling out paperwork and finally stood in front of the captain. Edward was shivering from the cold as he stood with a bare chest and I held his shirt tightly closed to keep the crew from seeing my body outlined in red satin.

The Captain let me borrow his own wedding ring to place on Edward's finger and I promised to get him one as soon as we got back to the city. He placed my ring back on my finger and we were pronounced man and wife.

"Felicitaciones," our witness yelled and Edward picked me up to carry me back down the stairs. I held out the Captain's ring and he took it quickly before we disappeared for the rest of the night.

Edward and I were laughing like two drunks as we crashed into the bedroom and fell onto the bed. His smile faded as he stared at me with pure love in his eyes. "Mrs. Cullen," he said softly.

"We need to change Sunny's birth certificate," I answered.

"I lived in pain for so long and I can't even remember it now. I'm so happy Bella, thank you," he said and I felt guilty for not agreeing to another baby.

"This is only the beginning, Edward. We have so many years and so many children yet to come."

It filled my soul with amazement to say those words and mean them with such certainty. An amazing man loved me and wanted me to be his. I wasn't a loser and my heart was just about healed completely. I could trust in the love and tenderness of my husband and he would never hurt me or demean me in front of others.

He removed his shirt and my gown after shutting off the lights and used his fingertips to search my body. He learned how his touch affected every area of my body, what made me laugh, the spots that made me sigh, and the places which brought me unimaginable pleasure.

We slept soundly as we had for the past weeks, wrapped in each other's arms, but everything felt new and better. I was wrapped in the arms of my husband and I didn't feel like a stranger. This man knew me and loved me for the person I was.

I dreamed of our baby and of the children we would miss forever. I even dreamed of my parents and saw them smiling at me, proud of the wife and mother I had become. The lake was quiet and we sailed peacefully, totally unaware of the storm on shore waiting for us.


	17. Chapter 17

Name: A Healing Heart

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 17

**Twilight Characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

**The story had 60 reviews when it was last published on 6/20/10**

**There is some mild abuse in this story, if that is a trigger for you, you might want to exit now.**

**If you are being abused, please seek help, it is out there for you...life CAN be good.**

**_Sandi said this when she posted this story last year: I want to thank you all for reading and commenting. This story is painfully real for me so I load the chapters and disappear. I read the comments and appreciate them; it is just really hard to respond._**

* * *

Chapter: 17

Edward and I were both so excited to get back to our baby and tell everyone about the marriage. He assured me they wouldn't be upset that we didn't have a formal affair. Both of us had the dream wedding years ago and only wanted the dream marriage now.

We knocked on the door excitedly, and when Esme opened it with our daughter in her arms, we both reached for Sunny. I let Edward take her so I could show Esme the ring on my finger. She screamed and jumped up and down with me.

"You have to let me throw a party in honor of your marriage," she insisted and Edward quickly yelled out in the negative.

"Thank you, for the use of the yacht," I told her, "It was perfect, and thank you for taking care of Sunny."

"She reminds me so much of Jane," Esme said and Edward and I smiled.

We gathered up all of her supplies and laughed about how much it took to travel with a baby. I sat in the back seat and talked to her smiling face the entire way home. We pulled into the back alley and saw a car blocking our driveway.

"Damn it," Edward said with irritation and drove around to park in front of the house.

"I'll put a note on the car if it stays there much longer," I told him and tried not to let anything dampen my mood. Leaving our car on the street could easily result in a ticket, but I justified it by knowing I needed to go to the courthouse anyway to file our marriage certificate.

Edward was getting our bags as I got Sunny's carrier when someone walked around to the front of the house. I glanced at the woman with long red hair and looked over to see Edward frozen with wide eyes. I looked back at the woman and watched as she headed toward us. Edward slammed the trunk shut and held on to the car to steady himself.

"Who is it?" I asked him.

"Victoria," he said with hatred dripping from his voice.

I looked at her again and noticed how much older she looked than Edward, obviously living a tough life as an alcoholic. She stood in front of us and said, "Hello, Edward."

Neither one of us responded. I felt like we were part of some practical joke and someone would jump out of the bushes and yell 'psyche.' Edward seemed to pale a bit and looked around as if he expected to see someone else, too. Victoria took a deep breath and repeated, "Hello, Edward."

"How did you know where I lived?" he asked with a disgusted tone.

"Dex," she said just as hatefully.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"You know damn well what I want," she laughed and I wanted to take the conversation off the street and inside the house. I lifted Sunny's car seat and Victoria looked down at the carrier.

"Go inside," Edward said to me forcefully.

"Who are you?" Victoria asked as she crossed her arms in my path.

"I'm his wife," I said quietly.

She looked at Edward and laughed like they both understood some inside joke. Edward stepped forward and put his hand on my arm. "Go inside," he demanded and I felt like I was in danger.

I turned toward the house and he suddenly grabbed my arm and pulled me back. I saw a man come from the side of the house and Edward tensed. He had long blond hair pulled into a ponytail and his arms were bulging with muscles.

"Edward," the man called out.

"James," he responded.

Victoria laughed and Edward turned his attention back to her. He reached into his wallet and pulled out a card to give her. "Call my lawyer, never come here again," he told her.

The man stepped toward the walkway and Edward quickly pulled me behind him. I set the carrier down and pulled Sunny into my arms feeling afraid for her safety. Emmett came walking out of his house and I noticed how James looked a little less confident.

"What's going on?" Emmett asked in a loud voice.

"They were just leaving," Edward said and Victoria looked directly at me. I felt my arms tighten around my daughter and I stared back at her.

"If you turn this into a fight, you'll be sorry," she warned Edward and he remained quiet.

"Do they know you left the state, Vickie?" Emmett laughed and she glared at him.

"I'm no longer on parole," she said angrily and I saw Rosalie walk out of the house.

"Oh, my God," Rose said loudly and laughed as she walked over to where Emmett stood.

Victoria seemed to grow angrier by the sight of Rosalie and I could feel the tension in the air. Rose looked back and forth between Victoria and James before settling her stare on James. "Hey thug, still bedding this skank?"

"Suck me," James said as he grabbed his crotch. Emmett turned to face him, so he took a step backwards.

I had no idea what was going on and I was worried for Edward and for Sunny. I held my breath as everyone stood ready for anything. Finally Victoria walked over to James and they backed away to head to their car. Emmett came over to pick up Sunny's carrier and we all headed into his house.

"What the hell was that?" I asked with a shaking voice.

Edward looked more stressed than I had ever seen him before. He turned to speak to Emmett, "Call dad and Jasper."

"What's going on?" I asked him as he began pacing with his hand rubbing the back of his neck. "Edward," I called out to get his attention.

"Will you take Sunny home, please," he yelled loudly at me.

My body froze and old thoughts began to surface. I knew it, I knew he would tire of me. We had been married less than one day and he was already regretting his decision. I swallowed and turned to walk out the door when Rosalie stepped in front of me.

She reached in my arms and took Sunny as she said, "Don't let this sink in, Bella. Handle it right now."

I looked into her confident eyes with my own weak ones and found something I needed in order to confront Edward. I felt anger rising, and I didn't try to push it down. I turned to look at his worried face and said with a loud, strong voice, "Don't you ever speak to me like that again."

He looked at me with regret and rushed to my side, taking my hands in his and said, "God, Bella. I'm so sorry. You're right, I have no right to speak to you like that. I'm just worried about you and Sunny."

"Why, what's going on?" I asked refusing to soften my tone just yet.

"Victoria is mad at me for burying the kids here. She wants them moved to Seattle. Her boyfriend is here to intimidate me."

I nodded and turned to get my daughter back before he could see the look in my eyes. I felt like I was betraying my husband with my feelings, but I understood Victoria's reasoning. I had empathy for her and would want the same thing if Mike had buried Luke far from me. I began to worry for a totally different reason. This division in our thinking could destroy our relationship.

I took Sunny home and Rosalie followed me next door. She watched me change Sunny's diaper and make a bottle, before sitting in a rocker and finally letting out a deep breath.

"Is there any compromise for this situation?" I asked her.

She looked off into the distance, seeing memories I didn't have access to. "I don't know. Edward is so hurt by what happened and Victoria is so angry at him for testifying against her and making a victims statement."

"No, Rose, she isn't angry. Her heart is broken, too. She killed her babies as a drunk, she must hate herself when sober."

"She put Edward through hell in their marriage, I doubt he can see things sympathetically."

"Why does she drink?" I asked and Rosalie only shrugged.

"He must have loved her at one time," I said and Rosalie threw back, "Did you love Mike?"

"Yes, as much as I was capable of at the time. I actually saw his cruelty as proof he loved me. I had no idea what love was until Edward showed me. I understand Victoria because I know what it is like to hate yourself so totally."

Esme knocked softly and then walked in to find Rose and I talking. I knew Carlisle and Jasper had arrived and I was dying to know what was going on. Rosalie held out her arms and I gave Sunny to her so I could go next door.

The men were sitting around the table and Edward held out his hand for me. I sat on his lap and he asked, "Is this okay, or do you want a chair?"

"I love you," I told him honestly and just because he asked.

"I'll call her father and see if Laurent can do anything," Carlisle said.

"It would take a long legal battle and if he is willing to pay she could drag this out for years," Jasper added.

"What exactly does she want?" I asked timidly and I felt Edward tense.

"She wants my kids," he said softly.

I put my hand on his cheek and said, "Maybe she only wants you to acknowledge they were her children, too."

"She lost that right when she flipped the car in the ditch and killed them," he said angrily.

"She's sober and she served her time. She has the right to grieve," I said and prepared myself for his anger.

"She brought James to threaten me, it doesn't sound like a loving mother to me," he said as he looked at me like I was a stranger.

I decided to stay out of the conversation and let the men talk. I listened as Emmett talked about catching James alone and beating him to a pulp. I listened as Carlisle talked about offering Victoria's father stock in Cullen Pharmaceuticals. I even listened as Jasper talked about finding possible parole violations to have her arrested. But when Edward talked about moving the graves and using fake names I had to say something.

I stood and had to dig really deep to find the courage to speak. I looked at the men and shook my head. "She wants her children, it doesn't mean she wants to necessarily move them, although you were cruel to bury them here, Edward."

His jaw tightened and he looked away from me.

"You never even went to the grave site until I forced you to go. And I understand that honey, the kids were so present in your home. She only wants to feel her babies, is that so wrong?"

"What do you suggest," Carlisle asked me and Emmett crossed his arms angrily.

"I want to take her to their graves and talk to her heart, which must be shattered."

Edward's phone rang and he looked at the number with a furrowed brow. He answered and I could hear the deep voice of a man speaking. His grip on the phone tightened and his lips pulled into a tight line. He stood and walked to the back wall.

"Bye," he said softly and remained looking the other way. We all looked at each other in confusion until Edward finally turned and threw his phone, breaking it into pieces. I was terrified of him and wondered if I approached him if he would hit me.

I waited for him to say something and when Emmett cleared his throat Edward turned to face me. "You want me to acknowledge her, Bella, is that what you want me to do? I'll take you to the cemetery and show you the broken storybook, and then you can tell me she only wants to feel her babies."

"She's hurting Edward, and wants you to feel her pain. Let's meet with her and show her the albums and have a service she can be a part of. We can…."

"You're insane," he whispered and took a step away from me with wide eyes. His face showed shock at seeing me for the first time. He had proposed and married someone deranged and the realization was written all over his face.

I had to open my mouth to breathe properly. I took a step back and didn't have the muscle control to bring my eyes up from the floor. I would have the one blessing of not seeing what the other faces in the room looked like.

I moved to the door and reached for the knob without knowing where I would go. I stumbled down the street and sat on a swing at the park. I stared down the tree lined road at the row of brownstones and screamed at myself for not jumping off the cliff when I had the chance. I had my baby girl for one reason, to send Edward's daughter back to him. She wasn't mine, she was his and I had no right to her.

I began walking down the street aimlessly and when a cab pulled over I gave him the name of the cemetery. I would see for myself what Victoria's wrath had done. It took me half an hour to find the spot and I noticed the police tape hanging from the trees. I saw the hammer marks over the names and the pieces of cement scattered over the graves. It was awful, but I still knew I was right, and it was coming from pain.

I also realized I was so caught up in my own pain I couldn't see the pain of others, until now. I wasn't insane, I was healed, but my own pain was still fresh enough I could see it in others now. My mother ignored everything, because she was trying so hard to ignore herself. My father couldn't express his love, because nobody showed him love. Mike was demeaning and treated me like a possession, because his family only cared about possessions.

I pulled out my phone and dialed a number.

"Hello," a man answered.

"Hi, this is Bella. I want to tell you how sorry I am, Mike."

"Sorry for what?"

"For thinking you didn't love Luke. You loved him as much as you were capable of and keeping the albums safe was proof. You only wanted to hurt me, not the memories of our son, because you were hurting and I didn't recognize it."

"My bothers have healthy babies, why couldn't I?" he asked and for the first time I could plainly see his heartache.

"You can, just not with me. It was us together that was a problem. Are you still with Tanya?" I asked and he snorted.

"No, that was three women ago," he said as if he was proud.

"Well, I hope you find the right one. Goodbye Mike."

"Goodbye, Bella."

I headed to the street to catch a cab home. I would always struggle to keep the negative feelings from growing, but I drew strength in knowing they came and went now, instead of being my constant companions. Time would weaken them and strengthen me. I was ready to go fight to save my family.


	18. Chapter 18

Name: A Healing Heart

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 18

**Twilight Characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

**The story had 60 reviews when it was last published on 6/20/10**

**There is some mild abuse in this story, if that is a trigger for you, you might want to exit now.**

**If you are being abused, please seek help, it is out there for you...life CAN be good.**

**_Sandi said this when she posted this story last year: I want to thank you all for reading and commenting. This story is painfully real for me so I load the chapters and disappear. I read the comments and appreciate them; it is just really hard to respond._**

* * *

Chapter: 18

I headed home and was stunned to find the place empty. I went next door and found Rosalie home with Sunny, so I took her in my arms and back to our house. Edward had gone with Carlisle to see about pressing charges for the storybook and to make a phone call to Laurent.

I put Sunny down to sleep and began working in the kitchen when I turned to find Victoria standing right behind me. I felt my eyes dart around to see if James was nearby and relaxed a bit when I found she was alone. If she was here to hurt me or make me afraid, she was in for a surprise.

"Would you like to sit and I'll make some coffee," I offered and the shock was all over her face.

She narrowed her eyes at me so I said something to give her a reason to sit, "I don't blame you for wanting them buried in Seattle. I would feel the same way."

Her mouth opened but nothing came out, so I pulled a chair back and sat down, she soon followed.

We stared at each other and I finally said, "I am so sorry for your loss. My child died, a son, and I understand how painful it is."

"You didn't kill your child," she tried to say hatefully but only her raw emotion came through.

"No, and I imagine it only hurts more."

I saw tears form and I reached for her hand but she pulled it away.

"I want to show you some pictures; may I get them from the closet?" I asked.

"The baby you lost, was it Edward's?" she asked and I shook my head back and forth.

"I was married to another man," I explained. "Are you married to James?"

"No," she said and I could see the fatal flaws in her countenance. She was with James because she believed she deserved him.

"I can tell you the patterns on the ceiling of our bedroom, and the fibers on the blanket from our bed, and even the feel of the tiles on the floor, but I can't tell you about my ex-husbands kisses or how his hands felt. I bet you can do the same," I pointed out and she looked away and crossed her arms.

"Tell me about your kids. What was Alec and Jane like?" I ask and she looked at me with so much anguish.

"I let them down," she whispered, "constantly."

"Did they call you mommy or mom?" I pushed.

"Jane called me mommy; Alec felt he was too old. He was so much like Edward, always worrying and taking care of everyone. Did I do that to him?" she asked me.

"He was naturally a caregiver, like his father," I smiled.

"I couldn't do anything right," she admitted. "I felt trapped by marriage and a family. I was so young and Edward loved being settled. I just couldn't feel the peace he did."

"And the alcohol made the pain and guilt go away?" I asked and she nodded as tears spilled over her eyes. "May I get the albums?"

"Okay," she said softly and I walked into the other room and brought out the ones of only Alec and Jane. I sat next to her and turned the pages slowly as she gasped, and chuckled, and cried. Soon she began sharing her memories of her babies and we spoke as mothers, right to each others hearts.

When Sunny cried from the other room I smiled at Victoria and asked, "Would you like to hold her?"

"Why are you being so nice to me?" she said with fear in her eyes.

"You're not a bad person, Victoria," I said truthfully, "You just let others say you are."

I got Sunny out of her crib and placed her in Victoria's arms as I prepared a bottle. She knew just how to calm her cries and distract her from the coming meal. "May I feed her?" she asked and I handed the warm bottle to her.

"It's been so long," she sighed and I watched her handled my daughter with tenderness.

"Will you have more children?" I asked.

"I'm sober," she said with confidence, "I just don't know how long I will stay this way."

"The first step is believing you don't deserve the bad things in your life. It takes a long time and a lot of work. If James is toxic to you, get rid of him."

I knew my advice was so much easier to give than to put into action. When you feel the weight of others opinions it fuses to your very bones. Victoria needed help, not her father's money, but she didn't love herself enough to ask for what she needed.

"I'll make you copies of the pictures to take with you. The graves are not what you need, Victoria; it's the love they held for you. Alec and Jane love you and they want you to be happy."

"They always loved him more," she said with shame.

"It only felt that way, because of the pain and guilt. You only had a piece of your heart to feel their love, Edward's heart was whole."

"I ruined the headstone," she admitted and I nodded.

"It's only cement and the blows were just your heart crying out for help."

She began to cry loudly and I wrapped my arms around her tightly and held her as she purged just a tiny portion of the pain. I patted her back and said, "Let's give you some closure, okay? We can take balloons and pictures to the cemetery and let you say goodbye properly. Your babies would love a party in their honor."

The back door shut and Edward's footsteps could be heard walking down the hallway. Victoria's eyes filled with panic and I simply stepped in front of her to protect her from any reflex action Edward might have.

He looked at me with relief to see I was home and then his eyes lowered to see who was holding our daughter. He dropped some papers from his hands and took a step toward us. I held out my arm and said forcefully, "She is my guest."

Edward's face paled and he said softly, "I want my daughter, now."

"You need to sit down, Edward and listen to me," I pleaded with him. "You never understood my inability to feel love and I am trying to explain it to you. If you shut me out I will never be able to trust in you. It is important to our future for you to sit down and listen."

He finally was able to think coherently enough to sit but his eyes glared at Victoria and he kept looking at Sunny as if he was in pain. I finally took her from Victoria and handed her to Edward. He relaxed immediately.

"Edward, Victoria was too young to be married and way too young to have a child. You were ready because you were loved so completely by Carlisle and Esme. You extended that love to your children instead of needing their love to fill you. Victoria and I needed our babies to love us. When she failed as a wife and mother, she began drinking."

"It wasn't my fault," he said hatefully and I took his hand in mine.

"No, Edward, it wasn't your fault. She is broken and she tried to mend her heart with alcohol. It didn't work and it damaged her even further. But she loved Alec and Jane. Do you really want to pick and choose who is allowed to love them? The whole world should be allowed to love them, because they were amazing kids."

"I never spoke a bad word about you in front of them. I encouraged them to love you with all their hearts and you killed them," Edward said as tears filled his eyes.

"They wanted to pick wildflowers for you," Victoria said between sobs. "They had painted an old jar and wanted to fill it with wildflowers. I though it would be okay if I stayed off the main roads and only drove along the back fences."

"Okay," he yelled, "You put them in a vehicle you were not fit to drive. They trusted you to do the right thing."

"No they didn't," she yelled back, "They trusted _you_ to do the right thing. They trusted me to give into any wish they had, just to see them smile at me."

"I trusted you to do the right thing," he countered with and she only shook her head back and forth.

"When? Was it when I didn't get on the pill, or when I told you I could handle marriage, or was it when I said two kids would be easy to raise as I snuck into the vodka? When exactly did you trust me?"

"I found them, Vickie," he said with such a broken voice it put tears in my eyes. "I had to fight my way into that smashed car and watch the life being sucked out of them."

"And I have to spend every single day wishing you would have killed me when you found them. You got your revenge, Edward, by leaving me alive."

"I won't let you take them from here," he said adamantly and she finally nodded with understanding.

"Will you do just one thing for me, Edward? One last thing and I will never bother you again. Will you go with me to the cemetery and tell me about my children, about they years I missed because I was drunk."

Edward look into my eyes and then down at Sunny before he finally nodded at Victoria. "Meet us there tomorrow morning about ten."

She stood and gave me an awkward hug before walking out the front door. I looked at Edward, knowing what he was thinking and whispered, "Don't do it there, wait until she is gone to have her arrested."

He took a deep breath and said, "I fell deeper in love with you today. I never knew how wonderful you really are until this moment. I'm sorry for doubting you and for not appreciating you properly."

"Honey, lets have the whole family there, they need the closure, too. You left the love locked away in your heart and it is time to share it."

He looked down at his daughter lying contently in his arms and nodded.

I made all the phone calls and listened to the shock in everyone's voice. I had to say the same things over and over again to make everyone agree to come. I ordered pink and blue balloons and some doves to release into the air. This would be the funeral the wonderful darlings deserved.

I arrived early and removed all the police tape and set as much of the stone back in place as I could. I tied the balloons everywhere and set the albums on the headstone. I brought the recording of the lullaby Edward wrote for Jane and had it playing softly in the background. The trainer showed up with the doves and their cooing added to the serene feeling.

One by one the others arrived. Victoria showed up without James and I had hope she would get rid of him forever. Alice introduced Jackson to her and even let her hold him for a second. Edward handed Sunny to me and stood at the head of the graves.

"I thought I would be the one doing all of the speaking, but I realized Vickie knew our children, too. She knew a side I didn't, the side of a doting mother. I was the disciplinarian and I am sure there were things Alec and Jane wouldn't dare ask for, but they asked you, Vickie, and I would like to hear about those."

She smiled at him and her mind wandered back over the years. "Jane would ask for cotton candy until she would vomit from all the sugar," she laughed. "I would tell her every time she was eating too much but she would say, 'Not this time, mommy.'"

"Alec wanted to fix my car," she said and the group began to laugh. "He was sure he could figure out why it didn't start." Her face fell and she said in pain, "He didn't understand it was the breathalyzer keeping it from starting."

Edward cleared his voice and said, "Alec would stand at Jane's door each night until she said her prayers and got into bed. He would tell her to have sweet dreams and then shut off the light. He couldn't rest until he knew she was in bed."

"You told Alec vegetables would grow hair on his chest," Victoria said softly and Edward smiled and nodded. "Did you know it scared Jane so much she stopped eating them?"

"No, I didn't know that," he chuckled. "Jane wanted to be a mermaid when she grew up, but she hated having her hair washed. I should have let her just swim around in the tub," Edward said with regret.

"I did," Victoria pointed out, "Someone had to care about her hygiene. Alec told me your music had colors and every time you played he could see the swirling of the colors."

Edward buckled and had to reach out for the headstone to remain upright. I handed Sunny to Rosalie so I could comfort him, but looked up to see Victoria holding him in her arms as they cried together. I thought I could hear an actual click in my heart where the very last piece finally moved into place.

Understanding was the hardest thing to fix, but I had it now. I knew it took understanding to heal a heart, from all the parties involved.

The trainer stepped forward and released the doves high into the air as Edward and Victoria looked on in tears but wearing smiles. Sunny became a bit fussy so I headed to the car to get her diaper bag. Edward had parked far from the area so he wouldn't be boxed in by other cars. I grabbed the bag and headed back to the party, walking along the small cemetery lane.

I was lost in thought and filled with joy when I heard someone scream my name. I looked up to see Victoria running at full speed right for me. I froze and braced myself when she hit me forcefully, sending me tumbling to the side of the path, just as a speeding car hit her body. She was sent flying into the air, smashing head first into a headstone and I heard the sickening crunch of her bones.

I screamed and tried to get to my feet but the shock and surprise was making me fall as if I was drunk. Emmett and Jasper ran for the cemetery entrance to block the path of the offending car James was driving as Edward ran toward me.

"Oh God, Victoria," I screamed and we ran to her broken, bloodied body. Her head was falling oddly to the side and as she stared at nothing. Edward tried to perform CPR, but we both knew it would do no good. I reached out with my hand to hold him back from the useless breaths.

"She's gone," I said and he stopped his compressions.

I watched as he shut her eyes with his fingers and whispered, "Alec, show her love son."

I pulled him to my chest as the wailing of sirens drew closer.


	19. Chapter 19

Name: A Healing Heart

Author: Sdfreeze

Chapter 19

**Twilight Characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

**The story had 60 reviews when it was last published on 6/20/10**

**There is some mild abuse in this story, if that is a trigger for you, you might want to exit now.**

**If you are being abused, please seek help, it is out there for you...life CAN be good.**

**_Sandi said this when she posted this story last year: I want to thank you all for reading and commenting. This story is painfully real for me so I load the chapters and disappear. I read the comments and appreciate them; it is just really hard to respond._**

* * *

Chapter: 19

James was arrested and Edward and I took Victoria home. We attended her funeral and tried to remember only good things about her. While we were in Seattle I took Edward to Luke's grave. He had a flat stone with a small picture of him engraved in the granite. I smiled down at the sight and knew he was happy. I kissed my fingers and placed them on his imagine.

"I think of you every day, try to think of Mommy once in awhile," I said with a chuckle.

I stood to leave and Edward leaned down to look at the precious face on the stone. "Your sacrifice gave me your mother, I'll love her forever. Thank you."

Life became normal and mundane. We made the typical mistakes all parents make, like having Edward dress up as Santa for Christmas; Sunny took one look at him and screamed her head off. We hired a group of trained poodles to perform at her first birthday, and she slept through the entire performance. We took her to the church Easter egg hunt and after finding one egg she refused to search for anymore. But we continued on, taking picture after picture of every moment of her life

I contacted my mom and we made a visit to Arizona. She called Edward, Mike, half the time and purchased a little blue t-shirt for Sunny that read; Grandma's Boy! I found a way to have a somewhat satisfying relationship with my mom…I wrote letters. We corresponded and I told her all about my life and she told me all about hers, without any mention of the others letters.

Everything in our lives moved forward and we lived simply, surrounded by family. Edward complained about our lack of sex life and I complained about his lack of helping around the house…but those were normal complaints and it never made me feel weak or unloved.

For the next three years we were hit and miss with birth control. If it happened fine, if not, we still felt extremely blessed with Hope. One morning I was power walking around the park with Rose, who had finally made it to the second trimester after many miscarriages, when I rushed to the bushes and vomited my guts out.

"Are you pregnant?" Rosalie asked with hope and I shook my head.

"I'm sure it's the flu, half of Sunny's pre-school has it."

I told her the lie and inside wondered if it was possible. I didn't want to say anything to Edward unless I knew for sure. He would get his hopes up, and if I wasn't, I would spend the next few months on my back as he tried to make it so.

I walked into the house and the smell of the coffee sent me running for the bathroom. I showered and managed to get Sunny dressed and off for pre-school. Edward drove her and spent the day in the city for a meeting.

I felt better as the day wore on and became more excited about the possibility of another baby. I really wanted a boy, but I wouldn't be so selfish that a girl wouldn't fill my heart just as easily. That night I was reading in bed when Edward climbed in after his shower.

"Oh God," I yelled and ran to the bathroom.

"What's wrong?" he asked when I returned.

"Your smell," I moaned and lay on the end of the bed.

He raised his arm to his nose and took a big whiff. "I smell like soap," he defended.

"No, not the soap, your personal odor," I said and his face looked hurt as he sniffed his arm again.

"I don't stink," he said as if I had insulted his entire family tree.

I ran due to another wave of nausea and heaved up all of my dinner. Edward followed me and stood just outside the open door as I lay sprawled on the cold tiles. "I don't know what you're talking about, unless it was something I ate, like garlic or asparagus."

"Edward," I said without lifting my head. "Either help, or get the hell out of here."

He looked at my condition and suddenly gasped. He grabbed a wet cloth for my head and sat me up to wipe down my sweating face. "Do you have a fever or chills?" he asked.

"Do you remember last month when you had something to show me in the car?"

He thought for a moment and a slow smile grew on his face as he remembered pulling into the garage to find me digging through some storage boxes. He remained in the car and I looked over to see his eyes shut, working though a symphony only he could hear in his head.

I walked over and opened the door as I smiled at him. "You look hot when you play the air piano," I teased.

He let the seat slide all the way back and said, "Come here, I want to show you something."

I climbed onto his lap and he held me gently. "Well, where is it?" I asked pretending to be waiting for something.

He pulled me to his lips and pushed his pelvis into me as I sighed. We left the car with sweat dripping from our exhausted bodies and a very prominent bruise on my backside from the steering wheel. I thought that was all, but now I suspect we left with much, much, more.

"Are you pregnant?" he asked with a big grin.

"If I'm not you have to move out, so I can find a better smelling guy," I said as I lunged for the toilet again.

"Was it this bad last time?" he asked softly and I remembered I had excluded him from the process. I needed to make sure he was totally included this time and that meant allowing him to photograph anything he wanted.

"Get the camera," I moaned and he ran like a kid on Christmas.

I have an album full of pictures with me hugging the toilet, and even one with a look of shock on my face when the door was pulled open to catch me peeing on a pregnancy stick. Right next to that picture is one with my middle fingers extended high as I stood furiously in just my shirt and panties.

I struggled for three straight weeks to keep even a sip of water down and finally saw a doctor. He asked me to call Edward down to go over some test results and I felt my heart sink. It was happening again and I needed Edward quickly. I called in a panic and Rose kept Sunny while Edward rushed to my side.

I was holding him tightly as my nails dug into his skin and he never complained once. He looked brave and strong and I fell in love all over again.

"We need to come up with a care plan," the doctor said to our worried faces. "Pregnancies like this can be difficult and usually end with preterm labor."

"I won't have an abortion," I said adamantly and Edward tightened his arms around me.

The doctor looked up finally in confusion and said, "Didn't they tell you during the ultrasound you're having twins?"

We didn't move, I wasn't even sure we were breathing. We held perfectly still so any chance of misunderstanding could pass over us and the good news could settle firmly onto our shoulders.

"Did you hear me?" the doctor asked and we slowly turned to look at each other.

"I'm getting the car bronzed," Edward said and I laughed at the seriousness he said it with.

"I love your penis," I said and threw my arms around his neck to kiss him senseless.

It sounded like good news at the time, but the reality was much different. I was huge, bulbous, monstrous, and my moods turned on a dime. Rosalie dressed in adorable, stylish attire as I waddled around in sweats bursting at the seams. I couldn't lift Sunny onto my lap or sit on the floor to play Barbie's with her.

Edward wrote me a song and when he pulled out the bench, extra far, so I could sit next to him to hear it, my stomach hit the piano and I couldn't lower enough to sit. I burst into tears and called Edward a horrible, horrible name, which actually insulted Esme.

The morning I went into labor Edward looked so relieved I was worried he would leave the hospital without me. He was an amazing coach and spoke softly and encouragingly to me the entire time. As he held one baby, and I held the other, we both sobbed at the experience we shared together. It was different from what I went through with Mike or what he experienced with Victoria. Having twins was ours, and we cherished the feeling.

It was now Carlisle and Esme's fortieth anniversary and we decided to have a family picture taken.

"The next time we go to the cembatary," Sunny said to her cousin, "My daddy said I can hold a dove."

"So, my Grandpa Whitlock shoots birds," Jackson said.

"You're lying," Sunny insisted and he shook his head and stuck out his tongue.

I was busy changing the twins and yelled for Edward to make sure Sunny was dressed properly. He walked into the bedroom and laughed at how I had one leg lying over the top of Carter to hold him down, as I changed Connor's diaper.

"You need another leg," he laughed.

"You need a vasectomy," I said as I took a deep breath and let Connor go so I could start on Carter. When I finished I stood and wiped the sweat off of my forehead and smiled at Edward.

"Are you ready?" I asked.

"Yes, but Rose won't let Emmett wake Lucy," he told me and I huffed.

I headed to the music room, which shared a common wall with Lucy's nursery and pounded loudly with my fist. "She's awake now, let's go."

Edward shook his head and began corralling the boys as I made sure Sunny was still clean. She looked at me with teary eyes and said, "Does Jackson's grandpa shoot birds?"

"Jackson's grandpa is crazy, so he thinks he shoot birds, but they are really balloons," I told her and noticed how Alice held up her middle finger as she scratched her head.

Edward placed the twins in a stroller and I held Sunny's hand as we all walked to the park down the street. Esme and Carlisle were waiting for us and everyone chuckled when they saw Emmett walking behind a furious Rosalie.

"If Lucy doesn't smile for the picture, I am going to kill you, Bella," she threatened.

"You try keeping twins clean and then tell me I can't wake up Lucy," I yelled back.

"We're moving," she said under her breath and I mumbled, "Good."

"Come on, show me some Cullen love," Carlisle said and began placing everyone where he wanted them for the picture. We took several shots with different poses and finally broke into individual family pictures.

Edward straddled both boys on his lap and Sunny stood next to where I was kneeling. "We're a nice family," she said causing Edward and I both to grin widely.

"We sure are, Sunshine," he said.

"And it's so nice to all be together again," she said and our eyes quickly looked at one another in shock.

That was the picture we ordered, all three kids were wearing big grins with Edward and I looking at each other as if we had seen a ghost. It hung proudly in our living room and reminded us of the miracles surrounding our lives. My heart was totally healed and I never doubted in my worth or my ability to deserve love. I was immersed in it constantly.

Rose and Alice became my sisters and we fought and relied on each other just as real sisters do. Emmett and Jasper were my brothers, looking out for me and annoying me constantly. Carlisle and Esme gave me unconditional love and made me feel safe, like real parents do. My children gave my life a purpose and I relished the role of mother.

But my husband was my source of strength. He was my foundation that everything else was built upon. Our lives weren't perfect, nobody's is, but our love was perfect. We knew how quickly everything could change and we lived each day with appreciation.

I thought about Victoria constantly and wondered if she would have been able to heal her heart completely, or if she died during the one joyous moment she had on earth. James never loved her; he used her for money and killed her for thinking of herself for once. He blamed me for her desire to change, and I really hoped he was right.

I knew there were so many other people in the world that felt undeserving of love and wondered if there was a way to help them. I wished for a magic pill, but I knew nothing could wipe away the bad so quickly.

So, I decided to do the only thing I could; I would share my story with the world. I was strong enough to talk about the pain of being a little girl desperate for my father to say three tiny words. I would mention the things Mike did in the darkness, which slowly ate away at me as a wife. And I would dig deep and bring words to the horror of watching my baby die in my arms.

I would find a way to admit to all the mistakes I made, because I felt I deserved nothing good, and hurt good people due to my weakness. I would strive to show the loving side of a woman so broken she killed her own children, and hope everyone would learn the biggest lesson of all…understanding.

This is _my_ story.

THE END.


End file.
